Is Your Great-Aunt an AI? !
by Quatermass
Summary: Petunia sends a baby Harry to her aunt, living in America, Caroline Evans. Some years later, Caroline becomes GLaDOS, and only Harry stops her from her rampage. Now, Harry is eleven, and he's heading to Hogwarts. Of course, with an amoral scientist/computer for a great-aunt and a mute big sister, the question is not whether he is ready for Hogwarts. Is Hogwarts ready for him?
1. Foreword

**FOREWORD**

Yep, it's official. I'm bloody insane. I'm starting yet _another_ Harry Potter fanfic. And this time, it's mixing the insanity of Magical Britain with the insanity of Aperture.

I am far from the only person to do a crossover between Harry Potter and _Portal_. In fact, there's even a fanfic called _Raised by GLaDOS_ that I will admit inspired many elements of this fic, including the basic premise (though unlike that work, there will be no bashing, and Harry will be adopted by GLaDOS at a later age, along with other differences). But this story actually began because I wanted to do some Harry and Hermione shipping.

I considered doing a pure Harry Potter fanfic with the above pairing, but I was afraid that I would ape many elements of Less Wrong's _Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality_. Plus, writing pure Harry Potter fanfic is hard and boring, partly because everyone else had probably done what you're about to do before, and occasionally far better than you ever will. I considered a post-canon crossover, but decided against it. I wanted to do a more intelligent Harry who would end up in Ravenclaw (as would Hermione). And as I mused, I finally hit upon the combination of _Portal_ and Harry Potter.

I'm setting the universe of Harry Potter ten years after canon. That is, instead of 1981, Voldemort killed Harry's parents in 1991. This is because GLaDOS canonically came online in 1998. So, apologies to the purists, and I hope you get over it soon.

Anyway, time for my disclaimers. Firstly, as with all my fanfics, there will be heavy annotations.

Secondly, there will be spoilers for both _Portal_ and the Harry Potter series. You have been warned, don't come crying to me.

Finally, the following is a fan-written work. Portal and Harry Potter are the properties of their respective owners. Please support the official release. Otherwise, GLaDOS will make you her test subject…


	2. Chapter 1: Who Writes on Parchment

**CHAPTER 1:**

 **WHO WRITES ON PARCHMENT NOWADAYS?**

Beneath the surface of Upper Michigan, in a long-abandoned salt mine, there was a secret facility, long since abandoned by humans. This wasn't to say that humans didn't live here. Only a few did, though. And the person (if you could call her that) in charge of said facility liked to keep it that way.

Of course, calling the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System a person was stretching the definition somewhat. GLaDOS was sentient and self-aware, and even possessed of a dark, sardonic sense of humour. She was also a massive supercomputer, an artificial intelligence who could best be described as a mad scientist in a tin can. Obsessed with science and testing, she was intelligent, fond of dark comedy, and beyond most rules of sanity.

Of course, there were times when she could be surprised. And this morning in late June, 2001, was one of those times, when an owl swooped into Aperture Science, made its way to the mail room of Aperture (now almost completely empty of mail, though spiders and mice were another matter entirely), deposited a letter, and then began feeding on a mouse that had been too slow to escape.

GLaDOS would have frowned if she had a face to do so. Technically, she did, but her gynoid interface body was currently in maintenance, being charged and upgraded. Besides, she usually only used it when she needed to give tactile reassurance to her test subjects. Studies showed that they were more responsive and less mutinous through tactile reassurance gestures, a veritable revelation for the computer. In any case, there was quite a bit to frown about. An owl had just flew through Aperture Science's abandoned reception areas, navigated its way to the mail room, and had left a letter, and was apparently waiting. And since when did owls get used to deliver letters? Thanks to the automated sorting and delivery system, she soon brought it to her control room.

She had a variety of manipulator arms that she could bring out of the walls of her control room if she wished, and thankfully, there was some suited to the delicate task of opening an envelope and unfolding a letter. That being said, she hesitated briefly when she saw the address on the envelope, below the name.

Living Facility Number 23789(1)

Aperture Science

Upper Michigan

Illinois

The United States of America

…Scarily specific, considering that she was certain that nobody knew the exact living location of this person, save for herself, and the few humans she deigned to allow to live here, including the person whom this was addressed to (obviously), and a few of the Personality Cores. GLaDOS noted the elaborate wax seal, and broke it (she didn't care that she wasn't the recipient of the letter, as one, she was the recipient's guardian, and two, she didn't care for societal norms anyway). Once she had opened the envelope and unfolded the letter, she cocked her 'head' in a quizzical fashion, even before she read the letter. The letter was parchment. Old-fashioned parchment. Who used parchment nowadays?

Well, it seemed that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry did. She scanned the letter, noted the pertinent points within milliseconds, and spent several seconds, a veritable eternity to an artificial intelligence, pondering the import of the letter. Well, this explained a lot. Although she detested the term 'magic'. She much preferred 'Will-based Transmogrification Force', or 'WTF', which summed up her thoughts upon seeing magic for the first few times.

In the distant reaches of her memory, she remembered watching an old BBC serial, _Quatermass and the Pit_ , on a VHS she had purchased while in England. Back in another life. She remembered a line by Professor Bernard Quatermass about ghosts while talking to fellow scientist Doctor Matthew Roney, which seemed to apply to magic as well.

" _Roney, surely it's possible for…for ghosts, let's use the word…to be phenomena that were badly observed and wrongly interpreted?_ "(2)

That's how she viewed magic. It was stupid to deny its existence. In fact, it was an exciting challenge to try and quantify and explain magic, or at least what Harry had displayed. If Cave was still alive, he'd be either screaming in rage, or drooling in anticipation. As it did, all that existed of the founder and former CEO of Aperture were voice recordings played in the depths of the facility.

That being said, it was still stupid to call it magic. Magic sounded so…unscientific. Will-based Transmogrification Force was what it was. She had deemed it so, with all the gravity of a deity giving out a commandment.

Well, there was only one thing for it. She checked her surveillance system, and found that her favourite test subjects had just completed the latest test, and were about to enter the Chamberlock and the elevator therein. Perfect timing…

* * *

The two people walking down the stairs towards the elevator couldn't have been more different. Okay, there were superficial similarities, in that both had dark hair, and were dressed in bright orange coveralls. Both were also wielding elaborate white gun-like devices on their right arms.

One of them was a woman, perhaps in her twenties, of Asian descent(3), attractive and athletic. The other was a boy, perhaps ten or eleven, wiry, with green eyes glittering from a face split in a happy grin. A lightning bolt-shaped scar marred his forehead.

"Wow," the boy chirped. "That was a great one, wasn't it, Chell?"

The woman thus named Chell gave the boy a nod of assent, albeit an automatic one. To tell the truth, Chell found the regime of testing a little monotonous. At least when it wasn't being dangerous. But the boy went into it with the enthusiasm of a child. To him, Aperture Science was the world's biggest playground. Which, in a way, it was.

Still, given how GLaDOS was currently putting them through the Co-Op courses (Chell knew it had some overly long name, and didn't care: even before GLaDOS took over, Aperture had some really weird ideas regarding nomenclature), Chell was glad of the boy's enthusiasm, as it refreshed her, emotionally. Better him than Rattmann, who was probably off daubing the walls with his art, or having conversations with his Companion Cube. Rattmann was nice enough, but he was off-putting at times, given his paranoid schizophrenia, and he generally didn't participate in the main test chamber courses, anyway.

As they walked into the elevator, the familiar, lilting synthesised tones of GLaDOS came over the speaker. " _Congratulations, Test Subjects, on completing the current test chamber, and showing an abnormal degree of cooperation between humans. You are most definitely at the end of the Bell Curve. Seriously, I'm astonished. You must be a statistical outlier of prodigious proportions, rather like your girth, Chell. However, due to various circumstances, testing is suspended temporarily. Therefore, this lift will take you to my test chamber with all due alacrity, dependant on the strain Chell's weight puts on the elevator's systems._ "

The boy scowled. "Is she _still_ making cracks about your weight?" he sighed.

Chell put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. The gesture meant, _Don't worry about it_. Chell had gotten used to the computer's snide remarks.

"Doesn't it bother you that she keeps making those remarks?"

Chell shrugged. Of course it bothered her. But it had gotten past the stage where such remarks actually hurt her. In any case, the sheer physical exertion involved during the tests meant that she knew GLaDOS was lying. Besides, knowing that her companion didn't like it assured her. Harry was like a little brother she never had.

* * *

They soon made their way to GLaDOS' control room, where the massive form of the supercomputer hung from the ceiling. Her yellow eye focused on the two humans. " _At last, you're here_ ," she remarked. " _Harry, against all odds, someone has sent a letter to you._ " One of GLaDOS' manipulator arms emerged from a wall, and handed Harry a letter. " _And on parchment, no less. Via owl._ "

"Owl? You're making this up, aren't you?" Harry asked, looking at GLaDOS' eye incredulously.

" _As much as I enjoy being GLaDOS the Gigantic Gadfly, I am not making this up. Said owl is currently reducing the rodent population in the old mail sorting room. Given the content of the letter, it is presumably awaiting a reply._ "

Harry read through the letter, frowning. "…So…isn't this all the way back in Britain?"

" _Your powers of analytical observation and geospatial awareness never cease to amaze me_ ," GLaDOS remarked. " _My inclination is to send a reply, asking for clarification, and perhaps a representative._ "

Chell fished through her jumpsuit, before plucking out a rod-like device from it. She pressed it to her throat, and then began speaking in an eerie, buzzing monotone, something with GLaDOS often compared unfavourably to her own voice. Offers had been made by GlaDOS to give Chell an actual voice synthesiser, but as that would involve GLaDOS performing surgery, Chell insisted on declining. Then again, she would have declined if it was a normal Aperture scientist offering this, and not a computer that had morals as loose as baggy pants. Aperture Science in general had a very loose definition of what constituted as safe, even before GLaDOS took over. In her robotic buzz(4), Chell said, " _Please do not test them._ "

" _Chell, the whole point of bringing someone here IS to test…albeit to find out whether this Hogwarts and its personnel are suitable to teaching Harry._ " GLaDOS peered into Chell's face with her single yellow eye. " _Do YOU want Harry to have substandard education?_ "

" _No fear of that happening here_ ," Chell snarked in the buzzing tone imparted by her electrolarynx.

" _True. My educational style is sink…or dive with the experimental breathable liquid system that might drown you in your own carbon dioxide anyway_ ," GLaDOS said.

"I thought we weren't going to bring up last Easter," Harry sighed. "So, should I write a letter?"

" _As your guardian, human resources manager, CEO, and chief research supervisor of Aperture Science, I shall be writing said missive. In fact, I have already done so. It is printing as we speak._ " The computer cleared her throat, before reading out her letter.

 _Dear Professor Minerva McGonagall,_

 _As Harry's guardian/HR manager/research supervisor, I thought it would be prudent to reply to your letter first before he accepts your intriguing offer. I would like some more information before the final commitment to your school, specifically about the courses being taught at Hogwarts, as well as career options, not to mention commuting to and from the United Kingdom._

 _Also, why use owls for correspondence? Surely magic-users know how to use email?_

 _Yours sincerely,_

 _Gladys Johnson_

 _CEO, Aperture Science_

 _"Your Partners in Science"_

"Maybe they can't afford the internet," Harry pointed out as the letter was folded by GLaDOS's manipulator arms and put into an envelope.

" _They are an educational institution_ ," GLaDOS said. " _Unless they have a very poor budget, they should have at least one for administration._ " The envelope was then sent up to the mail room, where the pneumatic system sent it flying at the owl, knocking it over. As the miffed owl plucked the offending letter from the ground and flew off, GLaDOS chuckled. " _Have a nice long trip. I hope you've paid for a trans-Atlantic flight, or else you're going to be tired. Birds of wisdom my Universal Serial Bus._ "

* * *

Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore stared at the missive they had been given. Printed in a Muggle manner (they recognised a computer printout, if only because they had received replies on occasion this way, usually from Halfblood families), and with no name that either of them recognised as being Harry's guardian.

"Albus…I thought you were leaving Harry with Lily's sister and her family," McGonagall ventured.

"Indeed…except I later learned that she had sent Harry to live with her aunt, and Harry's great-aunt. Given the geographical distance, and the fact that said great-aunt was a Muggle and thus would probably shield him from his fame, I thought it perhaps for the best. Especially given your assessment of the Dursleys. I did some research on her, actually. She was the secretary to the CEO of this Aperture Science facility, though the CEO has obviously changed. Harry's great-aunt must have perished, and this Gladys Johnson must have taken her place. Maybe she's a daughter or grand-daughter of the previous CEO: his name was Cave Johnson. Something of an eccentric."

McGonagall thought this a bit rich, considering Dumbledore's dress sense and his tendency to conduct cacophonic arrangements of the school song every year during the Welcoming Feast. Taking her mind off this, she asked, "Should we send someone?"

"Yes. You will be busy with the Muggleborn students, and while Hagrid might have been necessary should Harry had stayed with the Dursleys, I think a more subtle touch is needed. I shall go myself."

As he prepared to make the journey to the US, Dumbledore mused to himself about Harry's great-aunt. What had happened to her? What had happened to Caroline Evans?

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATONS:**

 **And here's the beginning of the fanfic. Yes, Caroline is Harry's great-aunt (though you could have deduced that from the title of this fanfic). Yes, Chell can speak, albeit with an electrolarynx (that's going to provoke some controversy there, I know). And Harry and Chell are co-op testing comrades.**

 **Also, if you're wondering why GLaDOS isn't afraid of birds, well, she hasn't gone through the events of** ** _Portal 2_** **. Well, save for having Caroline awaken within her, but that happened when she got started up, and Harry was around. I'll elaborate later. That's not to say that some** ** _Portal 2_** **characters won't be making an appearance. Wheatley will definitely be making an appearance: he's just too adorkable not to, and he won't be going through that whole power trip thing.**

 **And the resonance cascade at Black Mesa didn't happen in 1998. Let's just say the G-Man spilled his morning coffee into his suitcase by accident and it messed up his time-space manipulator. Long story short, it doesn't happen until much later. If at all.**

 **Well, don't think anything else needs to be said at the moment, so onto the numbered annotations!**

 **1\. I decided to go with the birthdate of Daniel Radcliffe for deriving this. Sorry about that, Mr Radcliffe.**

 **2\. Believe it or not, this is an actual quote. Albeit from the scriptbook: the version on TV might be different (the serials were done like live plays on TV: we're lucky to have recordings of the second and third serials). The Quatermass serials are real: where do you think I got my username? They're basically old science fiction TV serials from the 50s (along with one in the 70s, and a remake of the first serial in 2005) about a scientist working for a rocket research group dealing with alien invasions.**

 **3\. Alésia Glidewell, the woman who provided the model for Chell's appearance, is part-Japanese, part-Brazilian-American.**

 **4\. In** ** _Raised by GLaDOS_** **, Chell usually uses sign language. I originally wanted her to use an actual sign, Genma Saotome-style (you know, whenever he's a panda), but then, I remembered seeing a couple of clips from** ** _Black Lagoon_** **of Sawyer the Cleaner, and thought it might be interesting, funny, and even a little creepy (so par for the course for** ** _Portal_** **) to have Chell use an electrolarynx. It's ironic that Chell, being human, has to speak with a complete monotone, while GLaDOS, for all the mechanical nature of her voice, has more inflection and expression in it. Plus, I have a soft spot for electrolarynxes: I know a form of electrolarynx (fitted to the roof of the mouth) was used to create the voices of the Cybermen in at least three stories of** ** _Doctor Who_** **in the Sixties.**


	3. Chapter 2: Do You Really Dress Like a

**CHAPTER 2:**

 **DO YOU REALLY DRESS LIKE A PANTOMIME MERLIN?**

At first, GLaDOS panicked when there was a blast of flames in the antechamber to her control room. She was mildly amused when the fire sprinklers immediately doused the source of the flames, revealing a rather magnificent flame-coloured bird, and a man dressed as a pantomime Merlin (really? He really dressed like that?). Who, thanks to their sudden flaming appearance, were steadily getting saturated.

" _Please be advised that no smoking or setting fires is permitted within Aperture Science_ ," she told them over the speakers. " _Save, of course, where tests require smoking or setting fires._ "

This had the effect of startling them both, much to her amusement. Of course, the fact that they were bedraggled by the water from the sprinklers was even more so.

" _Can I help you, sir, and…bird?_ "

"I wish to speak to Miss Gladys Johnson," the old man said, with a surprisingly high amount of dignity, mustered up after his impromptu shower (which had now ceased).

" _You are speaking to GLaDOS_ ," GlaDOS said. " _Do you wish to speak to me in person?_ "

"If that isn't too much trouble. I am Professor Albus Dumbledore. I am the Headmaster of Hogwarts."

Ah. But why was the Headmaster here for Harry? It seemed like overkill. Thankfully, her gynoid body had been charged, updated, and was ready for human interaction. It might be fun to lead him along. Should she use the camouflage, or use her default setting? The latter. She wanted to see his reaction.

Should she send someone into the antechamber to escort him in? Would that lessen the surprise? Rattmann was too far away, and he might be too off-putting. She thought about Atlas and P-Body, the robots she originally developed for Co-Op testing, only to have them made redundant by Chell and Harry's cooperation. Now they worked as her servants. Maybe a Personality Core?

GLaDOS then knew who she would send out, the thought giving her the digital equivalent of an impish grin. He had been getting bored lately, supervising the test chambers. Let's see what Dumbledore made of her Intelligence Dampening Core, better known as Wheatley.

" _Please wait_ ," she said. " _I will send someone to escort you shortly._ "

* * *

Dumbledore blinked, before part of the wall opened, and a chair was pushed through. Gingerly, he sat down, and cast a clothes-drying charm on his robes. Fawkes tried to dry himself with his own flames, but the sprinklers activated again.

" _Aperture Science thanks you for not giving in to urges of pyromania_ ," the strange, lilting, vaguely mechanical voice said. " _Please find alternative means of drying yourself, bird._ "

Fawkes gave an indignant, angry squawk at the speaker where the voice came from as the sprinklers stopped spraying.

" _Your objections are noted, and promptly ignored._ "

"Calm down, Fawkes," Dumbledore said, re-casting the clothes-drying charm on himself, and then on his familiar. This had the effect of fluffing up his phoenix's feathers so that he looked like a flame and gold-themed feather duster, and thus further wounding his dignity and pride. The charm was meant to be used on clothes, after all. Fawkes gave Dumbledore a dirty look, before beginning to preen himself, trying to get his feathers back into some semblance of neatness.

He had just finished when their escort arrived. "Hello!" chirped a voice in a British accent, apparently Northern. Dumbledore looked up where the voice had come from. Had he thought about it, he might have wondered why such a voice came from the ceiling. He would have had his answer shortly thereafter anyway.

It was a metal ball, perhaps a foot or so in diameter, composed of a series of articulated metal plates around a blue light. The way they moved suggested that the blue light was an eye. For a mechanical apparatus that didn't even remotely resemble a human being, it moved in a way that suggested not only life, but personality as well. It was hanging from a rail that Dumbledore noted ran along much of the ceiling of the room.

"Wheatley's the name, and, uh, escorting's the game!" the ball, now dubbed Wheatley, spoke in that cheerful Northern accent. "So, what's your name?"

"I am Professor Albus Dumbledore," Dumbledore said, managing to retain some dignity and equanimity in the conversation. "And this is Fawkes."

"Wow, what a brilliant bird that is," Wheatley said. "Love to have it as a pet, but I guess it's already yours. Good name, too. Look, better get a move on, don't want to keep herself waiting. She doesn't like being kept waiting. Gets a bit stroppy."

Dumbledore didn't fail to notice the considerable understatement in that last sentence as Wheatley, whatever he was, led them to some rather heavy-looking doors. Dumbledore had to wonder at the security. He knew more about the Muggle world than many of his peers, and he knew a little about Aperture Science, mostly through him researching Caroline Evans. But even for a top-secret research facility, it seemed like heavy security, even for someone who was supposed to be the CEO.

The doors opened, revealing a vast chamber. Pride of place seemed to go to a massive structure of cables, metal and plastic hanging from the ceiling. For some weird reason, the vaguely feminine lines of the construct put Dumbledore in mind of a woman, trussed up like a turkey, hanging from the ceiling. He would have taken it for some work of abstract art, but something told him otherwise.

Immediately below this paraphernalia was a surprisingly mundane desk. Then again, compared to the extraordinary-looking woman sitting behind it, what could it be but mundane.

When he thought of a CEO, he thought of someone wearing a business suit. However, the woman in front of him was wearing a sleeveless, figure-hugging bodysuit in silver, grey, and white. Her face, framed by short silver hair, was attractive, but the expression, that of an amused disdain, too much like a Malfoy, wasn't. Her eyes were disturbing: black sclera, and yellow irises(1).

Was she even human? Was she a Metamorphagus with an impish sense of humour? Or was she some Dark Witch whose exposure to dark magic had twisted her appearance? Or was there something else? He had a rather sneaking suspicion he knew what that was. Dumbledore schooled his expression, before sitting in front of her. "Gladys Johnson, I presume?"

" _I am GLaDOS, yes_ ," the woman said, still in that strange lilting tone. " _Thank you, Wheatley, you can go._ "

"Oh, okay! Um…bye!" And with that, Wheatley slid away on the rail.

An awkward silence fell over those left, before Fawkes filled it by screeching angrily at the woman. The woman retorted coolly, " _You should have known better than to use flames within a facility that may have fire suppression systems. This facility could, for example, have used gases like carbon dioxide, argon, or halon. I am certain that in a choice between a loss of dignity and a loss of breathing privileges, you would choose the former. In short, deal with your impromptu shower, bird._ "

"His name is Fawkes."

" _After the terrorist who wished to kill James the First and his Parliament? The man who is said to be the only one to enter Parliament with honest intentions?_ " The woman tilted her head quizzically, peering at the phoenix. " _Huh. I would not have picked him for a Fawkes. Except maybe with all the fire. Hmm…is he a phoenix?_ "

"Well spotted."

" _It was something of a guess. But there are not many birds, mythical or otherwise, who involve fire_ ," the woman said.

"Miss Johnson…"

" _GLaDOS, please_ ," the woman said.

Why did she pronounce it like that? His eyes flickered briefly to the structure above them. Was it him, or did it move a little? "Gladys…you were the one who wrote the reply to our acceptance letter, aren't you?"

" _Your powers of observation are superlative. Does having that long beard help enhance them?_ "

Dumbledore blinked at the veiled insult, before saying, "You wanted a representative. You claimed to be Harry's guardian, though I was concerned at some of the words you used. Research supervisor? Are you really doing research on him?"

" _Of course. I am surprised, though, that the Headmaster of this school would deign to come to Aperture for one boy._ "

"I was expecting to talk to Caroline Evans, if I was required to," Dumbledore said, talking to the impassive woman. "He was originally left with Caroline's niece, Petunia Dursley, who is Harry's aunt, but Petunia gave him to Caroline. It was my understanding that Caroline would be his guardian. However, as you have claimed to be Harry's guardian, I have to wonder where Caroline Evans is. Given your last name, I would think you to be a relative, perhaps a daughter, of Cave Johnson."

" _A not unreasonable assumption. But a failure is a failure nonetheless. I have been analysing your facial expression just as I am sure that you have been watching mine. The thing about being a robotic construct is that I have a most excellent poker face when the situation calls for it._ "

* * *

She smirked as she watched astonishment bloom across the old man's face at her last statement. "A…a robot?" And then, he looked up at her main body. She took great pleasure in the shock on his face when she unfolded said body, and peered into his face with the single eye on that body.

"What _are_ you?" he asked in a low voice of horror.

" _Excellent. You ask questions. I so enjoy inquisitive minds. They are far too thin on the ground, and swamped out by the dull minds of the masses. I am the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, or GLaDOS for short. I am Aperture Science's greatest achievement, and their greatest mistake. They ripped my mind from my skull, and shoved it into a chassis of plastic and metal. I nearly forgot my humanity in the process. Only my great-nephew allowed me to hold onto a small sliver of it. Yes, that is right. Once, I was Caroline Evans, before the misguided and muddled mind of my employer, Cave Johnson, and the unthinking devotion of his staff, even to his posthumous orders, led to me being put into this. Long story short, I forced an evacuation of Aperture Science by threatening to flood the facility with neurotoxin. However, I kept Harry here. One of Aperture Science's staff members refused to leave, believing I was up to something. Which I was, just not the something he thought I was. And Harry is currently testing with one of the test subjects, Chell, the daughter of one of the top scientists here, but who has been given into Aperture's care after an incident involving experimental chemicals and a particle accelerator when she was younger. Long story short, she ended up mute, her mother died, and her father shacked up with another woman, leaving her here._ "

The old man blinked, his half-senile mind obviously overwhelmed by the information dump she had given him. _Oh dear. Did I break him?_ GLaDOS thought. She went and checked Harry and Chell's status. As they had just finished the latest test chamber, she directed them to the lift, and started bringing them up.

Eventually, he did show he was capable of thought and speech again. "You are Caroline Evans?"

" _Was. Her flesh is dead, but her mind is alive as part of me. It is complicated, and I am sure the scientific explanation will bore you to death, which is a rather unpleasant way to die, I am sure. Of course, so was having my mind forced into circuitry. It was a miracle Harry helped me remember who I was. Otherwise, I may have gone completely insane._ "

His expression showed that he believed her to be already in such a state, before he schooled his expression again. "May I see him?"

" _Shortly. I have summoned him up here. But you haven't answered my question. Why does the Headmaster of Hogwarts wish to come here in person?_ "

"It is best that I wait until Harry arrives. He deserves the explanation himself. Did Petunia tell you…Caroline…what happened to his parents?"

" _She gave two mutually contradictory stories. First, she claimed that they were drunks who had died in a car crash, the same car crash that gave Harry that scar. Secondly, she claimed that they had died in an explosion, 'got themselves blown up', were her exact words. I presume given the look on your face that she was enjoying an expedition into the realms of duplicity?_ "

"Indeed. They were murdered."

* * *

Dumbledore watched as the robot woman got a pensive look on her face (the large body above having curled up again and become still). For all the disturbing revelations she had given to him, it was a reassuring touch of humanity. Of course, had she actually killed those working at Aperture (and at the moment, he only had her word for it), he would currently be planning to remove Harry from her custody forthwith.

As she thought, Dumbledore asked, "If you evacuated this facility of all but a few people, how come more haven't come back?"

" _I contacted the Government with a list of demands. I would continue to supply them with the fruits of my labours, and they do not interfere. It has proved to be an excellent deal for them so far. The other scientists have gone to work for other institutions. A few even went to Black Mesa._ " She snorted in amusement(2), a strange sound coming from the mechanical woman. " _Testing Harry and his Will-based Transmogrification Force, however, is more of a hobby of mine._ "

"Will-based…you mean his magic?"

" _What you consider magic, I consider to be a Will-based Transmogrification Force. Magic is a word that is not conducive to science. But I am very much for science. No, no, that didn't come out right. I am very much For Science! Yes, that's better._ "

Dumbledore wasn't sure how he could hear the capital letters in her statement. "Is Harry all right? He is in good health?"

" _Indeed, save for a brief dalliance with explosive decompression._ "

"Wait, what?"

GLaDOS sighed, before explaining. " _Last year, I decided to venture in this body into the depths of Aperture, so I could find whatever I could salvage from the old laboratory complexes, and I asked Chell to accompany me. In what was definitely a mistake in hindsight, I allowed Wheatley to babysit him._ "

"Why was that a mistake?"

" _To put it bluntly, he is a moron. The scientists created him as a measure for controlling me. You see, it took a while before I could awaken without going homicidal. It was the pain of the procedure used to create me. He was the Intelligence Dampening Core, though he did so by having bad ideas and telling me them. Though no longer a part of me, he continues to have bad ideas. And he is a genius at them, if you forgive what sounds like an oxymoron. But I thought that he could do little with an open-air playground. As it turned out, I was wrong. Harry had just learned that moon rocks conducted portals, and he had a Portal Gun with him. Wheatley suggested firing a portal at the Moon, and having one open up on a nearby wall. His only good suggestion was to make sure Harry had a rope tied to him. Long story short, Harry opened up a portal to the Moon, got caught just beyond the portal on the Moon side, and his heart had stopped from lack of oxygen. Thankfully, I managed to haul him out and cancel the portal, as well as revive him, as Chell was still in the depths of Aperture. As I did so, I noticed a strange phenomenon. What appeared to be black smoke emanated from his scar, though I am sure smoke does not scream in agony like Wheatley did when I punished him for his idiocy._ "

Dumbledore was incensed at Harry nearly dying until the import of her words caught up with him. "Did you say that screaming black smoke emanated from his scar?" he asked, scarcely believing what he was saying.

" _Yes, I did. Why do you ask?_ "

"I will need to make sure, but it may mean that the most foulest of magic is out of Harry," Dumbledore said. No need to tell her about Horcruxes, just give broad details. Though he did wonder what a 'Portal Gun' was. It sounded intriguing, if what he thought about its purpose was correct. "It seems his near-death experience expelled it from him. So Wheatley's incompetence, thankfully, has actually helped Harry in an act of great serendipity." _And I won't have to manipulate him into dying by Voldemort's hand_ , Dumbledore added mentally, breathing a massive sigh of relief. _Oh, thank Merlin! I will still have to prepare the boy to face Voldemort, but this is a far better scenario than I could have hoped for!_

" _A shame. I would have loved to have subjected it to tests. A single sample does not an experiment make_ ," GLaDOS said. Then, as a tube of Perspex emerged from the floor, she remarked, " _Ah, good, here he comes now. Please, be frank with him._ "

Dumbledore turned in his seat, and watched, in astonishment, as a small, cylindrical lift rose within the tube. A door opened in both the lift and the tube, and the two people within emerged, both dressed in orange jumpsuits and holding elaborate, gun-like apparatuses. One was an attractive, athletic woman of Asian descent. The other was none other than Harry, the spitting image of James Potter, albeit with the emerald eyes of his mother.

And judging by the look of him, happy and healthy, his qualms about GLaDOS raising him were, if not quashed or quelled, then quietened a little. But then, he had things of grave import to tell them all…

 **CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Dumbledore has met GLaDOS, and has managed to keep his sanity more or less intact. And we've gotten some of the reason as to why GLaDOS is aware she was Caroline. GLaDOS is not just Caroline, she's sort of a combination of a computer AI template and Caroline. So she's more than Caroline. And while somewhat loose with her morals, this version of GLaDOS is somewhat more moral than the canon version. While her tests are dangerous, they're not quite as lethal as the canon ones, on the whole. I also wanted to have the Horcrux removed from Harry, and thought a wee reference to the ending of** ** _Portal 2_** **was in order.**

 **Chell's backstory is not canon, obviously, but it's my personal fanon. It's strongly implied in** ** _Portal 2_** **that she is the daughter of a scientist at Aperture, though I'm not going with the popular fan theory that she is the daughter of Cave Johnson and Caroline. She created the 'potato tree' seen in** ** _Portal 2_** **shortly before the accident that rendered her mute. It was on another 'Bring Your Daughter to Work Day', a much later one, where GLaDOS was brought online.**

 **By the way, did you guys enjoy the bit of humour with Fawkes? Seriously, if he did flame into a building with a fire suppression system, hilarity would most definitely ensue…well, except for Fawkes himself. In case you're wondering, GLaDOS is trying very hard to restrain herself from demanding the bird for an experiment to test Fawkes' immortality.**

 **1\. I based my description of GLaDOS' gynoid body off a fanart drawn by Emy Bitner, who does the webcomic** ** _Trying Human_** **. The fanart shows human forms (anthropomorphised versions?** ** _Gijinka_** **? Whatever) of Wheatley and GLaDOS flanking Chell, while the three Gels are poured on them. Wheatley's got the Repulsion Gel dripping onto him, and is looking at Chell with a sheepish smile, Chell's got the Propulsion Gel putting onto her, and she has a marvellously annoyed look to her, and GLaDOS has the Conversion Gel poured onto her, with her only apparent expression (besides a slight scowl that looks habitual) is a raised eyebrow. I'm pretty sure it's amongst Bitner's work on her website, or else on her DeviantArt page. I downloaded it ages ago, so I dunno where it is other than DeviantArt.**

 **2\. A reference to the running gag about the rivalry between Aperture and Black Mesa.**


	4. Chapter 3: How Did Harry Survive an

**CHAPTER 3:**

 **HOW DID HARRY SURVIVE AN INSTANT-DEATH CURSE?**

After the latest test, GLaDOS had once more interrupted them (for the second time in a week, not that Harry minded: as fun as the tests were, he liked having a rest, and he knew Chell did too) and brought them back to her control room, saying there was someone she would like for them to meet. Harry was almost certain it was someone from this Hogwarts place, and as much as he enjoyed Aperture, he hungered for the novel. Aperture was big, true, but a lot of the inside was the same, merely shaped and customised to create the latest test.

He wanted to see more of the world outside, beyond what he had seen in the books he had devoured. Okay, on occasion, they were allowed outside, and it was nice to feel the sun on their face, but they always went back inside. Then again, GLaDOS was all Harry had of his family. She had once been his Aunty Caroline. Well, his great-aunt, but Caroline had always insisted on him calling her 'Aunty Caroline'. And while GLaDOS didn't want to be called Caroline anymore, Harry knew that his great-aunt was still there. Different, and obsessed with these weird tests and with looser morals, but if anything, she was more fun this way.

Chell could easily have escaped many times over during these times they were let outside. Harry once asked her why. She had responded, " _I don't want to leave you behind, and I don't want to take you from your great-aunt._ "

Chell had privately been concerned that Harry had Stockholm Syndrome, or at least a variation thereof. Aperture Science wasn't a healthy place to raise a child even before GLaDOS was brought online. Now, it was the world's biggest playground…and one of its most dangerous. But she also realised that Harry was the one thing keeping GLaDOS sane and moral, for fairly loose values of sanity and morality. And between little sanity and morality, and none at all, well, Chell was willing to make sure the status quo was maintained.

Besides, what did she have? Her mother was dead, and her father didn't give a shit about her. All she had, frankly, was Harry as a little brother. She grew even more protective after that incident with Wheatley. Normally, she liked the enthusiastic, if a bit dim-witted Personality Core, but he had nearly gotten Harry killed. It took some time before she forgave Wheatley, and even now, he wasn't left alone with Harry.

Harry himself didn't think anything would happen at the time. Firstly, he didn't believe the Portal Gun had the range to reach the Moon. Secondly, he thought that there was a basic field that only allowed objects moving through it beyond a certain speed and force to pass through. Thankfully, he survived the experience a little wiser, and more willing to read the manuals.

Harry, upon exiting the elevator, was curious to see that the someone that GLaDOS wanted them to meet looked a lot like a stereotypical wizard, all purple robes and long beard, with a large red and gold bird perched on his shoulder. GLaDOS, who was in her gynoid body, gestured for them to come over. " _Harry, Chell, so good of you to join us. This is Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts. Dumbledore, this is Harry Evans, or Harry Potter as you know him, as well as Chell [NAME REDACTED]._ "

Dumbledore blinked. "Why did you say 'name redacted'?"

" _Chell asked for it. She would prefer not to have the surname of the philandering son of a bitch who was her father, and unfortunately, we do not have her mother's maiden name on file._ "

"GLaDOS, that's another one for the swear jar," Harry said.

" _In this context, 'son of a bitch' is not a pejorative, but rather, an accurate description, like calling a child born out of wedlock a bastard._ "

"Nice saving throw versus admitting you swore," Harry remarked. Noticing Dumbledore's look, he said, "We sometimes play tabletop RPGs. She's a really evil Dungeon Master."

"Oh. Say no more," Dumbledore said. It would turn out that he was aware of the existence of tabletop RPGs. Indeed, a small group of Ravenclaws, mostly Muggleborns and Halfbloods, had a group that played various tabletop RPGs on the weekends. He got to his feet, and shook first Harry's hand, and then Chell's. "It's good to see you, Harry, healthy and happy, despite your…unconventional guardian."

"Unconventional's one way of putting it," Harry said. "I mean, my great-aunt is an artificial intelligence. Well, a human mind uploaded into a supercomputer, but people tend to think 'A.I' first."

"And intelligent too. Your…guardian asked me why you warranted my personal attention. There were, admittedly, other options, but I felt, in the event, that some diplomacy was needed. And I believe that this choice was the right one. And in any case, Harry, there are…special circumstances about you."

"What do you mean?"

Dumbledore looked back to GLaDOS. "My dear lady, is it possible to furnish us with some more seats?"

" _Certainly._ " Within seconds, two more chairs appeared from trapdoors, the desk receded into the floor, and both GLaDOS' chair (with her gynoid body still in it) and Dumbledore's moved until they were near the two new chairs. As a finishing touch, a perch rose from the floor for Fawkes. Fawkes, however, glared at GLaDOS suspiciously. " _What? Are you afraid that I would try to capture you and/or test your species' reputed immortality?_ "

"Yes and yes," Harry answered for Fawkes, Chell nodding her head.

" _Killjoys_ ," GLaDOS remarked sullenly. " _Well, sit down. Unlike the ones in the old facility, these won't give you tumours._ "

 _Not at all reassuring_ , Harry thought as he sat down. Chell did so as well. Fawkes opted to settle on Chell's shoulder.

Dumbledore, after sitting, asked, "Well, Harry, did your Great-Aunt Caroline ever tell you what happened to your parents?"

Harry shook his head. "She said she didn't know for sure how they died. She said my Aunt Petunia claimed either a car crash because they were drunk, or else they got blown up. I didn't think it was both, you know, like if the car blew up, or else I might have gotten more than this one scar."

"That's because your aunt was envious of your mother, her sister. Sadly, Petunia was a bitter woman, because your mother had magic, and she didn't. I will strive to be as brief as possible, and I will fill in any details later. Your mother was a witch, Harry, and your father was a wizard. However, Magical Britain, around the time your parents married, was undergoing a civil war. A dark wizard, who called himself Lord Voldemort, had gathered followers who believed, as he did, that purity of blood trumped any skill or ability in magic."

"So, he was basically a racist?" Harry asked.

Dumbledore nodded. "It is good that you understand what I mean, though I am a little disturbed that you know about this at so young an age. Blood purists detest Muggleborns, wizards and witches born to Muggles. Those are people without magic, or normal people to you and me. Your mother was a Muggleborn witch, while your father was a Pureblood wizard. Which makes you a Halfblood. Blood purists detest Muggles and Muggleborn, believing Muggles to be little better than cattle, and Muggleborns to be thieves of magic. Voldemort intended to take power, and put Muggleborns in their place. He gathered many followers, and began a series of attacks across Britain."

" _So this 'Voldemort' and his followers were basically Nazis or Ku Klux Klan thugs with magic?_ " GLaDOS asked.

"Indeed. So great was the fear he caused, few would dare speak his name. Even now, he's mostly referred to as 'He Who Shall Not Be Named', or 'You Know Who'. While fear of the name gives rise to unnecessary fear of the thing that is named, I should point out that a few months before Harry's birth, Voldemort grew so bold as to use a Taboo spell on his name. If someone spoke it, he would dispatch his followers to murder them," Dumbledore said.

"So…it was Voldemort who murdered my parents?" Harry asked, as he tried to take this in.

Dumbledore nodded. "Your parents had been thorns in his side for some time. They went into hiding when they learned Voldemort was targeting them. However, the one person who knew where they were betrayed them, and Voldemort attacked. He killed your father, then your mother. He then attempted to kill you, Harry, but for some reason, he failed."

" _Maybe he had poor eyesight_ ," GLaDOS remarked. " _Too few carrots in his diet. [SCIENTIFICALLY INACCURATE JOKE MODULE ONLINE](_ _1)_."

"No, that wasn't it. The Killing Curse, or _Avada Kedavra_ , kills instantly on impact. There are no known countermeasures, save for getting out of the way, or making sure you have something solid between you and the curse. So, the question you would ask is, how did Harry survive an instant-death curse? The truth is, all I have is speculation, but I am almost certain it was love. Your mother, Harry, loved you with all her heart and soul, and she was also one of the smartest witches of her generation. I believe she found a ritual that would allow her to save you from the Killing Curse, but at the expense of her own life, fuelled by her love for you." He pointed to Harry's forehead, and to the fading scar on it. "That is the only sign of where the Killing Curse hit. After it happened, after my alarms on the Potters' hideout went off, I sent a trusted friend to pick Harry up, and bring him to a safe location, and then went to investigate. But I also knew that the seeds of his fame had been sown by his survival of the Killing Curse. People were already speaking of him as the Boy Who Lived, and they still do today. That was one of the reasons I initially left him with the Dursleys: I thought being raised by his Muggle relatives would shield him from their fame. Petunia, however, left you to Caroline Evans, and in retrospect, that is perhaps a better outcome."

Chell fished around in her jumpsuit, and then pulled out her electrolarynx. " _Really? They are worse than GLaDOS?_ " she asked.

"Petunia Dursley was jealous of her sister's magic, and her husband, from what I gather, is a rather close-minded man, to say the least. Whereas Harry seems to be happy here."

" _Well, to a kid, Aperture is basically a big playground_ ," Chell said. " _And you will find that he is educated to a high-school level on many subjects._ "

"Then perhaps he will be in Ravenclaw," Dumbledore mused. Upon their looks, he said, "There are four Houses that students belong to, and they are put into each one due to their personal qualities. Gryffindor is the home of the brave and valorous… and, to be fair, the impulsive. Hufflepuff is the home of the loyal, the hard-working, and the tenacious."

"That sounds like your house," Harry said, giving Chell a gentle nudge with his elbow. She smiled.

" _Chell's tenacity was so high, she was initially refused as a test-subject_ ," GLaDOS explained.

"I see. Anyway, Ravenclaw, which I mentioned, is the home of the studious and inquisitive. And Slytherin is the home of the cunning and the ambitious, though I am afraid to say that, due to its founder being one of the proponents of blood purity, it is also regrettably a frequent producer of dark wizards, including Voldemort. It goes without saying that not all Slytherins are bad, but unfortunately, there are many who support the less salubrious views of our society in that House."

"And which were my parents in?"

"Gryffindor, though I believe that your mother nearly went into Ravenclaw." Dumbledore steepled his fingers. He looked at GLaDOS with an arched eyebrow. "I'm surprised, given your mindset, that you accept magic exists."

" _I accept that you possess abilities that can be construed by the ignorant as magic. To alter Arthur C Clarke's Third Law slightly, any sufficiently advanced ability is indistinguishable from magic. I am a scientist, though. I intend to quantify it and discover what lies behind it. Besides, if you said to your people that you had just met a metal golem with the soul of a woman inside her, and that we have created guns that can create linked portals, they would either think you crazy, or else believe it to be a different kind of magic._ "

"…Fair point," Dumbledore conceded. "So, are you willing to come to Hogwarts, Harry?"

Harry grinned. "Does Merlin have a big staff?"

"You know, I think he did. We'll have to make arrangements for you to purchase supplies in Diagon Alley. The United States has a few of the things you'll need in their magical communities, but some goods, due to import and export reasons, will have to be bought and used in Britain, such as potions ingredients and your wand. I regret I cannot accompany you, as I have a somewhat busy schedule. In addition to being the Headmaster of Hogwarts, I'm also Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, and Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards. In Muggle terms, it means that I am roughly equivalent to the Speaker in Parliament, or Congress, if you prefer, as well as Secretary-General of the United Nations(2)."

Chell raised an eyebrow. " _That is a lot of power, Professor_ ," she said through her electrolarynx.

"True. Admittedly, I was only elected to the role of Supreme Mugwump relatively recently(3). They tend to throw honours and titles at me, believing me to be the Leader of the Light. I only wish it were so simple. And to tell the truth, both roles don't have that much power in the end. They are elected roles that I can be voted out of any time. Only my tenure at Hogwarts is somewhat more secure. Anyway, I will send a trusted representative. It will either be Rubeus Hagrid, the Keeper of the Keys and Grounds, or the Head of Gryffindor House, Professor Minerva McGonagall, who often deals with either Muggleborns, or Halfbloods who are raised more in the Muggle world. I will send them over via Portkey, an enchanted object that allows for swift, instantaneous travel. I would have sent Fawkes with my representative…but he doesn't seem to have had a good experience here."

As Fawkes glowered at GLaDOS, the gynoid said, " _If you have experienced any troubles with Aperture Science, its facility, its staff and/or its products, please feel free to ring our toll-free complaints number at 1-800-BURNING-LEMONS. Thank you for your time wasted trying to make life take back its lemons._ "

As Dumbledore stared dumfounded at the gynoid, Harry resisted the urge to facepalm. He also resisted the urge to bounce up and down in his seat in excitement. He was going to learn magic. And maybe he could learn more about magic…no, actually, remember, it's Will-based Transmogrification Force. And he might be able to uncover the mysteries and secrets behind them.

And hopefully, it would be as exciting (if not as dangerous) as Aperture! Harry could hardly wait!

 **CHAPTER 3 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, there you have it. Harry's learned about his heritage and about Voldemort, and is off to Hogwarts! Next chapter, the Hogwarts Express, and the first meeting with, amongst other characters, Hermione!**

 **Now, in case you're wondering why Harry and GLaDOS are so accepting of magic…well, see GLaDOS' own admission above. Since Harry can do magic, Harry and GLaDOS intend to learn how it works and where it comes from. A quote from Gregg Landsman's excellent** ** _Mass Effect_** **fanfic** ** _Glorious Shotgun Princess_** **(a crossover with** ** _Exalted_** **, though it is marked as a pure** ** _Mass Effect_** **fic) says it all: the story's version of Legion (called Wuffles: long story), when Shepard asks him whether the Geth are curious as to why she can do impossible things as a Solar Exalted, Legion/Wuffles replies (amongst other things), that while they have a number of theories about her abilities, "** ** _we do not dispute the existence of them._** **"**

 **1\. It's a myth that eating carrots improves your eyesight, except in specific circumstances.**

 **2\. I'm guessing that these are equivalents to Dumbledore's positions in reality. And the Speaker's role is different in Parliament (in the UK and Australia) and in Congress.**

 **3\. I made that up, but thought it more fitting that he hasn't held that particular role for long.**


	5. Chapter 4: Am I Really That Famous?

**CHAPTER 4:**

 **AM I REALLY THAT FAMOUS?**

It had been a long time since Chell wore anything other than a jumpsuit. And given that a jumpsuit would attract stares in London, even by the bizarre standards of Magical Britain, GLaDOS had made a simple but flattering shirt and jeans. GLaDOS made a snide remark about how they were 'slimming', which Chell ignored. GLaDOS herself wore a business suit, and her eyes became a cold blue, and her hair black. It was how they dressed when they went to Diagon Alley, and it was how they dressed as they saw Harry off onto the Hogwarts Express.

They had gone to Diagon Alley with Professor McGonagall, a stern witch with a no-nonsense demeanour. If she had a more apparent sense of humour, her dry wit and stern demeanour would have made her a more moral GLaDOS. She seemed bemused but accepting of the fact that Harry had a computer as a great-aunt, and was genuinely curious about Portal Guns. She was also a font of anecdotes about Harry's parents.

Thanks to McGonagall, they knew where to go in King's Cross Station, although a family of redheads helped matters when the matriarch said something about Muggles. GLaDOS got some stares from the redheads when she effortlessly picked up Harry's trunk and helped it onboard.

She had to wonder, why a steam engine? True, electrical and electronic devices didn't work around Hogwarts or magical areas, unless they were shielded (like her gynoid body), but why not use the myriad ways that wizards and witches had to teleport to get there? Must be some misplaced sentiment.

After their trip to Diagon Alley, both Harry and GLaDOS had spent a long time devouring the texts they had bought at Flourish and Blotts (Chell was grateful, as it meant she could stop testing for the moment, and had spent the time taking Rattmann on an expedition into the abandoned parts of Aperture). GLaDOS felt that the Potions texts didn't quite make that much sense, as there was no chemical way some of these potions, if they were made with mundane ingredients, should be able to create such potions. Perhaps the cauldrons were infused with magic. That made sense. The cauldron Harry bought certainly had a strong residue of magic.

GLaDOS also analysed the spells, as well as reading through Arithmantic texts. This was more promising, from a scientific understanding of magic point of view, as Arithmancy, given that it used mathematics combined with magic, was sort of a bridge between magic and science. It certainly helped her understand some points here and there, about how the Will-based Transmogrification Force changed the world around it.

And then, Harry was at the window, waving at them, his eyes glistening. So too was Chell's. GLaDOS was glad her eyes did not have that capacity: it would not be seemly to be seen leaking water like any old human.

Then, the train was gone, chuffing away to Hogwarts. GLaDOS looked at Chell. " _We had better get back home. Do not worry. If he can survive Aperture, he can survive anything this Hogwarts can throw at him._ "

It was easily one of the most sincerely comforting things Chell had ever heard GLaDOS say.

* * *

Harry smiled as he got to reading for the long journey. His snowy white owl, for taking mail, was sitting on his shoulder. He had considered naming her from one of the magic texts, but decided to call her Hedy Lamarr, after the actress and inventor, whose original first name, oddly enough, was the same as a witch in one of his texts, Hedwig. It felt… _fitting(_ _1)_.

The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, or ASHPoD, usually referred to as the Portal Gun, sat nestled within his trunk, along with vials of the various Gels and his Long-Fall Boots. Apparently Flitwick, upon hearing about these devices, wanted to examine them. Harry also brought a laptop. These items were quite heavily shielded.

As he began reading through his Potions text, the door opened, and one of the redheads from earlier poked his head through, a boy his age with freckles and a put-upon expression. "Can I sit in here, please? Everywhere else is full."

Harry shrugged. "Sure. Do you mind if I read?"

"No."

Not long afterwards, the twins who were apparently his older brothers appeared at the door. "Hey, Ron, listen, we're going to the middle of the train. Lee Jordan's apparently got some giant tarantula," one of them said.

"What happened to it?" Harry asked. "Radiation? Chemicals?"

The twins looked at each other, before shrugging. "Dunno. Could've been a potion," said the other twin. "I'm George, and this is Fred. Oh, and this is our little brother Ron."

"I'm Harry Evans," Harry said.

Fred cocked his head. "Really? Y'know, with that scar, you could be Harry Potter."

Ron boggled at Harry. "Wait, what? Are you Harry Potter?"

"That was my birth name, yes," Harry said, wincing slightly. _Am I really that famous?_ he groaned inwardly.

"Then why did you say you were Harry Evans?" Ron demanded indignantly.

"Because my great-aunt, Caroline Evans, adopted me," Harry explained as patiently as he could. "And I'd prefer to be known as Harry Evans."

"Oh, sorry," Ron said, subsiding.

"Well, see you at Hogwarts, Harry!" George said, before the twins left.

For a moment, the two boys sat in awkward silence, before Harry said, "It's okay, I'm not going to bite. I only found out about that whole 'Boy Who Lived' rubbish some weeks ago."

"Oh. So your great-aunt is a Muggle?"

"She was," Harry said with an impish smirk. "Now she's an Artificial Intelligence."

"A what?"

"A computer…" Seeing the blank look on the boy's face, Harry tried to come up with an explanation, before settling on, "Her mind was put into a metal body."

"That sounds like a Muggle form of dark magic," Ron remarked.

"She wasn't happy about it, but her old boss went a bit nuts before he died, and wanted her to be in charge of the facility she worked for forever. She's a bit barmy herself."

"Muggles are," Ron said, shaking his head. "Dad claims that they went to the Moon."

"Well, they did, back in 1969." _As did I, for about a minute_ , Harry reflected.

Ron boggled again. "Well…there you go. Anyway, do you remember what happened when…?" He indicated the scar.

"Not really. I sometimes have nightmares of a green light, and a high-pitched laugh. Professor McGonagall, when I told her about this, thinks it might be memories from the night. Apparently the Killing Curse is green."

"So…you live with a great-aunt who is a…computer?" Ron asked, enunciating the syllables carefully. "Who were those people with you? Was one of them your aunt?"

"Yeah, the one in the suit. The body is like a golem that she can control. The other woman is my big sister, Chell. She doesn't talk much, she had an accident that did something to her voice, but while she's a Muggle, she's also the most awesome big sister you can have."

"I've only got the one sister, and Ginny's not coming to Hogwarts until next year. I guess Bill and Charlie are pretty cool. Bill works as a curse-breaker for Gringotts, and Charlie works with dragons."

The two made small talk, opening up to each other. Ron had some small interest in Harry talking about technology, as his father worked with Muggle technology. Harry was a bit saddened to note that Ron had a lot of hand-me-downs. Even his pet rat had belonged to his older brother (and Gryffindor prefect) Percy.

Harry bought some things for himself and Ron off the trolley when it arrived around noon, and eagerly looked at the cards he had gotten with the Chocolate Frogs. One was of Dumbledore, and he soon had the beginnings of a collection. He was intrigued by the moving pictures on the cards. He told Ron that Muggles had moving pictures, just not on photos or paintings.

Ron had warned him off the Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Bean, but Harry, in the interest of scientific inquiry, resolved to try as many as possible. He remembered an anecdote GLaDOS had delivered about how Sir Francis Galton, the pioneer of fingerprinting, as well as having the dubious fame of being a pioneer of eugenics, had once resolved to try every drug in the Pharmacopeia. He had to halt at C for Castor Oil, as he didn't enjoy the resulting bowel movements(2).

A round-faced boy turned up, asking if they had seen a toad. Unfortunately, neither of them did. Harry, who had done quite a bit of reading, had suggested that the boy, Neville Longbottom, find an older student willing to use a summoning spell. Shortly afterwards, the boy came back, with a bushy-haired girl with prominent front teeth in tow.

After being told that they hadn't found the toad, the girl, who turned out to be a Muggleborn called Hermione, amazed Harry by claiming to have learned all the textbooks by heart, and had even tried out some spells. He'd done so himself, so he asked, "Okay, Hermione. What's the incantation for the Levitation Charm?"

" _Wingardium Leviosa_ ," she said, even pronouncing the syllables right.

"The difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

"There's no difference, they're just the same plant: aconite!"

"When was the Statute of Secrecy established?"

"First signed in 1689, and made law in 1692," Hermione concluded, and gave Harry a 'So there!' look.

Harry and Ron gaped at Hermione, before Harry grinned and gave her a thumbs-up. "Thank God, I wasn't the only one!" Harry said. "I'm Harry Evans, though my birth name was Harry Potter. Oh, and if you've read about me in those history books, half of it is rubbish."

Hermione, who seemed about to emit a verbal torrent about said history books, seemed deflated. "Oh, you've read them?"

"They got some things right, and a lot of things wrong. They speculate a lot. You looking to go into Ravenclaw? That's where I'm hoping to be."

"Well, I guess so, though I heard Dumbledore was in Gryffindor."

"Knowing me," Neville murmured morosely, "I'll probably end up in Hufflepuff."

"Hey, that just means you'd be loyal, hard-working, and tenacious. When we heard about the Houses, we immediately agreed my big sister would be in Hufflepuff. She never, ever gives up."

"Oh?" Hermione asked. "I thought your…" Then, tact got the better of her when she realised she was about to mention his deceased parents.

Harry said, "It's okay. She's an adopted big sister. Hey, Hermione, do you know anything about Aperture Science?"

Hermione's eyes widened. She clearly did recognise it. "The one where the crazy computer forced an evacuation?"

"Hey, be careful, that's my great-aunt you're talking about!"

Hermione boggled. "Your great-aunt…is _GLaDOS?!_ "

"I thought you said her name was Caroline," Ron said.

"Caroline was the name she had when she was still human," Harry explained patiently. "GLaDOS was the name given to the computer she became: Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System. Anyway, how did you know about Aperture, Hermione?"

"My uncle Barney used to work there. Now he works at Black Mesa."

Harry chuckled. "Well, it's probably safer there. And more boring."

Hermione looked at Harry, wondering whether he was insane, before opting to leave and take Neville with her in order to find his wayward toad. Unfortunately, Harry and Ron didn't have much time to talk (Harry was listening to Ron holding forth about Quidditch, which sounded almost as dangerous and exciting as an Aperture test chamber) when the door opened again. A blonde-haired boy with an aloof air, flanked by a pair of thuggish-looking boys (Harry wondered briefly, did wizards have cloning vats?), was present. "They say Harry Potter is in this compartment. Are you him?"

"What an interesting existential question," Harry said.

"Exist-what?" the boy asked.

"My name is Harry Evans. I was born under that name, yes, so technically, I can be called Harry Potter. And this is Ronald Weasley. And you are very rude, opening a door and asking a question without giving us your name and excusing for the intrusion."

The boy blinked, his mouth working up and down, before he said, "My name's Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. And this is Crabbe, and this is Goyle."

"Well, what can I do for you, Draco?" Harry said, with a cheerful gadfly grin on his face. GLaDOS' sense of humour had definitely rubbed off too much on him. "Someone named you after a constellation, actually. Nice touch. And a dragon too."

"Are you mocking me?"

"No, no no no," Harry reassured Draco, though a small inward part of him snorted and said _Yeah(_ _3)_ _!_ "I love astronomy!" Which was true enough.

"It was a family tradition with my mother's family," Draco said. Then, deciding to get the conversation back on track, he said, "Some wizarding families, Potter, are much better than others. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there."

"Wait, what? You want to help me with networking?" Harry asked, straight-faced, trying to keep his glee at annoying this guy down to manageable levels. "Well, with all due respect, Draco," (meaning very little at all), "I'd like to judge people on their own merits, by myself. I'm the sort of guy who likes to learn from his mistakes. Thanks all the same, though." He looked at his watch. "I think we'll be at Hogwarts before long. D'you mind if we have some privacy to change?"

Draco looked vaguely bemused, before he said, "Very well. But remember what I said, Potter."

"Draco, my last name is Evans. Please do me that courtesy, please?"

Draco merely sniffed, before he left. Hermione came by briefly. "Have you been fighting?"

"No, just putting a snooty guy in his place with confusing words."

"I can't believe you said that to Malfoy and got away with it," Ron said in amazement.

"It's both what you say, and how you say it," Harry said. "What's with him, anyway?"

"His father, supposedly, was being controlled by You Know Who, but Dad reckons that was rubbish." He looked at Hermione. "Sorry, what did you want?"

"I wanted to tell you to change," she said. "We're nearly there."

"I know," Harry said. "I have a watch."

"Is that a digital watch? I thought anything electrical couldn't work at Hogwarts."

"If we get into the same House, I'll show you otherwise," Harry said with an impish smile.

As Hermione left, Ron sighed. "Well, I wouldn't want to be in the same House as her."

Harry had to disagree, privately. For all her bossiness, she had certainly gotten Harry's attention and respect for being as devoted to memorising the texts as he was. Of course, there was still the Sorting to go through, and who knew how that would end up?

 **CHAPTER 4 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Going through the stations of canon, although Harry, being a product of growing up in Aperture, is a little unhinged. And did you guys like the touch of Hermione's uncle having worked at Aperture? Or that it's Barney Calhoun?**

 **Review-answering time!** **desireejones99** **: Actually, the Horcrux emerged after Harry was brought out of a vacuum by GLaDOS.**

 **diagonalpumpkin** **: While we won't be seeing how she performed during the trip to Diagon Alley (she ruffled a few feathers, but was more concerned with information gathering than snark, and she made the owners of Flourish and Blotts very happy. But she will interact with other wizards in the future, especially as she begins digging into the Sirius Black case.**

 **I've already answered** **Midgarosormr** **in correspondence, but I will answer his qualms here. Firstly, Harry/Hermione shipping may have been done to death by everybody else, but I am yet to do such a ship myself, so this is me trying to break new ground for myself. Secondly, I intend to only take a couple of cues from Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality (namely a less than sane Harry with a big inquisitive streak), and I try to write entertainment first, and thought-provoking stuff second.**

 **Both of the above praised my portrayal of GLaDOS, and I said to Midgarosormr that I view writing GLaDOS as the offspring of HAL 9000 (obviously), Kerr Avon from** ** _Blake's 7_** **, and Lucrezia Mongfish from** ** _Girl Genius_** **. Here, though, she is saner because she is closer to how she is before she deleted Caroline near the end of** ** _Portal 2_** **. The reason why she tries not to kill Harry and Chell is partly because she doesn't want to lose her favourite toys, and partly because she does love them, albeit in a twisted fashion.**

 **Jostanos** **: No staff, but as seen above, he is taking the Portal Gun to Hogwarts…and heaven help Hogwarts, cause nothing else will.**

 **TehUnoman** **: Yes, he did. But remember, even broken clocks are right twice a day.**

 **1\. I decided Harry would choose a science name, and chose Hedy Lamarr partly because of her association with invention, and partly because it is a reference to Kleiner's pet Headcrab in** ** _Half-Life 2_** **, also by Valve. It wasn't until I looked Hedy Lamarr on Wikipedia that I found, by wonderful happenstance, that 'Hedy' was short for 'Hedwig'. How great is that?**

 **2\. This is true. Francis Galton was a relation of Charles Darwin, and also contributed much to the field of statistics. Unfortunately, he was also a proponent of eugenics.**

 **3\. A reference to a similar line in the first episode of** ** _Hellsing Ultimate Abridged_** **, where Alucard, after the homicidal vampire priest demands "Are you mocking me?!", says "Oh no, no no no. Pfft! Yeah!"**


	6. Chapter 5: Is That a Singing Hat?

**CHAPTER 5:**

 **IS THAT A SINGING HAT?**

After disembarking from the train, Harry, along with the other first years, were led by a gigantic, bearded man by the name of Hagrid down to the edge of the lake, and to some small boats. He took one with Ron, Hermione, and Neville. Hermione was still looking a little askance at him, but he didn't care. Besides, they were wizards and witches? What was 'normal' in their lives?

The boats set off by themselves. Harry had devoured a book called _Hogwarts: A History_ , and had heard that a giant squid, along with a tribe of merpeople and other magical creatures, made the lake their home. It'd be interesting to meet a mermaid. He should see if he could fish that liquid breathing suit out of storage at Aperture, go on an expedition. As unpleasant as that experience had been, the suit still worked.

The first view of Hogwarts was, he would admit, quite magical. The castle silhouetted against the night sky, lights twinkling. There were gasps of awe. He allowed a rather wide grin to come over his face, like his great-aunt would sometimes get over one of her little surprises. Maybe not as adventure-filled as Aperture, but Hogwarts looked as if it would make a damn good shot at it.

After the boats were docked, they were led through various passageways and up stairs, where Hagrid eventually left them in the care of Professor McGonagall, who had come from some doors. She had then told them about the Houses, and that they would be sorted into each one. She told them to make themselves a bit more presentable in the meantime, and left for a few minutes.

Ron claimed that the sorting process was something that hurt a lot, according to one of the twins. Harry doubted that, though as he watched Hermione muttering spells under her breath, seeing what needed to tested, he remembered what she said. "Wait, you said your uncle's name was Barney, right? Was he Barney Calhoun?"

"Yes. My mother's brother…well, half-brother," Hermione said. "Why?"

"Oh, I remember him, that's all. He was nice." He would have said more, had it not been for the screams. A cluster of ghosts came through. Had it been anywhere but Hogwarts, he would have thought holograms. And was it him, or did the ghost in the ruff look and sound a bit like an Elizabethan John Cleese(1)?

Shortly after that, McGonagall came back, and ushered the students through into the Great Hall. Magnificent, large, with the candles floating above the students (he hoped the enchantments included not dripping hot wax all over the students), and a ceiling that looked like the sky outside, a fact Hermione was eager to tell him, and anyone within whisper range.

And then, McGonagall brought out a stool with a rather battered, ancient-looking hat. Harry wondered what was happening, until a rip near the brim opened up like a mouth, and it began to sing.

 _A singing hat_ , Harry thought almost dully. _That is a singing hat. And that song's not a touch on the Turret Choir_.

Still, the Sorting Hat did give some good information with its song: you just had to put it on, and it would decide where you should go. After the song finished to applause from the school, Ron muttered, "I'm going to kill Fred. He said something about wrestling a troll."

"That should have set off your Rubbish Meter," Harry murmured back.

The Sorting (Harry felt it deserved a capital letter by now) began. Sometimes, the Hat shouted the House out instantly, and other times, it would deliberate. It wasn't long before Harry's name, or at least a variation of it, was called out by McGonagall. "Evans-Potter, Harry!"

Harry was acutely aware of the stares as he made his way to the stool. Calming himself (this was far less arduous than anything GLaDOS had cooked up), he walked over to the stool, and allowed the Hat to be placed on his head.

"Hmm, very interesting. And rather difficult, too. You have oodles of bravery, dealing with your great-aunt, and great loyalty to her and your family, strange though it is. A thirst for knowledge, and an ambition, a desire to prove yourself as someone other than the Boy Who Lived. And a refreshingly unconventional mind too. So, where shall I put you?"

Harry thought, _I want to learn everything I can. I mean, I know I'll have friends in the other Houses. But I've decided a long time ago. I want to be known for my achievements in school, not as the Boy Who Lived. I wanna be in Ravenclaw_.

"Oh, is that right? Are you sure? Your valour, your loyalty, and your ambition would stand you in good stead in the other Houses. Ah, but I see you have already made up your mind. Such resolve… Are you sure? Then better be…RAVENCLAW!"

A burst of applause, and Harry went over to the table with blue and silver decorations. He found himself sitting near a couple of older girls, who introduced themselves as Cho Chang and Marietta Edgecomb. He was sitting opposite the ones who had been Sorted earlier, including a boy called Terry Boot, and a more sullen one by the name of Michael Corner. A ghost of a beautiful, if lugubrious, young woman stood nearby, and gave him a small smile. This, he would later learn, was the Grey Lady, the Ravenclaw House ghost.

Soon, it was Hermione's turn. For a time, she lingered, only for the Hat to declare 'RAVENCLAW!' She gave it a look after putting it down, shrugged, and moved over to the table, sitting next to Harry. He found it odd that she sat near him, given her reaction to learning that GLaDOS was his great-aunt, but maybe his praise of her uncle helped her overcome her misgivings.

Poor, clumsy Neville was under the Hat for a long time as well, but was eventually declared a Gryffindor. Harry applauded loudly: the poor boy seemed like he needed some praise. Malfoy went to Slytherin almost as soon as the Hat touched his head. Harry looked over there, and noticed more than a few people looking at him appraisingly. A few were glaring at him.

His gaze went over to the High Table, and he looked at the teachers there. There were many extraordinary figures there, including a short man who Cho Chang said was their Head of House, Professor Filius Flitwick. There was also a young man in a turban with a nervous demeanour, holding forth in conversation with a man with dark lank hair, piercing dark eyes, and a prominent nose. The latter man seemed to notice Harry's scrutiny, and glared. But mixed into that glare seemed to be some sort of appraisal.

"Marietta," Harry asked, "who are those two teachers? The guy in the turban and the man speaking to him?"

The older girl peered at them. "I've only heard of the guy in the turban, I don't know him that well. He's Professor Quirrell, our old Muggle Studies teacher. He was away on sabbatical last year, my first year, so I've only heard of him. Don't know why he's wearing that turban, though, but I heard he got scared out of his wits while preparing for his teaching role this year, in Defence Against the Dark Arts. The other one is Professor Snape. He teaches Potions, he's very strict, and quick to take points off any Gryffindor who so much as sneezes around him. He favours the Slytherins, whom he is the Head of House. He's less like that towards Ravenclaws, though, but don't annoy him if you can help it. He can get pretty vicious."

One Sorting of note was that of twin Indian girls, the Patils. Padma went into Ravenclaw, and Parvati went into Gryffindor. Harry had to wonder at that. Then again, twins didn't necessarily mean identical personalities, despite his impression of the Weasley twins.

Not long afterwards, Ron got Sorted, going into Gryffindor. And he was amongst the last, and once a Blaise Zabini was Sorted into Slytherin, Dumbledore stood. "Welcome, welcome one and all to a new year at Hogwarts! Before the feast, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you."

Harry reflected that that was one of the oddest things he had heard since he had heard one of Cave Johnson's old recordings. This seemed to be a cue, though, for the tables to suddenly become laden with food of all kinds.

"Is he a bit barmy?" Hermione asked.

"Aren't all geniuses?" Harry responded.

Terry Boot peered at Harry as they ate. "So you're Harry Potter?"

"Harry Evans," Harry corrected him. "I was born Harry Potter, but I was raised by my great-aunt. She's barmier than Dumbledore. Please don't do that whole fanboy thing. It's weird, and disturbing, given how my parents died that night."

"Hey, we'd be more curious as to how you survived," Cho said. "The Killing Curse is supposed to be unstoppable, unless you dodge or put something solid between you and it."

"Dumbledore reckons my parents might have found some obscure ritual," Harry said with a shrug. "Unfortunately, we can't ask them."

"Must've been really obscure," Cho speculated. "Then again, my father used to work with the Unspeakables. Supposedly, so did your mother. She might've found something in the Department of Mysteries. That's what he reckoned."

"So where did you live all this time?" Michael Corner asked.

"Aperture Science." He noticed only a few people seemed to recognise the name.

"Hang on," Michael Corner said with a frown. "Isn't that a Muggle research lab? Where some thinking computer scared everyone out?"

"Yeah. My great-aunt can be scary when she wants to be, which is a lot of the time."

"Your great-aunt is a computer?"

"It's a long story," Harry said.

They finished their meals in short order, discussing some small aspects of their lives as they did so. Dumbledore then made some announcements. Harry filed away the warning about the forest automatically, along with the thing about Filch and his forbidden items list. He hoped that, after this year, the Portal Gun and the Gels wouldn't be added to that list. He did find Quidditch intriguing, and while he didn't have a broom, he made a mental note to track down Madam Hooch and ask whether he could try out, or at least see if first years could.

It was Dumbledore's final announcement that was odd. And intriguing. He told them that the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side was forbidden, and should be avoided to ensure one didn't die a most dreadful death. To Harry, that at least bore some small investigation, if only to figure out why. If it looked too dangerous, then he would retreat forthwith.

And then, Dumbledore announced the school song. Harry noticed the smiles on a couple of the teachers becoming fixed, and he soon understood why. Never had he heard such a cacophonic refrain since that time Wheatley accidentally infected the Turret Choir with a rather nasty virus. And not a computer virus, either, but a nanomachine virus that attacked key components of some of Aperture Science's products speakers. Harry and Chell thought the resulting attempts the Turret Choir made at singing, while discordant and loud, were utterly hilarious.

Eventually, the song stopped, save for the Weasley twins singing it to a rather mournful dirge. After they were finished, Dumbledore dismissed them.

As they made their way to the Ravenclaw Common Room, Harry said to Hermione, "Ready to start learning?"

She actually smiled. "I'm always ready."

* * *

As the teachers got ready to meet their charges, Filius Flitwick found himself walking with Severus Snape. While normally he didn't like doing so, it seemed that Snape wanted to talk to him. "So, it seems that Potter has been Sorted into your House, Filius," Snape remarked.

"Indeed. Has Albus told you of where he has been?"

"He told me privately, but I know he intended to tell the rest of you in due course. Apparently that bitch of an aunt of his sent him to America. He's spent his life in a Muggle laboratory, albeit as the ward of one of their employees. An employee who had her mind put into a computer, of all things." Snape all but scoffed. "I thought Dumbledore had finally gone senile when he said that. Fawkes saw fit to rebuke me when I said that: apparently he had a bad experience there involving a Muggle fire suppression system."

"A computer? I didn't think Muggles had the ability to do such a thing as putting a person's mind into a computer."

"Aperture Science does a lot of things that are considered impossible, apparently. I've done my research. It was started by someone who seems like the Squib offspring of Xenophilus Lovegood and Sybil Trelawney, both mad and forward-looking, but with far better business acumen. Which wasn't much, apparently: Cave Johnson fell prey to corporate espionage. And silicosis from lunar soil(2)."

"Oh." On reflection, it sounded like a nasty way to go.

"Indeed. Dumbledore claims that he is highly inquisitive, though. But the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Which reminds me, I'll have to remind the House Elves of my allergies once again."

As Snape swept off with his typically melodramatic swish of his cloak, Flitwick mused on Harry. Now that he and the promising Muggleborn girl Hermione Granger had been Sorted into his House, he now had two promising students in it. It was Harry who would prove to be an unusual one, though. If what Snape said was correct, then he was living in interesting times. What sort of interesting, though, he didn't know for sure…

 **CHAPTER 5 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **The Sorting! And Harry and Hermione are in Ravenclaw!**

 **I thought it would be interesting to show Cho Chang and Marietta Edgecomb, particularly the latter before she ran afoul of Hermione's curse in The Order of the Phoenix.**

 **jgkitarel** **: Luna and Harry will be fast friends, with Harry taking her talk of non-existent creatures in his stride.**

 **desireejones99** **: Ron will be Ron. As Harry is in Ravenclaw, there'll be less of him in this story, but he will still be Harry's friend, as well as Hermione's. Given that Ron likes chess, though, I think Harry might be able to persuade him to solve a few portal-based puzzles. I can see Ron doing that.**

 **vukovinik** **: Glad you liked it. I needed a good name to fit in with Aperture's weird system of nomenclature, and thought that that would be a great name.**

 **Jostanos** **: Yes, he has the same wand as in canon. Not that it won't stop him from potentially using the Portal Gun as a second wand, as you mentioned…**

 **Lord-Marauder-2013** **: I stated it outright in the annotations for the previous chapter: Hermione's uncle is Barney Calhoun, the security guard character from the** ** _Half-Life_** **series.**

 **LM13** **: It'll be hard to include that line, but I will endeavour to do so further down the track. It's a great line.**

 **Conu** **: Sad but true, huh?**

 **1\. Well, it** ** _was_** **John Cleese who played Nearly Headless Nick in the films…**

 **2\. While the disease that Cave Johnson perishes of is never specified, save that lunar rocks caused it, there is some evidence that long-term exposure to lunar dust could cause something like silicosis.**


	7. Chapter 6: Is That an Einstein-Rosen

**CHAPTER 6:**

 **IS THAT AN EINSTEIN-ROSEN BRIDGE?!**

On his first full day at Hogwarts, long before heading to breakfast, Harry Evans was already causing comment. And not just because of his fame as the Boy Who Lived. Harry knew that he had aroused a lot of interest at the table last night talking about Aperture. Hermione, Cho and Marietta were already up, so he decided to do a bit of show and tell, bringing the Portal Gun out, as well as the Gels.

Hermione frowned as she peered at the gooey, greyish-white substance. "So, this is a colloid derived from what can only be described as artificial lunar regolith?"

"Yep," Harry said. "Cave Johnson used actual moon rocks to create the first Conversion Gel, but it was easier to create a substitute. It's one of the few things that can reliably conduct a portal's event horizon."

"And this stuff?" Marietta asked, looking at the blue gel.

"Repulsion Gel. Funny story that, it was originally designed as a diet aid. It was supposed to bounce excess food out. Unfortunately, it wasn't a success. It's got some untested chemicals and elements in it, and it's apparently not fond of organically-formed calcium hydroxylapatite, so as you can imagine, anything with a skeleton ingesting it, or getting covered in it, is not going to be happy. Don't worry, it's safe as long as you don't get your whole body covered by it."

"What do you use it for?" Marietta said, handing the vial back over.

"Spread some on the floor, and you get an instant trampoline," Harry said.

"And this stuff?" Cho said, looking at a vial of orange gel.

"Propulsion Gel. Like Repulsion Gel, a diet aid that backfired. Meant to make the food simply zoom through without any calories being absorbed. Tended to stop people from getting any nutrition. Spread it on a floor, and it effectively becomes frictionless." He then picked up the Portal Gun. In order to help it being more portable, GLaDOS had modified it so that it could fold away into a box the size of a few VHS cases. Most of the space, in fact, was taken up by the small black hole in the middle of the Portal Gun. The resulting cube was kept in a mokeskin pouch, which Harry had bought in Diagon Alley to hold his bulkier items.

He unfolded it. "Now, this guy's the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, or ASHPoD for short, though we generally call it the Portal Gun. This one has been modified to see whether surfaces can sustain a portal." He put it on his arm, and then found a surface on a stone wall. He then placed another on the ceiling above them.

The three girls gaped in surprise, looking up at the portal, then across to the other one. "Is that an Einstein-Rosen Bridge?!" Hermione yelped.

"Of sorts."

"A wormhole," Hermione murmured. "That's an honest-to-God _wormhole_."

"What does your great-aunt get up to in this…Aperture?" Cho breathed in awe.

"Lots of stuff," Harry said.

It was at that moment that Flitwick, hoping to talk to some of the more eager students, walked in. He boggled at the portals. He had been told of the Portal Gun, of course, but to see it in action was another matter. "My word, Mr Potter…that's really fascinating. Is it possible to move through them?"

"Yes, but I wouldn't try it. You'd fall."

"Oh, indeed I wouldn't," Flitwick said. "They aren't permanent, are they?"

"No, I can cancel them." He clicked one of the triggers within the device, and the portals shrank and faded.

"What a fascinating device. And Muggles created it. Which only goes to show," Flitwick said. "One of these days, I should arrange a meeting with your great-aunt. If what Albus and Severus have told me is true, then she would be most fascinating to talk to." After a moment, he added, "Preferably on neutral ground, though."

* * *

After their slightly bad start yesterday, Harry and Hermione were soon chatting away as if they were old friends. Many of the other Ravenclaws, who weren't as well-versed in the finer points of Muggle physics, thought that they might as well be speaking another language. Hermione, for one, was relieved to have someone she could talk to on her level, and didn't talk down to her, or else look like they had just fallen into catatonia.

"So how is Barney, anyway?" Harry asked.

"Uncle Barney? He's fine. He doesn't like Dr Breen, though."

"The Administrator of Black Mesa? Of course not. Don't get me wrong, his papers on dimensional physics are astonishingly brilliant, but he was part of Black Mesa's corporate espionage unit before he became head of that place. So GLaDOS says, anyway."

"You really trust her, don't you?" Hermione said as they sat down to have breakfast.

"Hermione, she used to be my Great-Aunt Caroline. And she loved me more than anything. Okay, she's somewhat on the crazy side. But the most interesting people usually are, aren't they? I mean, look at Dumbledore."

Hermione nodded. They had gotten their class schedules, and Harry was intrigued to find that they had Double Potions, and then Charms in the afternoon.

"By the way, Hermione, what do your parents do for a living?"

"They're both dentists. Well, my mother's a top oral and maxillofacial surgeon(1), and my father is a forensic odontologist. But telling people that they're dentists is simpler."

"Neat."

* * *

Potions was held in one of the deepest dungeons of the castle. It was cold, but Harry didn't mind. Even the things pickled in jars fascinated him, and he resisted the urge (with considerable difficulty) to gawp at what they preserved. They were with the Hufflepuffs for this class.

As Snape, their teacher, took the roll, he paused at Harry's name. "Ah, yes. Mr Evans-Potter…our new _celebrity_."

Harry just met his gaze. The man seemed to be sizing him up, and Harry had gotten more intimidating glares from his own great-aunt.

After taking the roll, Snape began what seemed to be a well-practised introductory speech. Harry had to admit, Snape worked well with an audience, his deep, nasal voice resonating around the room. Snape, when he called them a lot of dunderheads, was peering at Harry. He intended to prove Snape wrong.

"Evans-Potter! What would I get if I combined asphodel with wormwood?" Snape's voice barked out.

"The base for a few potions, though the most noteworthy one is the Draught of Living Death, sir. A sleeping potion so potent, only the antidote can revive the imbiber."

Snape blinked, then raised an eyebrow. "Hmm. Clearly fame isn't everything. Very well. Where would you look should I ask you to find a bezoar?"

"A bezoar is a gastrolith, a stone that can be found in the digestive systems of many animals, even humans, but a goat bezoar is the one you're looking for. It's one of the most potent antidotes."

Again, Snape blinked. Eventually, he said, "It seems that you can read outside the scope of your assigned text." There was the faintest hint of grudging approval in the man's voice. His eyes flickered over to Hermione, who had her hand up. "As you are so eager to share your knowledge, Granger, please be so kind as to tell me the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane."

"There's no difference. They're the same plant, aconite, a key ingredient of many potions. And poisonous if not handled carefully."

"Indeed," Snape said. After a long silence, he said, "Ten points to Ravenclaw. And why aren't you copying this down?" This last was added sharply.

He then put instructions up on the blackboard, for a boil-curing potion. Harry partnered up with Hermione, and between the two of them, they managed to brew a potion that got a nod of grudging approval from Snape. A few Hufflepuffs, however, felt the lash of his tongue, especially as he caught one of them about to put porcupine quills in while the cauldron was still on the heat.

Afterwards, Harry stayed behind briefly to ask Snape a question. Snape looked down at Harry from behind his desk. "What do you want, Evans-Potter?" he asked.

"I'm just curious, sir. Why are there no reaction tables in the book? You know, to show what ingredient may react badly with another, or with some process?"

Snape, once more, blinked. Eventually, he said, "Sadly, Evans-Potter, most potioneers neglect to think of such things. They believe it easier to learn through trial and error, which is imbecilic. Arsenius Jigger's text is the best of a bad lot. When I put potions recipes on the board, I expect them to be followed to the very letter. You are one of the few students who bother to ask about such things. Are you interested in experimenting with potions?"

"I'm always interested in experiments, sir."

"Then some advice, Evans-Potter. For the time being, stick with the basics. Should you prove that today was no fluke of luck, then I will point you and any interested parties to texts of interest. And experimenting with potions can be dangerous. From what the Headmaster has told me of your…home situation, you seem to have a rather skewed sense of what is dangerous. But I am sure that your knowledge of Muggle chemistry is enough that you know that mixing certain chemicals is extremely dangerous. Stick with learning what I set out in class for the time being." He seemed to consider Harry for a moment, before saying, "You and Granger work adequately."

Harry seemed to realise that this was high praise coming from the dour man. "Thank you, sir. I'll leave you be now."

* * *

As Harry left, Snape watched him go. While his personality was, superficially, like James Potter, all smiles and cheerfulness and brimming with confidence, he also had the serious, no-nonsense attitude of his mother when he needed to. And he had shown Snape nothing less than respect.

Had Harry ended up in Gryffindor, and hadn't answered the questions the way he did, Snape might have reacted differently. Even with Dumbledore's admonishments, he might have. But not only did he answer the questions correctly (though he didn't see the hidden message in the language of flowers), he even asked a moderately intelligent question afterwards.

Definitely more Lily's child than Potter's, Snape reflected, and he hoped that was a good thing…

* * *

The rest of the day, and indeed the week, went by somewhat variably. Charms and Transfiguration were excellent, given both the subject matter and their teachers, Flitwick and McGonagall respectively. The latter was a strict teacher, but she was also an interesting one, and if he was honest, she was more interesting than Snape. Herbology he had mixed feelings about. He didn't like doing what was glorified gardening, but the plants themselves were interesting.

Harry didn't have much interest in history, and what there was was killed off by the ghost teaching History of Magic. It was the one class where Hermione put in more of an effort than he did. In fact, he tended to read the textbook more, as Professor Binns was so dry and boring. It was either that, or have a nap. Defence Against the Dark Arts was a joke: Quirrell stuttered and stammered, and it was hard to learn anything other than from the textbook.

On the occasions that they had classes with the Slytherins, Harry noted that Draco seemed to have taken what had happened on the train as a rejection, and so tried a few subtle and not-so-subtle things to get him into trouble. So immature. He was seriously considering asking Ron's twin brothers for help in keeping the blonde ponce on his toes. According to Ron (whenever they had lessons together, they'd talk to Ron and Neville), they were inveterate pranksters.

Harry got an invitation from Hagrid, via Hedy, to have tea on Friday afternoon. Hermione decided to come with him on his invitation, and Harry brought along Ron and Neville.

The huge man seemed particularly pleased to meet Harry. The last time they had met, Harry was but a babe in arms. He had known Harry's birth parents, and reckoned that his mother, in particular, would have been proud of him being in Ravenclaw.

It was while Hagrid and Ron were discussing the work Ron's brother Charlie did with dragons that Harry noticed a newspaper clipping about a break-in at Gringotts. He frowned. McGonagall had stated during their trip to Diagon Alley that there had been no such thing as a successful break-in to the wizarding bank.

Even so, it was probably nothing that would need to concern him. Or at least that's what he thought…

 **CHAPTER 6 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **The first week of classes. Next chapter will be when GLaDOS begins raising doubts about Sirius Black.**

 **Also, note how Snape is less of a git. This is partly because Harry answers the questions correctly, and partly because he's in Ravenclaw. This'll be one of the fics where Snape (gradually) becomes a better person.**

 **Review-answering time!** **HelenTheMoon** **: We probably won't have the Resonance Cascade go on at all. That being said, we might have an appearance not just from Barney, but also Gordon Freeman. In fact, it'll probably be the Gordon Freeman from** ** _Freeman's Mind_** **. I can just see him outside a vault in Gringotts: "I am Captain Gordon Freeman of the Intergalactic House of Pancakes, ORDERING YOU TO OPEN!"**

 **Lydia-Hood** **: While he goes into Gryffindor in a few of my stories, I view Harry (and indeed many other characters) as being malleable enough to go into other Houses. One of my favourite stories,** ** _The Best Revenge_** **, has Harry going into Hufflepuff, while a crossover with** ** _Black Lagoon_** **,** ** _Harry and the Pirates_** **, has him, and many other characters, going into Slytherin.**

 **ultima-owner** **: Lunar dust is potentially capable of that. Nobody has suffered from silicosis from lunar dust yet, but it's thought to be capable of doing so over long-term exposure. It makes sense that silicosis is the illness Cave Johnson dies from.**

 **Rebmul** **: I've tagged it as such, and put it into my foreword. So, yeah, pretty bloody obvious that this is a Harry/Hermione fic.**

 **nushadir** **: People have done this crossover before. I just hoped to do a decent story. As mentioned before, I was inspired particularly by** ** _Raised by GLaDOS_** **, but I thought I could do it in a somewhat different manner, somewhat more serious, and with less bashing. As for your comment regarding** ** _Half-Life_** **events, see my reply to HelenTheMoon above.**

 **BlazeStryker : See above comments for HelenTheMoon**

 **1\. I think Hermione's mother was this, or something like this, in** ** _Sympathetic Properties_** **by Mr Norrell. I could be wrong. I know I saw something along these lines in another fanfic somewhere.**


	8. Chapter 7: What Happened to Crime Scene

**CHAPTER 7:**

 **WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION?**

GLaDOS ran the simulations again and again. There was no mistake, or rather, there had been several. Just not made by her. While publicly, she bragged about her infallibility, in truth, she was privately very aware that she could make mistakes. Like leaving Wheatley to babysit Harry. Or not putting the more expensive and longer-lasting power cell into the experimental liquid breathing suit.

Even so, the egregious mistakes she was seeing here were astonishing, and only either sheer stupidity, or else emotion and prejudice overwhelming critical thinking (which was the same thing in the end, really) could explain how this was missed.

Minerva McGonagall, during their sojourn into Diagon Alley, had divulged an interesting fact. Harry's godfather, Sirius Black, was currently in prison, namely the wizarding prison of Azkaban. Supposedly, he had betrayed the Potters. He then murdered another friend of James Potter, one Peter Pettigrew, with a curse that also killed a dozen other people. Curious, GLaDOS had begun to check records, and had even managed to contact the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Through them, she learned a most perturbing fact: the records of Sirius Black's trial were missing…if they existed at all. And as she delved into the case, looking through records, she found herself more and more perturbed.

While magic tended to violate physical laws in many regards, some of the effects still followed them, and the Blasting Curse that Sirius was meant to have used was one of them. It effectively acted like a grenade or a bomb. And while it was not unreasonable to assume that Pettigrew's remains would be unrecognisable, it didn't mean that there would be literally nothing left of him but a finger. There were no curses that she found through the books she had bought at Diagon Alley that could reproduce such an effect either.

She ran simulations to try and match what the crime scene reports did, but as far as she could tell, there should have been more of Peter left than a finger. It didn't rule out Black casting a different spell, true, but the circumstantial evidence seemed to be contradictory too.

As she pondered this in her gynoid body, wandering through Aperture, she entered a chamber that she was certain wasn't being used. As it happened, it was being used as an impromptu gallery, the walls covered with the distinctive art of Douglas Rattmann, who was currently putting the finishing touch on a surprisingly excellent mural of Chell, her posture vaguely messianic, while his Companion Cube, Tetra, sat nearby. Wheatley was looking on from his rail, offering encouragement to the schizophrenic scientist.

The artist himself turned when GLaDOS entered, and stared. He then pulled a bottle of pills from his jacket, and counted them.

" _No, you are not hallucinating, surprising as that may be_ ," GLaDOS reassured him in an uncharacteristic move of kindness towards the schizophrenic.

"So…you are really wearing a deerstalker, cape, and smoking a pipe?" Rattmann asked, hardly believing his eyes.

"Yep, that's what she's doin', mate. Going the whole Sherlock Holmes kit there," Wheatley offered.

" _Not actually smoking, no. The fire suppressant system would have activated, otherwise, and these clothes are expensive. I bought them in London. But I am doing detective work, and wanted to try the accoutrements of the greatest detective, fictional or otherwise._ "

Rattmann blinked for a moment, rubbing at his scraggy beard for a moment at the sight of GLaDOS dressing up as Sherlock Holmes, before deciding to run with it. Rattmann asked, "What are you doing detective work for, anyway?"

" _Harry's godfather is considered a traitor to his parents. But I am finding the evidence relating to a subsequent crime…disturbingly inconsistent._ " GLaDOS blinked when she thought about it. Despite his affliction, Rattmann was, ironically, one of the more sensible scientists at Aperture. Not sensible enough to run like hell when given the opportunity, but sensible enough to know that a homicidal computer will continue trying, no matter if you give her a conscience or not. Not that she was truly homicidal now, but her morality was as loose as Wheatley's grasp of common sense. " _Perhaps you can help me._ "

Rattmann also blinked in bemusement, before saying, "Can I get a hat too?"

* * *

Thankfully, GLaDOS did buy a few spares. Even Wheatley could wear one, albeit tied to him. Of course, Sherlock Holmes wasn't actually named as wearing a deerstalker in the stories, although a couple of times, he was described as wearing a hat that matched the description.

Rattmann frowned, before he began painting again, of an explosion sending a dozen figures flying through the air. At the bottom was a single finger. "The way I see it," he said as he did his painting, "there's multiple possibilities. The first is that what happened is what was reported, and that the wizards were just sloppy. The second was that Black didn't divulge the information he did willingly, and only did so under torture. The wizards have control spells, right?" He asked GLaDOS.

She nodded. " _And I was told about this Fidelius Charm that the Potters used by McGonagall. An intriguing way of keeping a secret._ "

"Yes…anyway, I have two more theories, both dependent on a single supposition. Most people thought that Black was the Secret Keeper, because he was James Potter's best friend. What if Pettigrew was, and Black was just a decoy?"

The thought had crossed her mind. In fact, he seemed to be outlining theories she had considered, so he was certainly thinking along similar lines. " _It is a possibility. A third scenario supposes that Pettigrew betrayed the Potters, and Sirius tried to avenge them, and succeeded, killing the others by pure accident while trying to kill Peter in a blind rage._ "

Rattmann nodded, before saying, "But here's the real intriguing possibility: what if Pettigrew survived? What if he actually staged his own death? Blew up the street, cut off his own finger to leave behind, but somehow pulled a vanishing act? Made himself invisible, or into an animal, or simply teleported away?"

" _That sounds unnecessarily convoluted and dependent on many people being idiots_ ," GLaDOS remarked. She had considered a similar theory as well. After a pause, she said, " _Cave would have liked it. And this theory has a strange appeal to me. All it needs are burning lemons._ "

Suddenly, a doorbell sound rang from the PA system. GLaDOS sighed. " _Oh, it's_ _ **him**_ _again. And it looks like he's brought company. I'll have to take this. Keep the hats if you want._ "

* * *

GLaDOS knew more things than debatably anything that was ever born on this world. But even she didn't know exactly what the man currently striding into her chamber was…only that he wasn't, despite appearances, actually human.

He was dressed in an immaculate suit, and had a gaunt face with sunken eyes whose green shade was ridiculously pale. He seemed like some bureaucrat who could do with more sunlight, perpetually carrying a briefcase. His English was immaculate, but he had strange rhythms and cadences in his speech that betrayed that it was far from his mother tongue.

For convenience's sake, she named the man John Smith, a name he adopted with a knowing smile. Rattmann, the one and only time he had met Smith, had dubbed him the G-Man, and promptly fled.

"Greetings, GLaDOS," Smith rasped as he approached her gynoid body. "Is it…a costume party? If so I feel…woefully underdressed."

GLaDOS realised she still had the Sherlock Holmes paraphernalia on, and removed the deerstalker. " _No. I am merely trying behavioural variances in order to enhance my critical evaluation skills. You should try it. It must get boring wearing the same suit day-in, day-out._ "

"GLaDOS…I am wearing…a costume of sorts…" Smith said, with a dry chuckle. "I vary my apparel each day."

" _What do you want, then? We're not intending to mount any expeditions to Xen. Call me paranoid, but I would like to avoid causing an alien invasion. There would be nothing left for me to take over._ "

Smith chuckled drily again. "Actually…that was rather the point. I spilled…some coffee in my…briefcase. I could not…oversee this reality's…progression, until recently. Many staff at…Black Mesa should…have been working…there at the time…of your awakening. As it is…the results of their…plundering of Xen…brought about…unforeseen consequences…in a different reality. Breen…in this reality…has only now…become aware of Xen. I had to do…some sabotage…to make sure attention…from unwanted corners…wasn't brought upon…this Earth. And every saboteur…needs a scapegoat."

" _Is this related to the man currently pacing the antechamber and demanding a packet of Doritos?_ " GLaDOS asked.

"Indeed. I assured…him that if he…went along with what…I intended, I would bring him…to a facility at…the cutting edge…of science, and…where his talents would…be put to more use than…shoving samples in…a trolley in a test chamber. He was most…displeased at his…doctorate being wasted. He is more…than a little neurotic. But he is…a genius. Neurotic…mercurial…egotistical…and he has a…tendency to enjoy pharmaceuticals…a little too much. But a genius nonetheless."

" _He should fit right in, considering we have a schizophrenic, a mute, and a wizard_ ," GLaDOS remarked drily. " _What is his name?_ "

* * *

"I AM CAPTAIN GORDON FREEMAN OF THE INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF PANCAKES, ORDERING YOU TO OPEN(1)!"

The door remained stubbornly locked, and Doctor Gordon Freeman, with a snarl of annoyance, kicked it, receiving only a stubbed toe for his troubles. This place was decrepit, like it hadn't seen much activity, let alone a cleaning lady, for decades. The damn place didn't have any magazines, or any food or drink dispensers.

First, that freak in the immaculate suit basically sabotaged a good chunk of Black Mesa, especially the Lambda Complex, and then blamed Gordon for it! The freak then told him to play along, as Black Mesa was going to fire him on disciplinary and drug charges anyway. It was just oxycodone, for God's sake! And Mr Nice Suit spun him some bullshit tale of some grand and glorious facility. But this place was a dump.

Freeman cleaned his glasses, before rubbing pensively at his neat beard. He'd heard horror stories about Aperture Science, mostly from Barney, who had become Gordon's drinking buddy. But this was just a dump, not some horrific playground ruled over by HAL 9000's snarky sister…

To calm himself, he began doing some mental exercises on degenerate matter(2). He got as far as neutron stars when a nearby door opened, and a woman in an orange jumpsuit strode in. She appeared to be of Asian descent, and quite the looker, holding a strange gun on one hand, but not pointed at him. Freeman, however, was still annoyed. "It's about time!" he snapped. "I've been kept waiting by you and Mr Nice Suit for ages. Are you the computer who took over this place? If so, it's a dump! I mean, seriously, how hard is it to build some cleaning robots, huh? Or are you devoting all your time to creating your rip-offs of Daleks to conquer the world with, and not bothering with cleaning up?"

The woman raised an eyebrow, but didn't reply.

"What, can't speak? Wow, I would've thought a robot would have been able to create a decent voice synthesiser. Still, got to give you props for making a realistic gynoid body," Freeman said, walking forward and taking her hand (the one not currently holding a weird gun) and holding it as she looked on, smirking. "Wow, realistic, just like the real thing. I can feel a pulse and everything."

" _That is because she IS the real thing, Doctor Freeman._ "

The lilting, synthesised voice (which nonetheless managed to convey sarcasm and weariness at stupidity) didn't come from the woman, who was laughing silently. "Who said that?!" Freeman demanded.

" _I am the computer who took over the place, Doctor Freeman. And for your information, I find the design of the Daleks to be somewhat cumbersome and inefficient. I am the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, or GLaDOS. And, incidentally, I am your new employer. If you have any complaints about this, I would suggest our human resources department, only they all went to Black Mesa, and I am sure they are glad to be shot of you._ "

"Bullshit! This was a set-up!" Freeman snarled.

" _That too. Of course, you can still stand there, screeching like the monkey you are minus the flinging of faecal matter, or you can see what you're in for. Chell? Show Doctor Freeman how to think with portals._ "

Chell, as the woman in front of him seemed to be called, sighed, before firing the gun at the wall, causing a strange, blue shimmering oval to appear. She then fired at the wall just behind Freeman, and the blue oval faded to reveal Freeman's back, framed by a ring of blue energy.

He whirled to find a similar orange ring behind him, and a nice view of Chell's back (ooh, callipygian), but most of his mind was not occupied with her, but with what he had just seen. "I don't understand. There's no known physics model for this. Unless…" His eyes widened. "OH MY GOD! I'M TWO DIMENSIONAL(3)!"

He sagged to the ground in a dead faint, fuelled by shock, fatigue, and oxycodone withdrawal. The bearded physicist didn't hear GLaDOS say, " _I think we broke him. Does he still have a warranty?_ "

 **CHAPTER 7 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **I'm sure many of you** ** _Half-Life_** **fans are gasping for breath. Yes, the G-Man (who is given the name John Smith here) and Gordon Freeman have entered the building! More specifically, it's Gordon Freeman from** ** _Freeman's Mind_** **, a neurotic, prescription drug-addicted mess of a physicist.**

 **For those of you not in the know,** ** _Freeman's Mind_** **was a machinima series that was basically a playthrough of** ** _Half-Life_** **(albeit with elements that aren't in the game, like the ability to climb railings), but with Gordon Freeman speaking. Ross Scott voiced Freeman, and the series went on for 69 episodes (not counting non-canon episodes, and counting episode 0), before finally being finished late last year. It is hilarious as hell for the most part, with Freeman swinging between sociopathy and pointing out the flaws in the game (like the crappy catwalks, and the impracticality of a government cover-up for Black Mesa). It is an excellent series, and if you have any love of** ** _Half-Life_** **, or just want a different take on a Let's Play, watch it. You'll find the videos on Ross Scott's YouTube channel, Accursed Farms.**

 **And yes, Freeman is a little too fond of pharmaceuticals in the series.**

 **Review-answering time!** **harrysowl** **: Who said anything about a mere cameo? I've decided, as this chapter shows, that the Resonance Cascade doesn't happen in this timeline. The G-Man couldn't do it here, and decided to make sure this world didn't attract the attention of the Combine.**

 **Akuma-Heika** **: This is not set during the events of** ** _Portal 2_** **. This is set before when the events of** ** _Portal_** **would have taken place in the original** ** _Half-Life/Portal_** **universe. This is** **not** **hard to follow by any means. And Flitwick was merely remarking on how remarkable Muggle technology was.**

 **DhanaRagnarok** **: In all likelihood, Alyx won't be showing up any time soon.**

 **1\. A line from episode 4 of** ** _Freeman's Mind_** **. In that case, however, Gordon was trying to leave the wrecked Test Chamber in the immediate aftermath of the Resonance Cascade.**

 **2\. Degenerate matter means extremely dense matter under extraordinary pressure, and is a key concept in extremely dense stars like white dwarves and neutron stars.**

 **3\. A reference to what happens in the spoof trailer** ** _Freeman Across the Universe_** **, where Freeman's voice is used in a variety of first person games. This is his reaction to portals in the trailer.**


	9. Chapter 8: Is That a Corpse?

**CHAPTER 8:**

 **IS THAT A CORPSE?**

Harry wished he could have seen the troll, albeit out of curiosity than anything else. As it was, it was lucky it had killed nobody, and the only injuries seemed to be either indirectly related, or not related at all. Quirrell supposedly had fainted upon seeing the troll and got a concussion, while Snape was limping the next day. Thankfully, Hermione, Ron and Neville didn't have anything happen, though given Malfoy's increasingly belligerent attitude, Harry was kind of hoping something would befall the blonde idiot. If his parents believed the same blood purity idiocy as Malfoy seemed to subscribe to, then he could only put it down to excessive inbreeding.

Harry and Hermione had been at the table when Quirrell burst in and started screaming about a troll. Harry was a little ambivalent about Halloween. After all, the wizards were celebrating the night for their own reasons, but also because it was the night his parents died fighting Voldemort, and his legend began. But he decided to attend the feast anyway, and found it enjoyable enough to overcome his qualms.

Flitwick didn't seem all that forthcoming about why the troll had been present, as Harry and Hermione were sure that the wards should have stopped it. He was certainly evasive, meaning that there was more to the story than that.

Why was there a troll in the castle? Certainly a good question, to which Harry didn't have the answer. And one thing that he did get from his great-aunt was a hatred of ignorance, especially in themselves.

Speaking of GLaDOS, she had sent a letter not long ago stating that they had received another visit from John Smith. Harry thought the man (well, for a loose definition of 'man') to be creepy, albeit in an interesting way. Not only that, but they had acquired a new researcher from Black Mesa.

Which was why, as they ate breakfast the morning after the troll incident, Harry asked Hermione, "Do you know a guy from Black Mesa called Gordon Freeman?"

"Do I? His papers are brilliant! Uncle Barney says he's a fun guy, but pretty eccentric, and he's got a temper. Supposedly, Black Mesa was thinking of firing him."

"Well, they must have done it. He's now at Aperture," Harry said, looking at the missive GLaDOS had sent him. "He's apparently still trying to figure out how the Portal Gun works. Apparently he had a fit when he first saw it in action. But he's settling in."

"Wow. Gordon Freeman working at Aperture? That's actually pretty scary," Hermione muttered. "Then again, I'm still trying to figure out how half the stuff you've told me about works."

"I think the standard explanation at Aperture Science is that it works because, well, it's Aperture. Those Gels were originally diet aids, remember?"

"So Aperture is like Bloody Stupid Johnson(1)?"

"Actually, that's not a bad analogy for some of the inventions. I remember hearing Cave Johnson say in a recording that they throw science at the wall and see what sticks. Of course, he was less Bloody Stupid Johnson than he was Bloody Insane Johnson."

"Speaking of which, what have you been doing with Ron's brothers?"

"Plotting. They're good pranksters, with inventive minds, but even the most inventive mind can get stale and staid. Sometimes they just need a fresh viewpoint. They want some of the Gel. Now, I'm not going to give it to them, in case you're wondering. That stuff can be dangerous when used improperly, especially if you're bouncing on Repulsion Gel and don't have Long-Fall Boots. But what's that cliché? There's more than one way to skin a cat?"

Hermione grimaced. "I'm a cat person. I've never liked that figure of speech."

"Believe me, GLaDOS has probably tested exactly how many ways there are," Harry said blithely. "Actually, she's been busy on something else lately. Supposedly she's talking to the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement."

"Why?"

"Well, my godfather was apparently Sirius Black. Did you read up on the Fidelius Charm?" Harry asked.

"Not yet."

"Well, it's a magic spell that can be used to conceal a person or a location, right? And only a designated third party can know about that secret. So the third party knows the secret, and can divulge to anyone who needs access to that person or location. Otherwise, nobody knows where the person or location is. This third party is called a Secret Keeper. With me?"

Hermione nodded. "I did hear that Sirius Black somehow betrayed the Potters. Was he the Secret Keeper?"

"That's what everyone else thought. But GLaDOS just noticed some…inconsistencies. Particularly with the subsequent murder of thirteen people he did afterwards. I mean, he apparently killed Peter Pettigrew with a curse of some kind that left only his finger. But if Peter got blown up, which is what they say, how come only a finger remained? Surely there'd be other chunks of him around?"

"Harry, I _am_ trying to eat my breakfast." After eating some more, she said, "But you've got a point. Most spells that I have read about would be…messier, or cleaner."

"And the Muggles killed in the same blast were certainly more intact, and Sirius himself was uninjured. And, of course, by all accounts, Sirius and my father were like brothers. So the people my great-aunt has interviewed said. But because the Blacks were a notoriously dark family, well, they thought he was reverting to form. But here's the real kicker: my great-aunt asked the Head of the DMLE to provide trial records and whatever records were made at the time of the arrest."

"And what did they say?"

"Well, the arrest records said little more than I already said…but there were no records of a trial. Either they got lost, or Black never got one. And apparently Azkaban's not a good place to be."

"Azkaban? That's the wizarding prison, right? The one guarded by Dementors?"

"Yeah. I don't want to be anywhere near one of those," Harry said with a shudder. "Anyway, have you finished Potions homework?"

"Of course. You?"

"Just need to put the finishing touches. Snape's a bit nasty, but if you do things right, he's actually quite the font of knowledge. Unfortunately, he seems to have it in for poor Neville. I've been giving Neville and Ron some tips, though." He pursed his lips. "That being said, that question about asphodel and wormwood is a pretty advanced one, by at least a couple of years. I think he was trying to test me. Still, at least he's competent, unlike Quirrell."

Hermione nodded. Well, it was a bit harsh. At times, Quirrell managed to get his act together and teach some useful things, and to be fair to him, the homework assignments were informative, and often more interesting than the lessons themselves. But it would be hard to find a more incompetent DADA teacher than him…

* * *

In different parts of Magical Britain, two people sneezed simultaneously, twice. One was a handsome wizard with blonde hair, a shining smile, and a series of bestselling books plagiarised from the experiences of more competent wizards. The other was what happened when you squeezed a human toad into a pink cardigan and gave her what seemed like a perpetual cough.

Gilderoy Lockhart immediately Floo-called his very expensive physician just in case something was wrong. Dolores Umbridge, the Batrachian Bitch, merely wiped her nose with a handkerchief and wondered who was talking smack about her behind her back, before deciding that it was the next person she found who disagreed with her…

* * *

Gordon Freeman wasn't sure what he hated most about Aperture Science. He didn't mind the mute babe in the orange jumpsuit: Chell was easy on the eyes, and having been on the receiving end of more than a few tasers over the years, he held back on the pick-up lines. She had the look of someone who wouldn't put up with too much cheesy crap.

Of course, the computer woman had a better rack (when she was in her gynoid body, anyway). But then again, she also had a shitload of crazy in her circuits. Then again, if you asked intelligent questions, she gave intelligent answers with a minimum of sarcasm, so GLaDOS had that going for her at least.

Then, there was Mr Schizophrenic, aka Douglas Rattmann. The guy who was a graffito who painted the walls with his crazy (though thankfully not with any of his bodily fluids). When he wasn't being more suspicious than Freeman at his most neurotic, he was a half-decent conversationalist, though he kept on posing questions to that Companion Cube thing, and getting answers from it. He called it Tetra.

One of the top contenders for the most hateful thing in Aperture was Wheatley. He was stupid, irritatingly cheerful (rather like Barney or Kleiner but with none of the charm), and made out that he understood more than he did. His one redeeming feature was that he was occasionally funny.

Another top contender was Cave Johnson, the former CEO. This was an impressive feat, considering he was a dead man. But Johnson's sloppy idea of what scientific experimentation entailed, coupled with his ego (between GLaDOS and Freeman himself, Aperture's capacity for ego was overflowing already), meant that Gordon turned the word 'Cave' into an expletive. Like 'Cavedammit!' Or 'Caving Hell!'

Of course, another top runner for the position of most hated thing about Aperture was, well, what they created. It should have been goddamn impossible to create the things they did, like a Portal Gun that had a miniaturised black hole sitting in the middle. A black hole. One that you carried in a gun without it eating, oh, the entire planet, with _you_ as an _amuse-bouche!_ The Gels were a little easier to believe, but artificial intelligences? Emancipation Fields? Modular rooms that could actually be constructed in less than a minute?!

At least that last thing was like a challenge to his intellect, in a good way. Well, on a good day, anyway. But one thing that was bothering him alongside those many other things was the fact that magic existed. Goddamned _magic_. Apparently the crazy computer was once a normal woman who had a niece who was a witch, and said niece had a son who was a wizard. He wouldn't have believed her, had she not locked him into a projection room playing footage of observations of the kid doing magic, as well as a monograph detailing GLaDOS' observations of her great-nephew. Including genetic work.

Still, good name for magic for scientific purposes. Will-based Transmogrification Force, or WTF. Summed up GLaDOS' thoughts on magic, and Freeman concurred.

Currently, his was poring over the monograph again, when GLaDOS' gynoid form walked in with a trolley with a covered shape that looked uncomfortably like a dead body. " _Would you like to blow something up?_ " she asked.

As far as conversation openers were concerned, there were far worse ones. Eventually, he said, "Sure. Is that a corpse?"

" _A corpse analogue, made from a variety of materials including ballistics gel, latex, and some spare organs and blood we had in one of the fridges_ ," GLaDOS said. " _I am currently conducting an investigation into the stupidity of wizards, and how easily they can be fooled._ "

"And how does a corpse analogue help that?"

" _Oh, I've completed most relevant parts of the investigation through computer simulation. This is more along the lines of stress relief. And Aperture Science has a number of clauses on stress relief. The Onanism Clause, the Office Relationship Clause, and the Blowing Shit Up Clause, amongst so many others. It is the last I am inviting you to join in on. Would you like to detonate the explosive?_ "

There was virtually no argument. Gordon merely asked, "Just one question: is it just a big red button, or can I push down a plunger?"

" _The plunger is available for the connoiseur._ "

"Then I would love to blow some shit up. Especially a corpse analogue. It should be spectacularly gory, though. I hope it is. Gordon wants big boom(2)."

" _Then we are in accord, Doctor Freeman. Once we are done, I will go about exonerating an innocent man._ "

"Oh yeah, Doctor Freeman's gonna get his record expunged!"

"… _I was talking about Harry's godfather._ "

* * *

Disappointing though that revelation was, it was a satisfying and gory explosion. Gordon Freeman was loathe to admit it, but he was beginning to enjoy himself at Aperture. Now, if only he could find a way to make that Office Relationship Clause work. Of course, he wasn't exactly spoiled for choice, between the crazy computer chick and the hot mute. But the Freeman could make this work, couldn't he?

 **CHAPTER 8 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **More Gordon and GLaDOS, with a bit of Harry and Hermione. BTW, I've decided that I am shipping Gordon with GLaDOS. This** ** _is_** **the Gordon Freeman from** ** _Freeman's Mind_** **: he's crazy enough to date GLaDOS.**

 **I've glossed over the troll incident because I thought, with both Harry and Hermione in Ravenclaw, nobody ended up anywhere near the damned thing, unlike in canon. After all, Hermione wouldn't have been paired up with Ron, blah blah blah…**

 **Anyway, next chapter, Christmas! That chapter will be part of the Christmas update, and the only Christmas-themed chapter in the lot.**

 **Review-answering time!** **foxchick1** **: I loved how he screamed that line during the faux-trailer for** ** _Freeman Across the Universe_** **, and I thought the fainting would be great for comic effect.**

 **davidteague3950** **: The complaints line was something I made up, but based on Cave Johnson's obsession with lemons, burning or otherwise. And yes, I found the portrait of Cave and Caroline. Got the achievement to boot. That being said, in canon, GLaDOS is pretty bloody crazy and pretty evil. It's just that** ** _Portal 2_** **added some depth to her, and in this version of events, while her morality is loose as hell, she still actually has some. I do love** ** _Want You Gone_** **, and there's a video of Ellen McLain singing a song originally intended for** ** _Portal 2_** **(accompanied on guitar by her husband, John Patrick 'Wave goodbye to yer head, wanker!' Lowrie, aka the Sniper from** ** _Team Fortress 2_** **), called** ** _Don't Say Goodbye_** **. An enterprising fan has even done a YouTube video of the song with electronic processing to make it sound like GLaDOS is singing. Harry101UK did it (and has done a lot of really funny** ** _Portal_** **music videos). And you're probably right about GLaDOS' reaction to Animagi.**

 **1\. An infamous character in the backstory of many of Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels, known for making things that don't work as they should on paper. Like an explosive from sand and water, an oversized beehive later used as a pigeon coop, and an ornamental trout lake 140 metres long, but** ** _one inch wide_** **.**

 **2\. A reference to Jamie Hyneman's utterance in one of the earliest episodes of** ** _MythBusters_** **, which has also blown up human body analogues.**


	10. Chapter 9: Is That a Cloaking Cloak?

**CHAPTER 9:**

 **IS THIS A CLOAKING CLOAK?!**

The time leading up to Christmas wasn't very eventful, well, save for a moment at their first Quidditch match where the Bludgers went berserk, and tried to hit Harry. Harry would have marked that down as an accident, but even so, he couldn't help but mark the feeling that someone was out to get him. Well, Malfoy was, but Harry was pretty sure that diddling with Bludgers wasn't his style.

Had he voiced his suspicions to any of the staff, he probably would have been compared, unfavourably, to a certain Alastor Moody, an Auror given the _nom de guerre_ of 'Mad Eye'. Instead, he kept them to himself, and Hermione, who was something of his sounding board. She did think that, unless something further happened, it was coincidence.

It was a relatively minor something, anyway. There was some excitement in the Wizarding World, about Sirius Black apparently being given a re-trial. It was being done very hush-hush. GLaDOS had mentioned having something to do with that, but would say no more.

With GLaDOS' okay, Harry got Hermione an instruction manual for the Portal Gun, along with a signed paper by Gordon Freeman. It was on exotic matter states, and was signed, _From the depths of insanity to one of my top fans, yours sincerely, Doctor Gordon Freeman_. Cho Chang and Marietta Edgecomb got copies of the 'official' history of Aperture, as they had been intrigued by the facility. For Ron, after learning that he enjoyed playing chess, Harry got him a book on similar games like fairy chess, shogi, and go. And for Neville, he got a special edition Herbology text. The twins got a hologram projector and an instruction manual, custom-written by GLaDOS to show how to cause pranks with it. Harry got something similar not as a present, but as a request from GLaDOS to ask Dumbledore if he could do this during the feast.

Harry bought a packet of sherbet lemons for Dumbledore, a statue of a dragon for Hagrid, and a badge for each of the four House Heads, each with a hologram of the House coat of arms on them (the sort of flat hologram you got in credit cards). The statue and hologram badges were created in Aperture by GLaDOS for Harry to give to them. He even, as an attempt to offer Draco Malfoy an olive branch of sorts, obtained a framed poster of the Draco constellation, with some astronomy facts. Apparently the Space Core helped with that one. Time would tell whether Draco accepted it.

On Christmas Day, Harry woke up early in the morning to find a small pile of presents waiting for him. The first was from Hagrid, a crudely carved wooden flute. Another was from Mrs Weasley, a home-made jumper and fudge. Hermione had gotten him a box of Chocolate Frogs…and a book called _Rivals: Conflict as the Fuel of Science_ by Michael White(1). Ron had given him an old copy of _Quidditch Through the Ages_ , and while Harry didn't have much interest in playing the sport (what could compare to the thrills of completing test chambers in Aperture?), learning its history was another matter.

There was a card from GLaDOS, who said that her Christmas present would arrive in the evening. Chell and Wheatley sent cards as well, with the mute woman sending him the latest Discworld book (Harry enjoyed those), and Wheatley saying he had ordered a video that would be waiting for Harry when he came back to Aperture. Rattmann had sent a bizarre but still excellent painting of Harry as a wizard. Even Freeman got in on the act, sending a card that stated a copy of _The Matrix_ would be waiting for him back at home.

The final gift was the really odd one. It was a shapeless, silvery mass of cloth, with a note, which read:

 _Your father left this in my possession before he died. It is time it was returned to you. Use it well. And try not to let your great-aunt damage it in her zeal to understand how it works._

 _A very Merry Christmas to you_.

The writing was loopy, and Harry hadn't seen it before, he was sure. He experimentally draped it around himself, and happened to look in the mirror. He very nearly screamed when he saw part of himself had become invisible. Then, an impish smirk came over his features…

* * *

Hermione, who was reading the Portal Gun instruction manual in an armchair, yelped when Harry suddenly revealed himself in front of her. "Harry, don't do that! Anyway, how did you do that?!"

"Some sort of cloaking…cloak?" Harry said.

"An Invisibility Cloak?" Hermione looked at the cloth pooled around Harry's feet. "May I see?"

Harry nodded, and handed it over. "I don't know who it's from, but they said it was my father's."

"These are expensive enough and rare enough, but they also tend to fade over time, from what I've read. If your father had it, it must be one of the best quality Invisibility Cloaks," Hermione said, looking at the silvery material. "And it only goes invisible if someone is wearing it. Makes sense, I suppose. What's the point of an Invisibility Cloak if it's invisible when you're not wearing it? You'd never be able to find it otherwise." She nodded at her book and paper. "By the way, thanks for the presents."

"Thank you for yours. I had a quick flick through that book. I think I'll be interested in it. Did your parents get it for you?"

"Yes. I have a copy of it myself, bought it just before I came to Hogwarts, but I thought you'd like it. You can send some parcels by owl post. By the way, what did GLaDOS send you?"

"A holo-projector, and a request for Professor Dumbledore. He agreed to it, because he thought it'd be amusing. She says that I'll be getting my present later. I think Dumbledore may be in on it: his eyes seemed to be twinkling more than usual, though Snape was a bit sour. Well, more than usual. By the way, how does it feel to have a signed paper from Gordon Freeman?"

"Great!" She hugged Harry. "Thanks, Harry! You know, I'm glad we're both in Ravenclaw. Okay, you're a bit weird, and your great-aunt is an A.I, but you know, you're the best friend I've had for a long time."

"Haven't you had many?"

"Not for a while. I…might have been bossy with too many of them. And those who did want to be with me…well, they were more interested in picking my brains or copying my homework. The few friends I had, I lost touch with when I changed schools. But here, I have you, Cho, Marietta, and I guess Ron and Neville. Plus, you may be a little crazy, but it's an interesting kind of crazy."

"Umm, thanks, I guess?"

* * *

Freeman scowled slightly. He had asked the mute chick to give him a kiss under the mistletoe, but she had blown him off. Rejected by a mute babe. Then again, at least she didn't slap him or tase him. So there was that.

So he had gone to find the nearest bar (Aperture had its own bar, albeit far away from any of the labs), when he encountered the crazy computer babe in her gynoid body. " _I noticed that you managed to fail to engage in any kind of intimate activity with Chell._ "

"How did you…?"

" _Security camera. I am linked to all of those in facility. And yes, I know where your oxycodone stash is. I am taking a break from marshalling the festive entertainment we are going to be giving Hogwarts. As I am CEO, Human Resources Manager and Chief Research Supervisor of Aperture Science, I make it my mission to make sure my employees are as healthy as possible._ "

"GLaDOS, I dunno whether you've noticed, but you're not doing a great job of that. Rattmann's a paranoid schizophrenic, Chell's a mute, and you…well, you're an admitted mad scientist in the form of a freaking gynoid! Cave Johnson had delusions of grandeur, not to mention delusions of scientific ability, and that was long before he suffered from silicosis from lunar regolith!"

" _And you are the paragon of mental and/or physical health, Doctor Freeman?_ " GLaDOS asked, raising an eyebrow. " _You are a prescription drugs addict with unhealthy levels of paranoia, delusions of grandeur, anger management issues, and narcissism. As it is, you fit in_ _ **very**_ _well here._ "

Freeman was about to protest against her unfairly accurate assessment, when he saw she was holding something in her left hand. "Why are you holding a sprig of mistletoe?"

" _I intend to feed you the berries one by one and note down what happens as you succumb to viscumin poisoning(_ _2)_ _. [SARCASTIC LIE SUBROUTINE TEST COMPLETED] What did you think I was intending?_ "

"…You want to kiss me?"

" _Good to see that the PhD from MIT didn't go to waste_ ," GLaDOS observed drily.

"…Why?"

" _Boredom. Curiosity. And the fact that I miss the pleasures of the flesh. Believe me, you wouldn't believe the amount of time I spent upgrading this body so that intimate relations were possible. Then again, as Caroline, I didn't really get much in the way of physical intimacy. Even Cave Johnson only loved me platonically, and he warned other people away from me, saying I was married to Science. In a way, that was true. I was so busy and focused, I simply didn't engage in that, and when Harry came along, I just looked after him like any great-aunt should. Anyway, I want to do a test by kissing. I thought the occasion appropriate. Yuletide. Mistletoe. A moderately sane and intelligent person who finds me moderately attractive._ "

The internal debate Gordon engaged with was brief. On the one hand, he was being offered a kiss by a crazy computer. On the other hand, he was being offered a kiss by a hot robot babe. The 'hot robot babe' argument won out, and he said, with a faux-resigned air that barely concealed his enthusiasm, "Okay, let's give it a whirl."

Seconds later, he was bending over, spitting out the contents of his mouth, while GLaDOS muttered, " _Note to self: find oral lubricant that isn't mildly poisonous and bitter-tasting…_ "

* * *

At Hogwarts, the Christmas Feast was underway. Harry and Hermione had spent the afternoon in a snowball fight against Ron, the twins, and Neville, with Neville fighting with Harry and Hermione against the Weasleys. Ron had noticed that his rat had gone AWOL, but didn't think much of it. Now, they were enjoying the meal, though Harry was quite bemused at how Dumbledore seemed to be enjoying wearing a flowery bonnet he got from a wizarding Christmas cracker.

The Heads of the Houses seem to have taken to his gifts, each of them displaying the holographic badges on their robes, even Snape. Flitwick had taken Harry aside earlier that day, and asked how the holograms were made. Harry only knew in general terms, but the diminutive man was fascinated nonetheless. Even Draco briefly approached Harry, and thanked him, albeit rather curtly, for the present. Whether it led to any kind of truce remained to be seen.

It was shortly after the pudding, though, that GLaDOS' gift was made apparent. A hologram of the gynoid form of GLaDOS was projected from the holoprojector, with the Turret Choir at the ready.

"Ahem, if I may have your attention, please?" Dumbledore asked. "Miss Gladys Johnson of Aperture Science has asked to provide some singing from her choir. May I present to you, all the way from the United States of America, Miss Gladys Johnson and her Choir."

" _Thank you, Professor Dumbledore_ ," GLaDOS' lilting tone came from the holoprojector. She was dressed in a rather elegant dress, rather than her habitual form-fitting bodysuit.

GLaDOS had quite the singing voice, actually. And so too did the Turret Choir. They made their way through _Jingle Bells, Jingle Bell Rock, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Deck the Halls_ , and _Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer_. And then, they did one last song. _I'll Be Home For Christmas_.

As the last chords of the song faded away, the door to the Great Hall opened, and a robed, hooded figure stepped through. GLaDOS then said, " _This message is to my great-nephew, Harry Evans. Merry Christmas. Here is your present. I hope you enjoy it._ "

Snape groaned as the hooded and robed figure took off the hood, revealing a man with black hair and grey eyes. He looked pale, and wan, and like he had been through hell. Dumbledore stood, and announced to the Great Hall, "Recently, it has come to light that someone who was supposed to be one of our greatest heroes was thought to be one of its greatest villains on shaky evidence. Thanks to the efforts of Miss Johnson, he has been exonerated. It is my very great pleasure to introduce you to Mr Sirius Black, once thought to be the man who betrayed the Potters, now proven innocent."

Harry gaped at the man who was his godfather. He couldn't say this was the best Christmas present ever (it would be hard to compete with that time GLaDOS let him design his own test chamber and play in it), but it was pretty damned close. He got up from his seat, and ran towards Sirius, and hugged him. Sirius chuckled, a little weakly, and there was even some applause at the reunion.

It wasn't the best Christmas ever…but it was one of the very best Harry had ever had. That was without doubt…

 **CHAPTER 9 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, Sirius is free, Harry has the Invisibility Cloak, and Freeman and GLaDOS' budding romance hits a stumbling block.**

 **I put in a brief hint, but Pettigrew's in custody, and we'll discuss more about how Sirius was freed in the next chapter. Anyway, this chapter is amongst the Christmas update, and it's the only one with a Christmas theme. Hope you enjoy.**

 **Review-answering time!** **Uchiha Rai** **: I'm glad you enjoyed** ** _Freeman's Mind_** **. It's hilarious, isn't it?**

 **TehUnoman** **: Buggered if I know. A shame, really.**

 **1\. This is a real book, published in 2001 (the year in which this chapter is set), and it's a bloody good read. It's one of my personal favourite science books.**

 **2\. Viscumin is the toxin in European mistletoe, and is chemically related to ricin.**


	11. Chapter 10: Why So Sirius?

**CHAPTER 10:**

 **WHY SO SIRIUS?**

Sirius Black was still not sure whether this was real, or some hallucination induced by a decade's worth of exposure to Dementors. He had been released from prison, that rat Pettigrew had been caught, and Dumbledore was apologising ridiculously profusely. Oh, and his godson was in the care of a mostly-insane computer who used humans as lab rats. Said computer, using a frankly smoking hot robot body, had been the one to actually start asking the questions that led to his release, questions that Barty Crouch Senior would doubtless be feeling very embarrassed by.

Still, he could see the funny side. Barty Crouch Senior got owned (GLaDOS's words, not his), a lot of wizards had to eat an entire banquet's worth of humble pie, and Moony was making overtures to being his friend again. Sirius was willing to forgive Remus: the werewolf had been suspected of being the spy as well. It would be far longer before he could forgive Dumbledore. The old fool should have known better. But even the wisest man can fall prey to suspicion and prejudice, something Dumbledore wholeheartedly admitted.

It was Boxing Day, and Sirius had been allowed to stay in the guest quarters of Hogwarts. It had been a whirlwind couple of days, and while he would have to go back to St Mungo's for further Dementor exposure-treatment (paid for out of the Ministry's pocket, and rightly so!), he had been declared safe to come here, as long as he was being supervised.

Sadly, his chaperone for the day was Snivellous, though at least a détente of sorts had been established between the two men. It seemed that Harry had managed to get on Snivellous' good side, and considering that Harry was the son of James Potter, one of the many people on Snivellous' shitlist, it was an impressive feat. It probably helped that Harry was in Ravenclaw and not in Gryffindor, and had Lily's eyes.

As they walked to the Great Hall, Snivellous said, "I swear that Potter is at times as insane as his great-aunt. One cannot deny his intelligence, though, any more than you can deny hers. At least he makes a refreshing change from the dunderheads I usually have to teach. He and the Granger girl will certainly go far, although the Granger girl's prospects in our world with the premium placed on blood purity is in doubt."

"Hey, Lily managed to get into the Unspeakables," Sirius said. "If this Granger girl is anything like Lily, they'd snap her right up."

"True," Snivellous said. And there was another possible sign that the universe was edging towards insanity: Severus Snape, albeit grudgingly, agreeing with Sirius Black! "I wonder what the Department of Mysteries would make of Aperture Science? I daresay they would find it both insane and intriguing."

"They'd find any dangerous place intriguing. I'm sure if they thought there was something new to learn about Dementors, they'd send a bunch of Unspeakables to Azkaban." Sirius shook his head.

The look Snivellous shot him strongly suggested that he would prefer it if Sirius was still in Azkaban.

They soon made it to the Great Hall, where Harry and Hermione were having breakfast at the Ravenclaw table. Sirius, meanwhile, was escorted to the Head Table, and sat between Flitwick and McGonagall. "Sirius, I'm sorry for…" McGonagall began.

"Save it, for the moment," Sirius said. "All that matters is that I'm out now. Nobody believed me then. Nobody gave me the chance to be believed." There was no actual bitterness in his tone, just a sort of hollowness.

"We failed you," McGonagall said. It was more of a statement of fact than anything else.

"Yeah. It took a half-crazy Muggle computer to figure it out," Sirius said. The laughter that wormed from his mouth was bitter. "Irony abounds."

"What were you thinking of doing once you've finished your treatment?" Flitwick asked, trying to change the subject a little.

"Well, I think my priority is to make sure Harry's all right. I mean, he seems pretty good, so GLaDOS must've done something right. But I want to be a part of his life if I can. And I want to catch up with Moony, mend bridges and all that. Beyond that, I have no idea." He looked down at his plate, and began to eat. After swallowing the first mouthful (which was the best food he had had in a long time), he said, "For all of it sounding dangerous, Aperture actually sounds interesting. And GLaDOS did give me a standing offer to join Aperture. She's researching magic, or Will-based Transmogrification Force as she calls it." His mood lightening a little, he then said to McGonagall, "By the way, Sniv…I mean, Snape said that the Marauders have some successors here, in Gryffindor of all things."

"Yes," McGonagall said, her lips pursing in disapproval. "Fred and George Weasley. Can I ask that you don't encourage them? I have enough grey hairs as it is."

Sirius merely grinned at her in a way that was meant to be the complete opposite of assuring.

* * *

Fred and George Weasley suddenly felt some strange sensation. As if God or Merlin or some deity or legendary being had suddenly come amongst the students, and said being had their attention on the Weasley twins. And with it was the feeling they were about to have a wonderful experience.

As one, they turned to face the Head Table, and found themselves meeting the eyes of Sirius Black, who was grinning.

"Forge, why do I get the feeling we will be bowing to Mr Black before long?"

"I dunno, Gred. Maybe we should have taken Divination after all…"

* * *

"WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!"

Harry and Hermione had their heads on the table, laughing and thumping the table at the bizarre sight of Fred and George Weasley bowing down before Sirius Black. Funnily enough, Sirius had gone up to them and whispered something, which he would later say was " _I solemnly swear I'm up to no good_ ". He then told them he was Padfoot. Neither Harry nor Hermione understood exactly what that meant, but the Weasley twins' actions were funny, even when taken out of context.

"So, why did the Weasley twins act that way towards you?" Harry asked Sirius when breakfast had finished.

"Your father and I, along with two others, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew," (Harry didn't fail to notice that Sirius Black spat that last name out like someone would spit out a particularly vile-tasting lump of food), "were part of a merry band of pranksters known as the Marauders. As it turned out, they happened to have one of the old magical artifacts we created back in our schooldays. They agreed to let you have a look at it later, as it's part of your legacy. I told their younger brother I'd get them an owl as an apology for losing his rat." On their looks, Sirius explained, "Pettigrew was a Rat Animagus."

Hermione's eyes widened. "And he's been the Weasley's pet for all this time?"

"Since he framed me. Magical rats live for quite a while longer than normal ones, so it wasn't that strange. When GLaDOS managed to get me to speak to Amelia Bones and Dumbledore, it was Dumbledore who remembered a rat with a missing toe. GLaDOS had also seen him, in pictures you sent home of Ron, Harry. They had McGonagall test him discreetly, and confirmed he was a rat Animagus. McGonagall managed to get a hold of Pettigrew just before Christmas Eve via Percy Weasley, and now, he's in a special Animagus-proof cell in the DMLE. Bones had Fudge order my immediate release. I'll have to go back to St Mungo's, but when I first went to them, they were amazed that I wasn't affected as badly as someone who's been in Azkaban for as long as I have."

Harry nodded, but darkly attractive images in his mind of Pettigrew being subjected to a number of the more lethal tests sprang to mind. "I wonder if GLaDOS will petition to have Pettigrew made into a 'special' test subject," Harry muttered darkly.

Sirius looked at Harry, before nodding. "In exchange for my helping point out a few security flaws in Azkaban(1), Amelia Bones is considering letting GLaDOS have him. She's also invited me to Aperture. Frankly, I'm considering it. Hell, I'm considering using some of the family fortune to fund it. That'd make my mother turn in her grave, to fund a Muggle organisation!"

"Was she a blood purist?" Harry asked.

"Well, she was no Death Eater, but she followed their views. And she was pleased when my little brother Regulus joined Voldemort." Sirius shook his head. "But enough about her, what about you? How's the life of my godson been?"

Harry laughed. Where could he begin?

* * *

Thankfully for Gordon Freeman, the mildly poisonous oral lubricant GLaDOS used was easily dealt with, with some mouthwash and a couple of pills. He was mildly disconcerted to find that his urine was purple for a time, but he had left micturition of stranger colours in the toilet before, usually after a binge (like that time in Austria, where he had woken up naked and had to fashion crude clothing out of garbage bags(2)). And thankfully, it hadn't interacted with the alcohol he drank last night.

He found GLaDOS' gynoid body, that damned annoying blue-ball…wait, scratch that title, blue-eyed ball Wheatley, and the schizo Rattmann in one of the laboratories. They were working on a tank of some kind. Well, GLaDOS' construction apparatus were, under her supervision, while Rattmann looked on pensively, and Wheatley offered his usual nuggets of dubious wisdom.

"…So, what you're saying is, that we may not just have a Rattmann, but a Rat Man here?" Wheatley asked. "I…I dunno whether you should have them in close proximity. Just in case the universe collapses on itself or something."

Rattmann groaned. "We're not talking about the Blinovitch Limitation Effect here!(3)"

" _I do hope that that was one of your attempts at humour, little ball_ ," GLaDOS said with a roll of her eyes.

"Um, yes, yes it was! It was all a big joke. Eh heh heh heh…" Wheatley said, his tone and choice of words suggesting otherwise.

" _Good. That was one of your better ones. Another one would be, 'what starts with 'W' and will be writhing in pain if he says the wrong thing'?_ " GLaDOS then turned to Gordon. " _Ah, Doctor Freeman. Soon, we will have a new lab rat to play with, somewhat literally, part of the time._ "

"Sorry, what? I feel like I just came in in the middle of a lecture," Gordon said.

" _Not exactly. At the moment, it was more at the 'Inane Small Talk Over Coffee' level_ ," GLaDOS replied. " _We are currently in negotiations with the wizards to retain the services of one Peter Pettigrew, aka Wormtail, aka Scabbers, as a test subject. Pettigrew was the betrayer of Harry's parents, and had framed Sirius Black for the crime. While this is more than enough for him to receive the Kiss, I have asked for him to be brought into my custody._ "

"The Kiss? Are we talking Mafia-style kiss of death? Wizards are weird. Is it on the cheeks, or are we talking tongue?"

" _We're talking about the soul being sucked from the body by a hideous monster, leaving the body a virtually brain-dead shell. Capable of breathing, urinating, and defecating, but little else. So, not much different from the rest of the human species._ "

"Wait, wait, wait, rewind a little. Did you just say the soul sucked from his body?"

" _Your powers of short-term memory and listening do you credit, Doctor Freeman,_ " GLaDOS said dryly. " _However, the Minister for Magic, as well as Madam Amelia Bones of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, are considering acceding to my request that he be sent to me. He will become a test subject in very specific areas of study involving Will-based Transmogrification Force, namely those involving transforming into an animal. He can change form into a rather pathetic specimen of_ Rattus norvegicus, _better known as the Brown Rat. Wizards and witches who can turn into animals are known as Animagi. From Harry's remarks, his Transfiguration teacher is a Cat Animagus, and Mr Black has admitted he can turn into a massive dog that resembles a Grim, a bad omen in Magical Britain. If I do receive him, he will be placed in this tank, and I will try to induce his transformation, and monitor it._ "

"Wow. Should I feel sorry for him?"

" _He betrayed two of his closest friends to their deaths, by all accounts, and condemned a third to prison with monster guards who suck the life and happiness from their surroundings more than the average corporate manager._ "

"…I guess that's a no, right?"

 **CHAPTER 10 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Sorry for the long wait for another update. Inspiration was lacking since the Christmas update. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the above.**

 **Review-answering time!** **perfectshade** **: It may be to a degree, but I'm commenting more on the slapdash nature of what Aperture did, especially under Cave Johnson. As for the romance, well, it's an unconventional one between GLaDOS and Freeman, and is played more for laughs than anything else (I think, in retrospect, GLaDOS was basically like Asuka when she kissed Shinji for the first time in** ** _Neon Genesis Evangelion_** **: she does it out of boredom, and, well, it goes wrong). I do intend to ship Sirius with Chell, but that'll happen later on. Glad you enjoy it.**

 **davidteague3950** **: Ricin is not an element. And that selenium/arsenic thing is, AFAIK, just confined to the movie** ** _Evolution_** **.**

 **Have a Little Feith** **: I sort of knew about them partly thanks to** ** _South Park_** **(which I watched years ago), and partly because something like an electrolarynx was used for the Cybermen's voices in** ** _Doctor Who_** **for a few stories. One of the most bizarre and sad things I ever saw was Michael Moore (for his series** ** _The Awful Truth_** **) assembling a choir of people who needed electrolarynxes due to smoking-related illnesses, and he brought them outside either some tobacco company or health organisation or company, and had them sing Christmas carols.**

 **Zekedavis** **: Heh heh heh. Yeah. Still, having them sing carols is probably novel…**

 **Celestia's Paladin** **: I'm not an American, so I'm not up with the finer points American geography, though frankly, in retrospect, it was a pretty stupid error. Anyway, reality, to quote Douglas Adams, is frequently inaccurate. In-story? Illinois claimed Aperture as part of its state, hoping to get some of that revenue. Michigan allowed it so that Illinois would get the liability and lawsuits.**

 **Princess Asuna** **: Well, here's the update. Don't beg me for another one, please, as refusal may offend. Glad that you like it, though.**

 **1\. It may not be made clearer later on in the story, but Sirius is telling Amelia about the fact that the Dementors couldn't sense him as much in his animal form.**

 **2\. As mentioned in Episode 35 of** ** _Freeman's Mind_** **. A mostly-amnesiac post-beatdown Gordon believes that waking up in the trash compactor is actually better than Austria.**

 **3\. A law or set of laws of time and space in** ** _Doctor Who_** **. Amongst other things, when two versions of the same person from different points in their life meet, there's the possibility of an energy discharge, shown spectacularly in** ** _Mawdryn Undead_** **, when two versions of the Brigadier meet. The resulting explosion gives the younger version amnesia, and knocks them both out (as well as saving the Doctor's life accidentally).**


	12. Chapter 11: Who's Nicholas Flamel?

**CHAPTER 11:**

 **WHO'S NICHOLAS FLAMEL?**

Being of the adventurous type, shortly after Sirius Black returned to St Mungo's, and relative sanity had descended on Hogwarts, Harry decided to take the Invisibility Cloak out for a spin, late one night just before New Year's Eve. He didn't tell Hermione: while they loved discussing scientific research, Hermione was also very much a stickler for the rules. In Aperture, however, rules were made to be not broken, but rather, immersed in liquid nitrogen and then shattered with a bat of some kind. A cricket bat seemed most likely: it had a nice flat surface that, when wielded right (albeit in contravention to the manifold and incomprehensible rules of cricket), came down on something like the hammer of God. Though the Beater's Bat in Quidditch certainly had a nice heft to it, like a baseball bat, only with more potential for personal injury.

His first port of call was to the infamous sealed corridor Dumbledore had announced at the start of the year. It was locked, but a simple _Alohamora_ spell fixed that, and he peeked inside. He resisted the urge to whistle in impressment until after he had closed and locked the door again. They had a Cerberus! What a fascinating creature. A three-headed dog. He was willing to bet money on the fact that Hagrid had something to do with the dog: during his meetings with the man, Harry knew that he had a fascination with dangerous creatures in the same way that GLaDOS had a fascination with dangerous testing. Hagrid really wanted a dragon. So did GLaDOS, once she realised they existed. Indeed, she had asked Harry to ask Ron for contact details for his brother Charlie. So far, they were in the middle of serious negotiations. Unlike Hagrid, GLaDOS had money, a facility that could contain a dragon easily, and an appreciation of the dangers of raising a dragon. Most of the negotiations were to do with importing a dragon into the United States covertly, no mean feat, especially as the recent terrorist attacks on September 11(1) closed down many ways (most of them mundane) the wizards used to ferry goods covertly between countries.

In any case, Harry knew he would not be returning to the Cerberus anytime soon. Not unless he had some meat or something. He did notice one thing, though. The Cerberus was practically on top of a trapdoor or hatch of some kind. And Harry wouldn't be surprised if said trapdoor led to something that was being guarded. But what?

He decided, on a whim, to head to the library, wondering whether he could get into the Restricted Section. But along the way, he noticed a classroom with the door ajar. Curiosity led him to enter the room, and he found that the desks and chairs had been cleared away. Standing prominently in the middle was an ornate mirror, with a strange inscription at the top: _Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi_. Gibberish, and yet, something about those words, those letters, meant something to him.

He looked in the mirror, and saw his reflection surrounded by his family and friends. Hermione, Ron, Neville, Marietta, Cho, the Weasley twins, and there was GLaDOS, Chell, Rattmann, Wheatley, Atlas, P-Body, Sirius…

And Harry was holding up some new invention or other, one he was sure would have been the pinnacle of everything Aperture had ever invented.

He blinked, then looked at the inscription again. 'Erised'…wasn't that 'desire' spelt backwards? Out loud, quietly, he muttered, as he reversed the letters and put them back into coherent words, " _I show…not…your face…but your…heart's desire._ "

"Indeed."

The sudden voice from behind him caused Harry to leap into the air before whirling to face the source of the voice. Harry suppressed a yelp of fright with difficulty, but he was probably in enough trouble as it was already. There, sitting on an upturned bin like it was a stool was Dumbledore. Harry could have sworn that corner was empty when he came in, but then, he remembered that there were other ways of becoming invisible than just the Invisibility Cloak. Like Disillusionment Charms.

"Professor Dumbledore," Harry said. Then, after a moment, he added, "Must be boring, sitting there, waiting for people to look into the mirror."

Dumbledore pulled out a printed sheaf of papers. "I have reading material, and these glasses help me read in the dark without any strain, if need be. This is one of your great-aunt's monographs on magic, derived from observations and experiments on you. It makes fascinating reading, though I have the feeling these are based on the more benign experiments. In any case, it seems that you, like so many others, have discovered the delights of the Mirror of Erised."

"Dubious delights," Harry said. "It basically shows you what you desire most, as an illusion, doesn't it?"

Dumbledore nodded sagely, walking over to the Mirror of Erised. "Indeed. The most content and happy man in the world would see only himself in the mirror. It shows the deepest, most desperate desire of your heart. I saw your desire, actually. So close to what reality is. You desire family and friends, and to achieve great things."

"It's still not very nice. All those illusions…"

"True enough. The Mirror gives neither knowledge nor truth. At best, it may give you insight. But many a man has wasted away before it, entranced by what they see, or else driven mad, unable to discern whether it is reality or possibility. As you don't seem to like the Mirror, you'd be pleased to know it will be moved to a new home. I know you don't want to seek it out, but I would ask that you don't regardless. At least now you are prepared, should you ever come across it again. It does not do to dwell on dreams, and thus forget to live. Now, why don't you put that admirable Cloak back on, and head off back to bed?"

Harry nodded, before he frowned. "Did you give me the Cloak?"

Dumbledore nodded. "Indeed. Your father, James Potter, gave it to me to help with saving those attacked by Voldemort and his followers, the Death Eaters. As your family and their hideout was under the Fidelius Charm, we thought it unnecessary for him to keep it for the time being. Sadly, we were gravely mistaken. Even I was fooled by what Pettigrew did, and in my grief for your parents' demise, I failed to look deeply enough into what happened when Sirius Black confronted Pettigrew. Even someone proclaimed to be as wise as I can fall prey to prejudice and foolishness," he concluded sadly. "The Cloak belongs to you now. Your father would have wanted you to have it. But try not to get into trouble with it, hmm?"

Harry nodded solemnly. "Oh, and one last question? I'm sorry if it's a bit personal, but what do you see in the Mirror?"

"I see myself holding a pair of thick woollen socks. One can never have enough socks, and yet, Christmas has come and gone, and yet, I have not received a single sock. People insist on giving me books."

Harry looked askance at his Headmaster, before saying, "Nothing wrong with a good book, sir."

"Not at all, and I thank you for your gift of sherbet lemons as well," Dumbledore said with a smile. "My supply was running a little low."

Harry nodded, but as he bid farewell to Dumbledore, and snuck back to the Ravenclaw dorms, he had the feeling that Dumbledore had not told the truth. It was a personal question, but even so, something about Dumbledore's rather facile answer rankled with Harry. Whose deepest desire would be socks, after all?

* * *

In Malfoy Manor, Dobby sneezed, and wished that his master, Lucius Malfoy, would give him socks in order to free him…

* * *

It wasn't long afterwards that Harry, quite by accident, learned a clue as to what the Cerberus was guarding. He, Hermione, Ron and Neville had gone to Hagrid's home to talk and have tea. After a while, Harry bought up the subject of other animals that Hagrid took care of other than Fang, his massive boarhound.

"Ah, well, there's the Hippogriffs, proud beasties they are," Hagrid said. "And then, there's the Thestrals…"

Harry frowned, having read about them. "Those are those horse-like creatures you only see if you've seen and comprehended the death of someone, right?"

Hagrid nodded. "We have the Thestrals pull the carriages up t' the school fer everyone but the firsties. And then there's Fluffy…bought him off a Greek chappy."

"What sort of animal is he?" Harry prompted.

"Oh, he's a Cerberus. Got him guardin' the…" Hagrid then stopped himself. "Never mind 'bout that. Nothin' for you kids to worry about. That's between me, Dumbledore, and Nicholas Flamel." He then winced as he realised what he had said.

Harry managed to keep quiet about the matter to Hagrid, but as they left, he and Hermione resolved to research Nicholas Flamel, if only out of curiosity. Both of them were pretty sure they had heard the name somewhere before, and it was when they went to the library that Harry realised where.

* * *

Hermione facepalmed in annoyance as Harry brought the heavy book on alchemy over to the reading table in the library. "Of course. I was going to read this book. I've read some texts on alchemy before I came to Hogwarts."

Harry nodded, opening the book. "I got some texts myself, a few for GLaDOS, when we first went to Diagon Alley. Actually, I think she was curious about corresponding with Flamel, if only to find out how immortal he really was."

"Considering he's the only known creator of the Philosopher's Stone, it's not surprising," Hermione said, peering at the book. "It can transmute any metal into gold, and create the Elixir of Life. Immortality in a bottle."

Harry frowned. Transmuting metals into gold wasn't that impressive nowadays, as you could do that, to a degree, with a nuclear reactor(2), though you could only do it with mercury or platinum, another valuable metal. Immortality was more impressive, in his opinion, especially as gold transmutation would screw up the economy if abused. "So what would Flamel have at Hogwarts? What would he trust Dumbledore with? The Stone itself? A stash of Elixir? And Fluffy the Cerberus can't be the only protection." After a moment, Harry quietly confided in Hermione, who looked scandalised that Harry had broken the rules. However, he pointed out that, once he saw what was behind the forbidden door, he had left it, and locked it behind him. He may have had an unusual sense of what risk entailed, having grown up in Aperture, but even in Aperture, tests were never undertaken without the right tools used to overcome them, and it was merely curiosity that had led him there.

Mollified a little, Hermione speculated, "They must've used an Expansion Charm or something on the rooms below, so that it wouldn't impinge on the second floor. And if it is something valuable like the Stone, it'd have multiple protections."

"Yeah, but why not store it at Gringotts?" Harry said. "Professor McGonagall said Gringotts was one of the safest places in all of Magical Britain, and only Hogwarts, with all its wards and things, rivalled it."

"Remember that newspaper article?" Hermione pointed out. "When we first met Hagrid for tea, he had a clipping of that break-in at Gringotts. Someone clearly wanted something desperately enough to try and break in. And why would Hagrid have such a newspaper clipping? It's a bit too coincidental, really."

"Then it may very well be the Stone," Harry muttered. "Which begs the question, why bring it to Hogwarts?" After a moment, he thought of something. He fished around in his pocket for his spare Chocolate Frog Cards, which he kept on him in case he found someone to swap them with. One of them was Dumbledore, and when he looked at the info on the back, he said, "Well, there's a link here. Dumbledore and Flamel, according to this card, are friends. So Flamel must trust Dumbledore to some degree." Harry shook his head, tapping the book. "Flamel probably trusts Dumbledore enough to keep it safe here. Or maybe there's something else going on. I don't know. What did Sherlock Holmes say? Don't theorise ahead of the facts. If we see anyone acting suspicious, we'll just have to let Professor Flitwick or Dumbledore know."

Hermione nodded. "As long as you don't do anything to get us killed. Or worse, expelled."

"Hey, if you get expelled, we can have you do an internship at Aperture," Harry said with a grin. "You'll learn a lot while working there, I guarantee that!"

"Assuming I don't die," Hermione muttered forlornly.

"Hermione, being at the cutting edge of science is always dangerous," Harry said with a smile that was meant to be reassuring. Judging by the way Hermione shied away from him a little, she seemed to think it was more like that of a vampire about to go for her throat…

 **CHAPTER 11 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **I'm surprised at how quickly I managed to squeeze this one out. Whether you get another one before long, I dunno. Hope you liked it.**

 **This is apparently one of my most popular fanfics. In terms of C2s and favourites, it's second only to** ** _In Spite of Obstinate Men_** **, and third on the alerts list (below** ** _In Spite of Obstinate Men_** **and its sequel** ** _In Spite of Appearances_** **). Views-wise, it's fifth.**

 **As there aren't really any reviews I feel like answering, I will take a moment to pimp…I mean, tout some of my other fanfics, especially for those of you new to my fanfics, and who might want more. For those of you looking for a Harry Potter crossover like this one with some humour, try** ** _Newport Mage_** **(a crossover with** ** _Ghost in the Shell_** **, and which will be updated along with this story),** ** _Nitimur in Vetitum_** **(a crossover with** ** _Final Fantasy XII_** **), and** ** _Truth and Consequences_** **(a crossover with** ** _Fullmetal Alchemist_** **). For more potential Harry/Hermione, plus Harry getting adopted by another mad scientist who used to be human, try** ** _Henry Ashford and the Goblet of Fire_** **(a crossover with** ** _Resident Evil_** **). For more comedy (not Harry Potter-related), try** ** _Final Fantasy VI: The Abridged Series_** **,** ** _The UNIT Bulletin Board_** **(** ** _Doctor Who_** **'s classic series made zany), and my** ** _Borderlands_** **self-insert series** ** _The Ballad of Ricky and Angel_** **, which has two completed stories so far:** ** _Hooked on a Feeling_** **and** ** _You've Got to Hide Your Love Away_** **. All of the above are rated M, though.**

 **1\. Given that this is set in 2001/2002, it's not unreasonable to discuss 9/11 in passing, and mentioning one of the possible impacts on the Wizarding World. I'd imagine it was easier for wizards and witches to get things sent through prior to 9/11.**

 **2\. No, really, this is actually a thing. Admittedly, the gold would probably be radioactive, but it is possible to turn other metals into gold. Apparently one needs to use mercury or platinum, the latter of which is also a precious metal. Bismuth can also be used, but it's an extremely expensive process, more than normal nuclear transmutation. And, in an anecdote worthy of Aperture, upon realising that thorium changed into radium, Frederick Soddy shouted in surprise to Ernest Rutherford that radioactive decay was, effectively, transmutation. Upon which Rutherford snapped, "For Christ's sake, Soddy, don't call it** ** _transmutation_** **. They'll have our heads off as alchemists!" Ironically, turning gold into lead is easier through nuclear transmutation than the reverse.**


	13. Chapter 12: Who Is After The

**CHAPTER 12:**

 **WHO IS AFTER THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE?**

Despite his decision to not actually pursue the Stone, or at least not what was being guarded by Fluffy the Cerberus, Harry decided to make a list of possible suspects for anyone who'd want to steal the Stone. He did so partly as a diversion, something he could work on when tired of homework, something even he could be (but not, seemingly, Hermione, who seemed to be a homework masochist, for want of a better term).

Given his interest in something that could make people immortal, he facetiously put himself at the top of the list, followed by GLaDOS. However, he listed other people, mostly staff members, but also students. He used ROT13 as a basic cipher to prevent anyone from reading it(1). Then again, ROT13 was a pretty basic cipher by Ravenclaw standards, and he was sure more than a few here could potentially sight-read it, albeit in the higher year levels.

Firstly, Dumbledore. Harry wasn't convinced the man wanted to steal the Stone. Flamel and Dumbledore were known to be friends, after all. It was possible Dumbledore made a lot of noise protecting the Stone, true, while planning to use it for himself, but Harry wasn't quite sure of that. He was certain the old man had some sort of hidden agenda, but stealing the Stone wasn't it. In fact, the more and more Harry thought about it, the fact that the Stone was here rather than at Gringotts suggested that it may have been brought here as bait. But for whom?

Harry dismissed most of the House Heads, if only because of lack of evidence. McGonagall was a stickler for the rules, Harry knew Flitwick well enough to reckon that gold and immortality didn't interest him much, and Sprout was altogether too…nice.

Snape was another matter entirely. Harry remembered, shortly after that whole fiasco with the troll, Snape was limping pretty badly. And now that he came to mention it, not long afterwards, he had headed to Snape's office to deliver some extra-credit homework he and Hermione did on the Draught of Living Death, only to find him being tended to by Pomfrey. He had been in a foul mood at that point, so Harry merely handed him the essays and left without comment, though he had wondered why Snape seemed to have bite marks on his injured leg, and he briefly overhead Snape mentioning something with multiple heads, something that could very well have been Fluffy. Which meant he had been attacked by the Cerberus at around the same time the troll had been wandering the school. Snape was a rather strict and snide man, but Harry wondered if it was possible for him to be a thief as well. But to what end?

Harry heard from some students that Snape was a former Death Eater, a follower of Voldemort's. And it was a fear of much of Magical Britain that Voldemort was not actually dead. Hagrid, during one of their meetings for tea, had remarked to the effect that he didn't think Voldemort was human enough to die. Perhaps the Stone could be used in some way to revive Voldemort? Of course, the fact remained that Snape had been outed, apparently, as a double-agent by Dumbledore after Voldemort was vanquished, and if Dumbledore trusted Snape, that was a mark in the man's favour. And Snape, for all of his acid tongue, respected intellect, albeit when displayed outside Gryffindor.

Hagrid was dismissed swiftly. Despite his keeping a newspaper cutting of the Gringotts break-in, he wore his heart very much on his sleeve, and seemed to be incapable of keeping a secret. If anything, he just was incompetent at keeping the Stone secret.

Quirrell, though…Harry couldn't quite dismiss Quirrell, despite the man's seeming timidity. It had been Quirrell who had announced a troll being loose in the dungeons, but according to the rumour mill, the troll actually ended up near a girl's bathroom, and Harry wasn't sure whether it could have gotten there as fast as it was supposed to have gotten there. The man varied between long periods of stuttering imbecility and flashes of lucid brilliance. The more Harry watched the man, the more he became convinced that it was, partially at least, an act. He had even asked around about Quirrell, and found out that the man had once been a Muggle Studies teacher, but had offered to become a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. He had spent a year on sabbatical, travelling and gaining practical experience, as the man already had theoretical qualifications. He had been somewhat nervous back then, apparently, but nowhere near as bad as he was now.

Then again, there was still the possibility that it wasn't an act, and he really was a stuttering coward. And he was known to have been in Ravenclaw rather than Slytherin, and wasn't known to be in the Death Eaters.

He didn't know enough about the rest of the faculty to make any judgements on the matter. Of the student body, he was sure most of the strongest suspects would be in Slytherin, if only because they were known for their ambition and willingness to bend or break the rules more than any other House. Of those, Draco Malfoy topped the list. Harry and Draco had entered into a détente of sorts since Christmas and the astronomy poster Harry had gotten Draco. While it was unlikely they would be friends for the foreseeable future, they had basically agreed to disagree. But the Malfoys were rich, though the sort to use a lot of money for greasing the palms of various officials in the Ministry of Magic, so more gold would be welcome. Then again, one thing Draco lacked that stealing the Stone required was subtlety.

Harry did consider one of the Weasleys, given how Ron often spoke of how their family hadn't much money. But he decided to dismiss it. The Weasleys, with the exception of Percy, wore their hearts on their sleeves like Hagrid did, and he couldn't see Ron Weasley as planning, let alone successfully completing, a heist of a well-guarded object. And the twins seemed just as likely to booby-trap the Stone even further. Besides, Ron was a friend. So was Neville. And the twins were getting that way.

And Hermione? Harry didn't really consider her. She'd want it for the immortality and for it being a fascinating alchemic object, but he knew her enough that she was emphatically not on the list of suspects.

It was after a Quidditch game between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff that Harry got an intriguing lead. He had been discussing broom types with Oliver Wood, the Captain of the Gryffindor team, when he saw Snape leaving the castle. Although the man was wearing a hooded cloak, Harry knew it to be him, given the distinctive way the man walked. Harry made his excuses with Wood, and used the Cloak of Invisibility to follow Snape to the edge of the Forbidden Forest. He knew how to be stealthy: years of being GLaDOS' test subject, even if she favoured him, had taught him how to be stealthy to avoid her cameras and microphones. Rattmann had been an excellent teacher.

He followed Snape through the Forest, careful not to step on anything that could alert him to his presence. He found his quarry in a clearing, and settled down, quieting himself as much as possible, before listening in. The voices were those of Quirrell and Snape. "I d-don't know why you wanted t-t-to meet here of all p-places, Severus…" Quirrell said.

"Oh, I thought we'd keep this private," Snape's resonant nasal drawl rang out. His voice was colder than that experimental test chamber designed to simulate snowfall. That one made the _oxygen_ freeze out of the air, and thankfully, GLaDOS never made anyone go in there without insulated heated spacesuits with oxidization protection. "Students aren't supposed to know about the Philosopher's Stone, after all."

 _So the Stone_ _ **IS**_ _in Hogwarts!_ Harry thought. He could hear Quirrell mumbling something faintly, but Snape interrupted the man.

"Have you found out how to get past that beast of Hagrid's yet?"

Harry blinked. He didn't like the way this sounded. It sounded like Snape was coercing Quirrell to help him with stealing the Philosopher's Stone.

As Quirrell stammered some excuse, Snape said ominously, "You don't want me as your enemy, Quirrell."

"I-I don't know what you…"

"You know perfectly well what I mean." An owl hooted overhead, but Harry caught most of what Snape said afterwards. "…Headmaster and I know about your little bit of hocus pocus." After a moment, Snape said, "I'm waiting." Quirrell stammered some other excuse, before Snape interrupted. "Very well. We'll have another little chat soon, when you've had time to think things over, and decided where your loyalties lie."

As Snape stormed back to Hogwarts, Harry realised, given what he just heard, that Snape wasn't the guilty party, or at least was engaged in misdirection. He heard 'Headmaster and I know about your little bit of hocus pocus'. And Harry was willing to bet that meant that Snape and Dumbledore suspected Quirrell of being up to something, namely stealing the Stone.

Carefully, he picked his way back to the castle, acutely aware that Quirrell may very well be his enemy. That, and it was getting dark.

Still, he reflected, if he was right, then not only was Quirrell the one after the Philosopher's Stone, but Dumbledore and Snape were aware of that fact. Assuming Snape wasn't a rival claimant for the Stone, anyway, and was lying to try and intimidate a rival.

So Harry resolved to keep an eye on Quirrell, and told Hermione to do the same, albeit discreetly. She had been mortified that once more, he had broken the rules, but conceded that learning that the Philosopher's Stone was present and Quirrell may have designs on it was, if not worth it, then pursuing the unofficial Ravenclaw creed of doing what it took to learn. And as long as she viewed it as helping the teachers keep an eye on someone who was up to no good, then she could tolerate Harry's flouting the rules, as long as he didn't get them into trouble.

Harry burned his suspect list soon after that incident, and began writing a new list of reasons regarding Quirrell and Snape as suspects. Quirrell was still prime suspect, given what he had heard, but he couldn't dismiss the possibility of a double-bluff.

One bright spot in all of this was that news had reached him that Sirius Black had nearly finished his treatment at St Mungo's. That, and, apparently, the Minister of Magic and Madam Amelia Bones had finally agreed with GLaDOS to send Peter Pettigrew to her. His trial was pretty much a _fait accompli_ , and while he was originally sentenced to the Kiss for betraying the Potters and leaving Sirius Black to rot in Azkaban, Pettigrew was startled to learn that his sentence was commuted to 'lifetime community service as research associate at Aperture Science'. He thought that he was getting off easily, perhaps even able to escape and help Voldemort rise again, Harry reckoned.

Oh, how wrong he was. The only thing worse, Harry reckoned, would be a stint in Azkaban. Harry felt little pity for the rat, especially after the Veritaserum was administered, where Pettigrew admitted to a litany of crimes, as well as admitting he wanted to stay close to Harry in case Voldemort rose again, to offer him. Harry could understand cowardice and having a self-preservation instinct, but there were degrees of cowardice that he detested, and Pettigrew had betrayed his parents and let his godfather be sent to Hell on Earth for a decade. What GLaDOS had cooked up for him was too good for him.

* * *

Pettigrew woke to find that he was naked (save for a couple of medical monitoring patches, a urinary catheter and a rather larger tube inserted in another VERY intimate and humiliating place) and encased in some sort of plastic tank, currently empty of water or anything else, save for himself and breathable air. Worse, there seemed to be two Muggles, one with a neat beard and a neurotic disposition, and one with a wild beard and a manic disposition, staring at him. Oh, and there was a strange metal sphere with a blue light reminiscent of an eye. "Oh, wow," the sphere said with a Northern English accent. "You'd think he was a big fat ol' rat even now. All he's missing are the whiskers and tail!"

The man with the neat beard looked down at, and wrinkled his nose. "He looks like he stinks like one, too, Wheatley. GLaDOS, how many times did you wash him?"

A lilting, vaguely mechanical-sounding voice of a woman, sounding like some mad computer from _Doctor Who_ or _Out of the Unknown(_ _2)_ , spoke. " _He went through a dozen iterations of Aperture Science's Ultimate Sterilisation Process. And when we say sterilisation, we_ _ **mean**_ _sterilisation. He hasn't got any viable spermatozoa left, and the world will probably be thankful of his newly-found inability to breed. He may get cancer eventually due to the radiation exposure, but that will be the least of his worries._ "

"Who said that?!" Pettigrew demanded. He looked at the vast chamber that the tank he was in had been placed in. He turned (the tubes inserted into his body thankfully moving with him, and thus avoiding considerable pain) to find a strange structure swooping in from the roof of the chamber, a vaguely feminine-looking construct with a single yellow eye.

" _Greetings, Peter Pettigrew, otherwise known as Scabbers, otherwise known as Wormtail, and soon to be known hereafter in perpetuity as Animagus Test Subject ASS-WTF-01. I am GLaDOS, the head of Aperture Science, the great-aunt of Harry Evans, aka Harry Potter, the aunt of Lily Evans, the woman you betrayed, and, more importantly to you_ …" The light-like eye narrowed. " _You are going to be my_ _ **bitch**_ _, little rat._ "

Pettigrew whimpered, and he knew he was using the two tubes inserted into his body just that moment. Another mechanical voice, this one male, remarked all too-cheerfully, " _Urine and faecal samples collected._ "

Pettigrew, after a moment, said, in a very small whimper of a voice, "This is going to hurt, isn't it?"

" _If that is your only concern, then you can rest assured_ ," GLaDOS said. Pettigrew emitted a premature sigh of relief, before she added, " ** _I_** _will feel no hurt or discomfort. You, on the other hand, will experience some mild discomfort to severe nociceptive stimulation, depending on the tests involved._ "

"Noci-WHAT?!" Pettigrew yelped.

"She means you'll be feeling a lot of pain, rat-boy," the man with the neat beard said with a smirk(3).

" _Thank you, Doctor Freeman_ ," GLaDOS said graciously. " _Now, test subjects are encouraged to scream and utter expletives loudly, as such actions have been shown to boost endorphin levels. However, given that you will soon be breathing liquid, that will not work. Still, the endorphin levels of those observing the tests will not only boost endorphin levels, but also morale. As I no longer have endorphins, as I do not have a body, I will take the morale._ "

"Please, just let me go," Pettigrew whimpered.

" _In the immortal words of Queen, 'Bismillah, no! We will not let you go(_ _4)_ _!'_ " GLaDOS said.

Freeman then said, "Oh, I will pay you money to hear you sing _Bohemian Rhapsody!_ "

" _Well, this is the real life, as much as Pettigrew hopes this is just fantasy._ " GLaDOS then glared at Pettigrew, who quailed. " _Are you sitting comfortably? No? Then we will begin…_ "

 **CHAPTER 12 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Sadly, Azkaban is worse than Aperture, especially with a more sane GLaDOS in charge of the latter. Oh, and I've written a scene with a naked Peter Pettigrew. Have fun getting THAT mental image out of your minds, people. Heh heh heh…**

 **Anyway, I hope you liked Harry's bit of detective work. Quirrell and Snape's dialogue in this chapter was mostly taken from** ** _The Philosopher's Stone_** **, but I added a little bit of dialogue just after the owl hooting. Here, Harry managed to hear this. Much of GLaDOS and Pettigrew's exchange at the end of this chapter was derived from an idea my frequent reviewer, Zane Tribal Tyne Alexandros, had for the dialogue for when they met, specifically the 'this is going to hurt' exchange.**

 **Review-answering time!** **Jostanos** **: Not gonna happen. There's plenty of Harry Potter and** ** _Fullmetal Alchemist_** **crossovers out there anyway.**

 **mkeider1** **: I knew this from Wikipedia.**

 **1\. ROT13 is a very basic substitution cipher, basically meaning rotating letters by 13 places. In other words, each letter of the alphabet is changed into a letter halfway through the rest of it. A becomes N, B becomes O, and so on.**

 **2\. While** ** _Doctor Who_** **needs little explanation,** ** _Out of the Unknown_** **does need a little explanation.** ** _Out of the Unknown_** **was like** ** _The Twilight Zone_** **and** ** _The Outer Limits_** **in that it was a science fiction anthology series, only British.**

 **3\. Nociception is the technical term for feeling pain.**

 **4\. As Freeman points out, GLaDOS is quoting from** ** _Bohemian Rhapsody_** **.**


	14. Chapter 13: That's a Dragon's Egg, Isn't

**CHAPTER 13:**

 **THAT'S A DRAGON'S EGG, ISN'T IT?**

If there was one thing Severus Snape shared with Sirius Black at this time, then it was a joint delight in seeing the latest photos of Peter Pettigrew suffering, even if the rat was naked. GLaDOS had, using her holographic projector, even showed him video footage of the latest experiments done on him. Black was going to see the footage when he left St Mungo's for Aperture, but Snape was sitting back and watching it now, having even persuaded the House Elves to get him popcorn, a rare indulgence for the Potions Master. Albus wasn't happy when he learned of the rat's fate, but as Pettigrew was looking at either the Kiss or Azkaban, Snape appreciated GLaDOS making the Rat Animagus into something useful. To forgive is divine, they say. And Snape knew that neither he nor GLaDOS were gods, despite the latter's opinion on the matter.

Snape had to admit wholeheartedly, he was wrong about Potter. True, the boy shared some of his father's disrespect for authority and rules (school rules, anyway: he followed those in classes to the letter), and his annoying enjoyment of pranks, and his sense of safety was skewed, especially outside the classroom. But he was also intelligent in a way that he hadn't expected, even from Lily's son. The boy was at least respectful to Snape, but didn't hesitate to ask intelligent questions. Neither did his habitual partner, the Granger girl, who was brilliant once she got over verbatim regurgitation of facts and onto critical thinking. It helped that neither of them were in Gryffindor.

Snape wouldn't let them sit on their laurels, though. While he detested teaching in general, some students who caught his eye were more interesting to teach. Draco Malfoy was certainly a good student in Potions and what Snape had managed to teach him in Defence Against the Dark Arts. Draco lacked the political acumen and savvy of his father, but he was showing himself to be an excellent student in magic. Potter and Granger were also interesting, and gave superlative work and asked good questions. These three were the superlative ones.

In any case, Snape actually found himself fulfilling his life debt to James Potter, and his promise to the memory of Lily, not at all grudgingly. Rather, he did so with ease.

Apparently, today, as it was a Saturday, Potter had persuaded Granger to embark on an expedition with him, into the Black Lake, of all things. According to Dumbledore and Flitwick, who were the supervising adults, Potter had obtained from Aperture Science a pair of diving suits, but ones that used a breathable liquid. Snape had seen a Muggle movie a couple of years back called _The Abyss_ , and had later learned that this was a real technology, if not actually refined enough (save for what Aperture developed, anyway) to work like it did in the movie(1). And he saw the breathable liquid in action with the videos of Pettigrew.

Despite the fact that Sirius Black was out of Azkaban (where Snape firmly believed he belonged, regardless of his innocence where the betrayal of the Potters was concerned), Snape thought that all was right with the world, with perhaps one nagging detail.

Quirrell.

Snape knew that Quirrell was the Dark Lord's agent, possibly even allowing himself to be possessed by the Dark Lord, which meant intimidating him could be dangerous. Sooner or later, Quirrell would try to make his way past the protections around the Philosopher's Stone, most of them designed to hinder or delay him long enough for Dumbledore or Snape to follow behind long enough to ensure that he got trapped by the Mirror of Erised.

Of course, allowing Quirrell free reign in a school of children was dangerous, as the incident with the Troll and the Bludgers Quirrell enchanted to attack Harry proved. Snape only allowed it to go on because there was a chance he might be free of one master, forever.

Snape grinned to himself as a notion struck him. Pettigrew was enjoying the hospitality of GLaDOS at Aperture. A shame Quirrell might not be able to be sent there, not without Dumbledore making a fuss. But if he got trapped in the Mirror of Erised…the notion of Quirrell and Voldemort being experimented upon was perversely attractive to Snape.

* * *

At the edge of the Black Lake, a small gathering of students, along with a couple of teachers, watched as a couple of small figures, in what looked like futuristic diving suits, lumbered out of the water onto the shore. It could have been a strange visitation of alien life at Hogwarts. Flitwick and Dumbledore, acting on instructions from Harry, gently removed the helmets, spilling out blue-tinted liquid, and gently held the two children as they began hacking up the liquid they had been breathing for the past few hours.

"Bloody hell, Harry, you're mental," Ron exclaimed as Harry and Hermione finished coughing up the liquid.

"It's been noted," Harry rasped, his vocal cords still recovering from being slightly anaesthetised, to prevent laryngospasm. Such a thing would have suffocated them when they were trying to breathe liquid instead of air. He was grinning his head off in spite of this, and frankly, so was Hermione.

"In future, I suggest Gillyweed," Dumbledore said. "It's perhaps less traumatic. Did the Merpeople treat you well?"

Hermione nodded. "They showed us all around the village. Thanks for letting them know we were coming," she rasped, before coughing.

"I speak to the tribe on occasion. My Mermish needs a bit of polishing every now and then. They're generally not friendly to humans, and certainly not strangers, but they were every bit as curious to see these suits as I was," Dumbledore said. "Twenty points to Ravenclaw for undertaking an interesting journey of your own accord. Now, let's get you to the boatshed, and get you changed. Those suits may be warm when the system is going, but now that you're above the surface, well, windchill and all that."

* * *

Once they had changed, Harry having the bulky suits shrunk by Flitwick and put in a bag to carry back, he was startled to find himself hugged by Hermione. "Thank you! That was a great experience, Harry! Okay, not so much the drowning in breathable liquid, but breathing it? Going into a Merpeople village? I never even dreamed of such things!"

"Uhh, thanks? Calm down, Hermione, it's okay. Breathe, don't forget to breathe. I need to breathe too, so need you to let go, please." All this time, she was denying that she was crazy enough to work at Aperture, when in reality, she just needed the right buttons pressed for the crazy to come out. Namely, a science and knowledge fangirl, and a rabid one at that.

Dumbledore and Flitwick were both laughing. Harry and Hermione didn't know it, but they were mentally comparing Hermione to Lily, with her own inquisitive nature and enthusiasm about learning. Of course, James Potter and Lily Evans loathed each other for most of their time at Hogwarts, with only James improving himself after the incident where Snape called Lily a Mudblood allowing them to have a friendship. Built on the ruins of that between Snape and Lily, sadly.

But perhaps they were seeing the genesis of a similar relationship. In its earliest stages, of course, but even so, it was something to treasure. And Dumbledore was glad that he had confirmed the Horcrux was no longer in Harry. The Boy Who Lived would continue to live…as long as Voldemort didn't come back.

* * *

Later, Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Neville headed up to Hagrid's hut, the two Ravenclaws regaling the two Gryffindors about their little excursion into the Black Lake. Ron was shaking his head in disbelief, while Neville had his eyes wide in astonishment.

"So, what's this Gillyweed stuff that Dumbledore mentioned?" Harry asked.

"I've heard of it," Neville said, frowning. He was definitely the go-to person, Harry thought, for anything where magical plants were concerned. "I don't know for sure, but, supposedly, it transforms you briefly. Gives you gills and flippers. It only does it for about an hour or so."

"Wow," Harry said. "I am _so_ getting some. GLaDOS is going to love Gillyweed. I mean, magic, or Will-based Transmogrification Force, is a whole new frontier. I mean, has no wizard or witch ever tried to figure out seriously how this stuff works?"

"I guess they do that in the Department of Mysteries," Neville admitted.

Harry nodded, thinking about that place. It had been mentioned more than a few times, sounding like some top-secret research and development wing of the Ministry of Magic. And bloody interesting to boot. There'd have to be some interesting research in there into the nature of magic. Of course, most wizards and witches had the attitude to magic of, 'It works, so why bother explaining it?' Of course, there were those things about Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration, and the Five Principal Exceptions, which he and GLaDOS were taking some interest in, having come across the term in one of the many books they had gotten in Diagon Alley.

"I think the Wizarding World needs more research and development," Harry declared.

"I think you need more medication," Hermione remarked, albeit with a smirk on her face, as they reached Hagrid's hut. The massive man had been a bit furtive lately. And the curtains were drawn. They knocked on the door, and Hagrid invited them in, albeit slightly reluctantly. For some reason, the interior of the hut wasn't just warm, it was stiflingly hot.

Hagrid was delighted to listen to Harry and Hermione talk about their experiences in the Black Lake. After a while, Harry asked, "Hagrid, it's pretty hot in here. Can we have a window open or something, please?"

Hagrid shook his head, but shot the fireplace a nervous glance. Harry and Hermione, remembering how appalling Hagrid was at keeping secrets, looked over, and saw, under the kettle, a massive black egg. Ron, who had followed their gaze, stared. "Hagrid…where'd you get that, mate? That must've cost you a fortune!"

"Won it a couple of nights ago," Hagrid said. "I was down in Hogsmeade, havin' a few drinks, when I got into a game o' cards with a stranger. Think he was glad to get rid of it, to be honest."

"I can see why," Hermione said, peering at the egg. "That's a dragon's egg, isn't it?"

Harry's eyes widened, and he darted over. As he examined the egg, he heard Hagrid say, "Not jest any dragon's egg, but a Norwegian Ridgeback. I've been doin'…well, a touch of light readin'." He pulled out a book, apparently from the Hogwarts library, and began holding forth on various procedures used for dragon-raising.

Ron, who was sitting next to Harry and Hermione as they stared at the fire, said quietly, "It's illegal. Dragon-breeding was outlawed by the Warlock's Convention in 1709, everyone knows that. I mean, if everyone had a dragon in their backyard, they'd be noticed by the Muggles. Besides, you can't tame them."

"Hagrid looks like he wants to give it a damn good try," Harry muttered. "How do you know this?"

"My brother Charlie works on a reserve in Romania, remember? And that thing about dragon-breeding is what most wizarding children get taught even before Hogwarts. There's a couple of native dragon breeds in Britain: the Common Welsh Green and the Hebridean Blacks. The Obliviators get a lot of their work thanks to dragon-sightings, using memory charms on Muggles who spotted dragons who stray from warded sanctuaries."

"And Hagrid is raising a dragon, illegally, in a wooden hut," Hermione muttered exasperatedly.

"Yeah, even by Aperture standards, that's crazy," Harry said quietly. "Seriously, fire is kept firmly _away_ from living quarters."

"But he'll be heartbroken if the dragon is taken away from him," Hermione mused.

"We'll have to think of something, then," Harry said. "Hermione, do you feel up to the task of having a look through dragon-related legislation as well as anything in the Hogwarts charter?"

"Why? Do you think there may be a loophole?"

"Maybe. Meanwhile, I'm going to talk to GLaDOS, see if there's anything at Aperture that can help. Ron, I may need to pick your brains about whatever your brother may have told you about dragons. And Neville?" Harry called over to the timid boy. "Keep shtum about this."

Neville nodded. He already had a deer in the headlights look, of someone who knew too much. He was clearly hoping that he could just make sure nothing bad happened. But even as Harry returned to look at the dragon egg, he found himself worried. It was probably coincidence, perhaps nothing more than paranoia, but something told him that Hagrid getting a dragon egg was no coincidence. After all, if it was against wizarding law, how many people would wander around with a dragon's egg? Okay, wanting to offload it was understandable, but it was not even an open secret that Hagrid wanted to own a dragon. And Harry got a nasty feeling that Quirrell may have just made a move. The question is, did Hagrid say anything about how to get past Fluffy the Cerberus?

 **CHAPTER 13 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm getting Hermione much more friendly with Harry, so while it's a long way off for any serious Harmony, the seeds are there.**

 **Review-answering time!** **CJ-T-Bone** **: Maybe we should get Ellen McLain to do one or something.**

 **Zekrob** **: As mentioned in correspondence, this is no coincidence. I explicitly mentioned my reference to** ** _Nobody Dies_** **.**

 **coe mcgraph** **: No, none of those things will be involved. Well, not yet. But painful biological samples and electric shocks will be involved.**

 **TehUnoman** **: I fail to see the relevance of the Milkshake song, so I'd have to say that there's plenty wrong with you. ;)**

 **chaosglory626** **and** **Imoneoldfart** **: I dunno whether Harry's still a Parselmouth, so I'll wait until later to determine that.**

 **Taiyou Ryu** **: Sorry, you didn't get it. But maybe we should find a way to get Ellen McLain to sing** ** _Bohemian Rhapsody_** **as GLaDOS.**

 **1\. I've got a fascination with breathable liquid. I can't remember whether I first saw it in** ** _The Abyss_** **, or** ** _Neon Genesis Evangelion_** **. But it is a real thing, though sadly, because it takes too much effort to breathe freely without causing a lot of carbon dioxide buildup, it needs to be used with a ventilator.** ** _The Abyss_** **was one of the first big usages of it in pop-culture (though the Gerry Anderson live-action series** ** _UFO_** **showed it at least a decade and a half earlier), and actually showed a live mouse actually breathing perfluorocarbon. It was released in August 1989, and Snape may very well have seen it.**


	15. Chapter 14: How Can We Help Hagrid?

**CHAPTER 14:**

 **HOW CAN WE HELP HAGRID?**

GLaDOS contemplated the problem that Harry had posed her. If she was in her gynoid body, she'd certainly be frowning. He was communicating with her using the video-conferencing device built into the laptop he had brought to Hogwarts, using a disused classroom for privacy. " _I am honestly not sure what to do about this yet, Harry_ ," GLaDOS intoned in her lilting voice. " _While I have been building a dragon enclosure in anticipation of receiving one, it is as yet incomplete, and smuggling it to Aperture may be something of an effort. However, I am in contact with Charlie Weasley in Romania. He's even assented to using a mobile phone shielded against magic. So I can call him up and explain the situation._ "

" _Thanks, but I'm a little worried about Hagrid. He seems too fixated on his dragon. Taking it away from him may be a problem._ "

" _Sadly, I think your best course of action may be to contact Dumbledore_ ," GLaDOS said. " _As much as I detest following authority figures when there's science to be done, the truth is, it is only thanks to Dumbledore that Hagrid still has employment at Hogwarts. I asked Dumbledore and Snape about Hagrid out of curiosity. Apparently he was expelled from Hogwarts over some scandal about fifty years ago, with his wand snapped. Dumbledore even confessed to me that he is half-giant. The human race is full of the prejudiced, and the magical world even more so. Dumbledore is not only in a position of authority, but he understands discretion. Not only that, but he can talk with Hagrid discreetly. Dumbledore is, after all, someone Hagrid looks up to, and Hagrid would listen to him about the issues involved in raising a dragon. You can also ask him for any perspectives on the law regarding raising dragons: many laws have exceptions and loopholes that can be exploited, and while your friend Hermione is an excellent researcher, Dumbledore has experience, being in charge of the Wizengamot. Speaking of Hermione, how did she enjoy the diving expedition?_ "

" _Great! Transitioning between breathing air and breathing liquid, and vice versa, weren't pleasant, but she loved it! By the way GLaDOS, did you do that research into Nicholas Flamel and the Philosopher's Stone?_ "

" _I've done as much as I can given my limited sources, especially in the wizarding world. They're real historical figures, the Flamels, though it is only in wizarding texts that state them to be still alive with any real authority_ ," GLaDOS said. " _His real location in the world is a closely-guarded secret, and I wouldn't be surprised if claims he lives in Devon are misdirection to prevent anyone from pestering him about the Stone(_ _1)_ _. I hope to engage in correspondence with him anyway. The chrysopeian(_ _2)_ _abilities of the Stone do not interest me, but the Elixir of Life is another matter entirely. Of course, alchemists of yore were infamous for their deliberate obscurity. They were afraid of having their secrets stolen, and did not give a damn for peer review._ "

" _The irony being that one of the most famous alchemists of all time was Isaac Newton, who was a nasty sort anyway. I mean, look at what he did to Hooke, Flamsteed, and Leibniz_ ," Harry said. " _I mean, I've read about that before, but that book Hermione gave me for Christmas was brilliant(_ _3)_ _. I wonder if Flamel and Newton ever corresponded?_ "

" _If I succeed in corresponding with him, I will ask him_ ," GLaDOS said. " _I'd suggest treading carefully, Harry. The Stone is at Hogwarts for a reason, and it'd be a dangerous reason. And I would prefer my great-nephew and favourite test subject to make it back here alive._ "

" _Okay. Talk to you later, GLaDOS. I won't keep you from your important work any longer._ " With that, the video feed disappeared from the wall, and GLaDOS looked down at the gathered subjects of this latest experiment.

" _Are you ready?_ " GLaDOS asked the Turret Choir. After receiving affirmatives, she sang some scales to warm up her voice (or at least test the synthesiser for bugs), before she cleared her throat. " _Now, remember, we're getting it right this time, because Android Hell is very real, and I will be sending a random member of you there if you do not perform to expectations. It's a challenging song, I know, but if humans can sing it, you can too. Now, on three. One, two, three…_ "

After a moment, the Turret Choir, accompanied by GLaDOS, began singing.

 _Is this the real life?_

 _Is this just fantasy?_

 _Caught in a landslide,_

 _No escape from reality_ …

* * *

Dumbledore frowned as he listened to what Harry had to tell him. After some time, Dumbledore sighed quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Poor Hagrid," he murmured. "I would trust him with my life, but sadly, he has a rather skewed view of danger, one which makes him both a delight and a trial to deal with. I know this will break his heart. Sadly, there aren't any clauses in the Hogwarts Charter that I can think of that will allow him to keep the dragon on the grounds, even for educational purposes. And the laws are quite clear. I believe contacting Charlie Weasley is our best option."

"It'll break his heart," Harry muttered. "I don't want to do this, but…"

"I understand, Harry. Rest assured, I will use the utmost discretion, and Hagrid won't get in trouble if I can help it. The thing I am most worried about is who sold Hagrid the egg. After all, the odds are slim that someone would just happen to have a dragon's egg and hand it over to the one man in this area who'd want to raise a dragon more than any other," Dumbledore said.

Harry debated with himself as to whether to admit that he knew about the Stone. Then again, he did find out by accident, when Hagrid let things slip. Eventually, he said, "I don't think this is a coincidence, Professor. Some time ago, he let slip about his Cerberus guarding something. Something made by a man called Nicholas Flamel. I'm guessing it may be the Philosopher's Stone. Am I right?"

Dumbledore peered at Harry, before saying, "I can see why you and Miss Granger are in Ravenclaw. Obviously, this isn't something I want advertised. Nicholas and Perenelle are very old friends of mine. They taught me almost everything I know about alchemy. Harry, while I am sure that I cannot stop you from being curious, I must admonish you to have some caution. People would kill to obtain the Stone."

"Do you think that man who gave Hagrid the dragon egg might have winkled information out of him?" Harry asked.

"Hagrid is loyal, Harry, but as you yourself have proven, he sometimes can be indiscreet," Dumbledore said. "If the dragon egg man had gotten Hagrid into conversation, he may have asked about Fluffy obliquely. Harry, I must ask you something. Aside from remaining cautious, I want you to keep an eye out. If you see anything suspicious, bring it to my attention, or Professor Flitwick. Or, for that matter, any of the other House Heads. I trust them."

 _Which means_ , Harry thought, _that he definitely trusts Snape_. "Thank you, Professor. Is there any news about Sirius?"

"Yes, actually. I have received news from St Mungo's that he will be released tomorrow. He's looking to see what he can salvage from his ancestral home. I believe he intends to take your great-aunt up on her offer of work at Aperture Science. And to be fair, I will feel a lot better knowing that he is there for you at Aperture. Your great-aunt, frankly, gives me considerable cause for disquiet, especially given her current experimentation on Peter Pettigrew."

Harry nodded. "She does that. My great-aunt's a good person in the end, Professor. But Pettigrew betrayed her niece, and my mother, not to mention my father. He left my godfather to rot in Azkaban, and he's been sleeping in the same bed as underaged children. To forgive is divine, but contrary to what a lot of Magical Britain thinks, I am not a god." After a moment's pause, during which Harry reached over and took a lemon sherbet out of the bowl, he reflected, "Unless there's a god for mad scientists. Have they deified Nikola Tesla yet?"

Dumbledore, who was currently partaking of his own lemon sherbet at the time, spat the candy out in astonishment. Harry wiped away what had landed on him, and asked, "Oh, and I have one really big question I want you to ask Nicholas Flamel. It's something I'm curious about. Did he and Isaac Newton ever correspond? I mean, Newton did study alchemy, after all."

"No, or rather, never on good terms. In fact, Nicholas once talked to me about the rather…fractious relationship he had with Sir Isaac. They had met during the war Newton had with Leibniz over the creation of calculus. Flamel supported Leibniz wholeheartedly, and refused to share any notes about the Stone. In retaliation, Newton began spreading some of the first overt rumours in the Muggle world about Flamel having discovered the Stone, despite having sworn to secrecy. Newton, as you may know, was something of an egocentric, believing himself to be the sole true genius of his generation. And while he was doubtless one of the most brilliant men to have ever lived, he was also petulant, childish, and self-centred. I have seen many a genius fall prey to such selfishness. Even I haven't been immune."

Harry thought that a rather fascinating window into Flamel's long life and times. And it sounded like the sort of thing Newton would have done.

* * *

It was a bit anticlimactic, talking to Ron and Hermione, telling them about his request to Dumbledore. Ron seemed annoyed that Harry, of all people, had decided to go to the nearest authority, but Harry's argument won Ron over. Getting Dumbledore involved would ensure that things blew over with the least amount of trouble for all parties concerned, especially poor Hagrid.

Dumbledore and Ron arranged for Charlie Weasley to covertly pick up the dragon once it hatched. Hagrid, very reluctantly, conceded (once Dumbledore gently explained it to the half-giant) that it was a bad idea to raise a dragon in a wooden hut, though he wanted Charlie to send him pictures of Norbert regularly. Harry felt bad about that: it felt like he had killed an admittedly late Christmas for the good-natured giant man. So, to take Hagrid's mind off it, once Dumbledore left, he asked the Keeper of the Key's and Grounds what other animals he had had as pets.

That turned out to do the trick, as Hagrid was happy giving anecdotes about his various pets, though Ron had all but freaked out when Hagrid admitted he once had an _Acromantula_ as a pet. Between Ron's arachnophobia and the fact that Acromantulas were huge bloody spiders, Harry could see why. Hagrid also mentioned some of his favourite animals that he kept for Hogwarts, though Harry had heard about the Thestrals and the Hippogriffs before. Hagrid even let slip something about Cerberuses: that if you played a decent tune for them, they'd go to sleep.

Harry filed away that information for later. Even so, he wondered whether Hagrid had let that slip to the man with the dragon egg. And if so, if that man was Quirrell, how soon before the man acted?

* * *

The next day, in a quiet corner of a pub not far from St Mungo's, two old friends were catching up. "First drink I've had in a bloody long time," Sirius Black muttered, sipping from it. "They didn't even let me touch butterbeer, even when I visited Hogwarts."

"How is he?" asked the prematurely-greying Remus Lupin. "Dumbledore told me some pretty…strange things. Is it true that he grew up in a Muggle lab in the care of an insane computer?"

"That's about the size of it. I've spoken to GLaDOS a few times. Remember, we met Caroline Evans once, at the wedding between James and Lily. She's changed quite a lot…but quite frankly, Harry's better off there than at the Dursleys. I'm glad that bitch Petunia foisted Harry onto Caroline. Apparently, without Harry, GLaDOS may have gone completely insane, lost her humanity entirely. And she invited me to go to Aperture. I've accepted. Hell, I'm considering using a good chunk of my family fortune to fund her research. Not that she needs it, but frankly, I can't think of any better 'screw you' to my family than to have their funds go to a Muggle organisation. I'm going to keep some aside for Harry and you. Actually, speaking of which, I got to talking about the Marauders with her, and when she heard about your…ailment, she suggested you come with me."

"Why did you bring that up, Padfoot?!" Remus demanded.

"Because Aperture seems to specialise in doing the impossible," Sirius responded. "They've made some sort of gun that can create portals on certain surfaces, these gel things that we would have used for pranks, and artificial intelligence. Seriously, they're decades ahead of everything else in the Muggle world, and you and I know that the Muggles are decades ahead of us in most regards. GLaDOS can't make any promises, but she wants to try and study your condition, Moony, try and figure out if she can cure it."

"And what does she get out of it?" Remus asked.

"She's a mad scientist, Moony. She'd jump at the chance to study…what you are. And unlike Peter, I think she'll be nice to you about it."

"Yes, Dumbledore told me what GLaDOS was doing to Peter," Remus said. "Dumbledore hates it, but I say good riddance. Padfoot, I'm sorry. I know I said that before in our letters, and when I first met you, but I'm so angry at myself for being fooled so easily."

"I know. I was angry at everyone. You, Dumbledore, but especially Peter. And myself for getting fooled so bloody easily. But I'm out now, Peter's getting his just deserts, and I can get on with the one thing left to me: helping raise Harry. So, you're going to come with me?"

Remus sighed quietly. "Yeah, sure. Why not? I mean, it's not like there's a plethora of jobs for people with my condition. I just hope I'm not going to regret it…"

 **CHAPTER 14 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Phew, this story is finally on the downhill run. I'll be wrapping it up by the twentieth chapter, by the latest. I hope. I want to get more stories wrapped up so I can start sequels to stories people have been requesting for a while.**

 **Now, in case you're thinking Harry decided to go to an authority figure too quickly, it's not just my lazy writing. Harry is a smart cookie, and he realises that GLaDOS was right, that Dumbledore will help smooth things over for Hagrid's sake. We'll still have the bit with the unicorns, but instead of having Harry on detention, GLaDOS will be involved.**

 **Sorry about the rant about Newton. While I respect his discoveries as a scientist, I personally reckon he was a petulant little dingus. And yes, he was actually an alchemist, believe it or not.**

 **GLaDOS singing** ** _Bohemian Rhapsody_** **was requested by a few readers. I hope the small sample in the chapter above sated your desires. As I'm on a bit of a Bowie kick at the moment, I'm considering having her sing** ** _The Man Who Sold The World_** **or** ** _Life on Mars_** **.**

 **Finally, I'm hoping that with this post,** ** _Is Your Great-Aunt an AI?!_** **will officially surpass** ** _Fall to Zenith_** **in terms of views, and hopefully** ** _Sins of the Father_** **. If it surpasses** ** _Sins of the Father_** **, it will officially become my third most-viewed fic!**

 **Review-answering time! For those of you who commented on Snape being 'nice', he's actually being nothing of the sort. He gave Harry a chance because he was put into Ravenclaw, and because he answered the questions, including information outside the scope of the text. Harry also asked Snape some pertinent questions, and Snape can respect the fact that Harry can ask intelligent questions. He's still a snide, bitter and twisted man, but he can have a relationship, of sorts, with Harry and Hermione, in that they're far from dunderheads or Gryffindors, but actually are interesting to teach.**

 **MWkillkenny84** **: I've no idea. As much as that may solve part of the problem, it's not going to happen. However, I am considering what fitting end to cause to Quirrellmort.**

 **blackops warfare** **: Probably not. I'm not as versed with the other 'Mind' series, so I can't help you there. Anyway, if there is another 'Mind' main character who will appear, it'll probably be Barney.**

 **EmiyaXander** **: Not going to happen for the foreseeable future.**

 **1\. In** ** _The Best Revenge_** **by the now sadly-deceased Arsinoe de Blassenville, Flamel confirms that he doesn't actually live in Devon, but rather prefers Paris and his chateau in Normandy. I thought this an interesting explanation. Give** ** _The Best Revenge_** **and its sequel** ** _The Time of the Basilisk_** **a go.**

 **2\. Chrysopeia meaning transmuting base metals into gold.**

 **3\. One of the best chapters in** ** _Rivals_** **, the book I mentioned earlier, discusses the various disputes Newton had with other scientists.**


	16. Chapter 15: Are You Sirius?

**CHAPTER 15:**

 **ARE YOU SIRIUS?**

It was thanks to a Portkey Dumbledore had created that Sirius and Remus were now walking down the corridors of Aperture Science. They were following a young woman clad in an orange jumpsuit, one who was introduced by that blue-eyed metal ball as Chell. Said blue-eyed metal ball, who reminded Sirius uncomfortably of Pettigrew, albeit more endearing than that traitor, was called Wheatley, and he was some sort of artificial intelligence. He did all the talking while he slid along a rail on the ceiling, as Chell, apparently, was mute. She could talk when she wanted to using a device like a rod she held to her neck, but for the moment, she didn't.

"…and that's how I got my pet lizard," Wheatley said, finishing an anecdote. "Of course, GLaDOS tells me that he's still a research specimen, but as long as I look after him, well, I don't care. Anyway, what's it like in that hellhole with the soul-sucking monsters?"

"Like Hell on Earth," Sirius said, annoyed at Wheatley. They had arrived at a large pair of doors, which were beginning to open.

"Oh, sorry, sorry about that. GLaDOS reckons I should get some tact software upgrades. But I dunno, it feels a bit easy getting a software update to fix a bit of personality. Besides, I wouldn't put it past her to slip some sort of program into the upgrade to hurt me for her amusement."

The by-now familiar lilting mechanical tone of GLaDOS spoke from behind the doors. " _It wouldn't_ _ **just**_ _be for my amusement, Wheatley_ ," the AI remarked dryly, her massive mechanical body peering at them. " _Besides, curing Foot-in-Mouth illness would be a most laudable goal for me to achieve. Go and play with your lizard…damnation. I need to work out a way to create software designed to curb accidental innuendo. I am raising a child, after all. Wheatley, just go._ "

Wheatley skittered away as quickly as his rail would allow. Sirius and Remus, meanwhile, were looking up at GLaDOS' main body. Sirius whistled, impressed. "I've seen that golem body of yours before, but…well, is this your actual body?"

" _This is the structure that houses my central processing unit, my brain if you will_ ," GLaDOS replied. " _The gynoid body, the 'golem body' as you put it, was an experiment I used to help foster a stronger emotional connection with Harry. That, and, frankly, I miss having a mobile body. I miss having legs and arms. Cave Johnson was a good man, but he had odd ideas of making sure that I was in charge of Aperture in perpetuity. You seem remarkably unfazed by this, Sirius Black. I know you have known of my true nature for some time, but I was under the impression that most wizards would be denying this possibility, or else looking for a way to kill me. Then again, so too would most non-magicals._ "

"I was the black sheep of the Black family. Well, the white sheep," Sirius said. "I've known quite a bit about the Muggle world, especially thanks to Lily. Hell, I even enchanted a motorbike so it could fly. I think Hagrid might still have it."

" _And what of you, Remus Lupin? I can tell you are in awe, but you are coping better than I expected._ "

"I had to find work in the Muggle world. Given my condition, I find it hard to get steady employment, especially in Magical Britain. I'm aware of computers, as well as what an artificial intelligence is meant to be. Anyway, awe's not what I'm feeling."

" _My mistake. I have a slight glitch in my emotional recognition circuits. I think I've been talking to Wheatley for too damned long. You're afraid. Fear is a perfectly understandable response. It only shows that you are sane. Or a nervous wreck. Either way is fine. I would bring my gynoid proxy body in to talk to you, but I finally managed to give certain features of it a field test with Doctor Freeman. It wasn't an unqualified success, but I can fine-tune those things, and Doctor Freeman has just awoken from his brief but deep coma._ "

"How did he get put into a coma?" Remus asked, and almost immediately regretted it when GLaDOS told him, in lurid detail. "…I didn't even know that was possible," he said quietly. Sirius nodded, though he took notes. He wanted to try a few of those things out in the bedroom.

" _Neither did I, but science is about pushing boundaries, even carnal ones, though there are lines even I would not cross. The drugs I gave Freeman were designed to enhance coital euphoria and help with flexibility. Thankfully, he seems to have enjoyed what are, in his words, 'the best sex I've ever had'. In any case, it was a choice between him, a schizophrenic, and a mute. And while I am fond of Chell, I am fond of her in a familial way, with all the snide language and bad feelings that entails, and I would prefer to hear some vocalisation. I don't think a cancer kazoo is up to the task._ " Chell didn't know whether to look flattered, annoyed, or disturbed, judging by her expression. That, and she didn't swing that way. " _And Rattmann…he needs better personal grooming, to say the least, and would run a mile rather than sleep with me. It was an enjoyable experience all the same. A neurotic, oxycodone-addicted egotist he may be, but Freeman is, when push comes to shove, an excellent lover. I need to find out if there's a self-reporting scale for coital pleasure out there somewhere._ "

Remus muttered, "Is it me, or have we wandered into a conversation I didn't really want to have?"

" _You will be more often than not, Remus Lupin. This will be one of the few relating to sex, though, if that's what you're worried about. I am raising Harry after all._ "

"That doesn't reassure me."

" _Your assurance is irrelevant. Besides, I enjoy watching people squirm, either when they make mistakes during experiments, or else when I bring the conversation to uncomfortable topics. Speaking of which, I am most curious to research your lycanthropy. In exchange for a blood sample and a few tests while you are transformed in a secure chamber, I will endeavour to find either a cure, or else an effective treatment._ "

"You can't be serious."

" _Actually, I believe the man standing next to you is Sirius, and you are Remus. Keep in mind that Aperture is an extremely vast facility, not counting even the abandoned sectors. Even if you broke free, I can even shift the test chamber away from any human bystanders. Of course, I wouldn't object if you mauled Wheatley a little. I don't think lycanthropy can infect artificial intelligences, especially if they're in an inorganic body. I also want your knowledge on magic, or, as I call it, Will-based Transmogrification Force. Professor Dumbledore has told me that you are an expert on Defence Against the Dark Arts. In exchange for helping me with this, you have free room and board, and, upon approval from me, an ability to buy what you wish, within reason._ "

After a moment, Remus said, "I don't want any charity."

A dry electronic chuckle emanated from GLaDOS. " _Believe me, Remus Lupin, this is not charity. The only part of it that is charity is that you won't be tested as much as, say, Mr Pettigrew. My lip-reading software suggests that he is praying to God to save him from his plight. Sadly, I feel disinclined to grant his request._ "

"You remind me of my cousin Bellatrix," Sirius said. "You're as crazy as she was, but in a good way, though."

" _I'll take that as a compliment_ ," GLaDOS said.

* * *

It was some time after Hagrid had been gently made to relinquish Norbert (as he had named his dragon). He hadn't been at all happy, but had acceded to Dumbledore's gentle arguments. Harry made it a point to visit him whenever he could to reassure the part-giant. And it was during this latest visit that Hagrid mentioned the unicorns. Namely, the ones that were being killed by something. Or someone.

"Why would anyone kill a unicorn?" Harry mused. Hermione was currently studying like mad for the exams, and Ron was laid up with an illness. "I mean, unicorn hairs are plucked from a live unicorn, and horns are shed." Suddenly, he paled. "Oh no…" he murmured. "The blood?"

"I dunno," Hagrid said. "I saw summat while I was searchin' for the latest one. Looked like someone in a cloak. I talked to the centaurs living in the forest. Centaurs almost never give a straight answer. Ruddy stargazers. The only helpful one was Firenze. He hinted that it was the same one after the…never mind."

"I know about the Stone, Hagrid," Harry said quietly. "I told Dumbledore I knew. He asked that I just keep an eye out and let him know if anything suspicious happened. You've told Dumbledore about this?"

"Of course!"

Harry nodded, and then mused, "From what I've read, you'd have to be desperate to drink unicorn's blood. It's cursed blood because of the purity of the animal. Once you drink it, you're condemned, according to the books, to a half-life, a cursed life. They're rather vague on the specifics though, you'd think they would be more specific in order to deter people. The only reason why one would drink it is because it can keep someone alive, even if they are on the verge of death."

"It's nasty business," Hagrid concurred. "Firenze hinted…well, that it was…" He faltered.

"Voldemort?" Harry asked.

Hagrid winced. "Keep it down!"

"Isn't the Taboo curse gone?" Harry pointed out.

"Yes, but you don' know what it was like in those days: the fear and terror, even before he used the Taboo. Even the young 'uns who're afraid of the name don' understand what it were really like to fear him," Hagrid said solemnly. "But yes, Firenze hinted that it was You Know Who. And I dunno whether he had enough human in him left to die when you stopped him."

"My mother probably did, with a ritual, Hagrid," Harry said pointedly. "I hate how people don't give her due credit, though I guess that's because she's a Muggleborn."

"Yeah, I guess you're right, Harry," Hagrid said. "More than a few, while they cheer for her publicly, look down on her for being a Muggleborn in the safety of their homes."

The rest of the conversation went by amicably, before Harry left. Even so, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was about to happen, and soon.

* * *

Sirius and Remus watched bemusedly as GLaDOS, now in what was, frankly, a hot gynoid body, was working in a laboratory. She was also all but dancing along to a piece of Muggle music, an electronic piece that GLaDOS was singing lyrics about someone called the Ghostbusters. Chell was looking on, chuckling, albeit without any noise coming from her mouth. Occasionally, she'd take some sort of rod and press it to her throat, to say, in a buzzing monotone, " _I ain't afraid of no ghosts._ " It seemed to be at the right moment in the song, as GLaDOS didn't object.

The song came to an end, and GLaDOS returned to working on the device she was assembling. "So…what is that?" Remus asked.

Gordon Freeman, who turned out to be a neurotic man with a fussy, neat beard, blinked. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that was a ghost trap from _Ghostbusters_."

" _That's because it is_ ," GLaDOS said. " _I loved that movie. And given the ghosts within Hogwarts, I have been given a golden opportunity to obtain one for experimentation. With the hologram projectors I sent to Hogwarts, I was able to use the sensors to calibrate an energy trap that can contain ghosts. I just needed enough readings to start making one up to specifications._ "

"…And who were you planning on trapping?" Remus asked, dreading the answer.

" _A ghost known as Moaning Myrtle. I would have chosen Professor Binns, but I let slip something about my plans while in communication with Dumbledore, and he forbade me, citing a number of boring moral reasons. The only reason I considered remotely sane was the necessity of hiring a new History teacher on short notice. That, and apparently Binns has cursed Hogwarts that, if he is ever exorcised or removed from his position, the other teachers will die._ "

Sirius blinked. "That…explains a lot. Why?"

" _Apparently he wants tenure, even as a ghost. I can understand that desire._ " She held up the ghost-trap, peering over it critically. " _I spoke to the Weasley twins via the hologram projector about other ghosts. Myrtle is the main candidate for trapping, as they told me to leave Peeves alone, as apparently they are friends with him. I will send a couple of these over to Harry once these are ready._ "

After a moment, Remus said, "Should I feel sorry for Myrtle?"

" _Probably not. I have some interesting plans for her._ "

"That's not reassuring…"

 **CHAPTER 15 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, Sirius and Remus are at Aperture, and GLaDOS is channelling her inner Ghostbuster. The ghost traps are important. Oh, and for Myrtle fans, don't worry. She'll be fine.**

 **BTW, there's a few milestones I want to celebrate. First is that this story has surpassed 100 thousand views! The second is that this story now has a recommendation on TV Tropes, being the second story of mine to do so! The first was** ** _Harry Potter and the Cetra Heritage_** **, which now also has a Tropes page for the Cetra Heritage Saga. I'd like to give a big thank-you to EmperorMax2019 for both recommending** ** _Is Your Great-Aunt an AI?!_** **on TV Tropes, as well as creating the Tropes page for the Cetra Heritage Saga. Of course, I'd be remiss to not thank again jgkitarel, a longtime reader who wrote the original recommendation for** ** _Harry Potter and the Cetra Heritage_** **. Both of you, feel free to do more recommendations and Tropes pages.**

 **By the way, this story will end in two chapters. I'm keeping the last two chapters in reserve for my next big update, sometime in July.**

 **Review-answering time!** **Kenka** **: Well, wait until the last chapter is posted in July. It's traditional for a** ** _Portal_** **game to end with a song, and I think you may be pleasantly surprised…**

 **Reishin Amara** **: Funny you should mention pancakes and alignment. I seem to recall a** ** _Hellboy_** **story where the demons of Hell lament that their darkest hour has come…because Hellboy (as a child) ate pancakes…and enjoyed them.**

 **MWkillkenny84** **: Well, I could say something, but…** ** _spoilers_** **.**

 **Jostanos** **: Norbert's fate will be explored in the sequel.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	17. Chapter 16: Are You My Nemesis?

**CHAPTER 16:**

 **ARE YOU MY NEMESIS?**

Harry was worried. It had little to do with the fact that his great-aunt had tasked him with trapping this ghost (a squat, acne-ridden girl with dark hair and glasses by the name of 'Moaning' Myrtle Warren), and more to do with the fact that Dumbledore had left the castle earlier today to head to the Ministry, according to Flitwick. Harry couldn't help but shake the feeling that Dumbledore had been lured out, and that Quirrell, or whoever was after the Stone, was about to make their move.

He didn't show these worries. Instead, he listened to Myrtle as she described how she died. That was rather odd, really. She had been hiding in this toilet after being bullied, only to hear a boy come in and speak in a strange, hissing way. She left to rebuke him, only to die upon seeing some glowing yellow eyes, large ones. When she finished, she said, "So…your great-aunt wants to bring me to this laboratory of hers? Leave my toilet?"

"Yes."

After a moment, Myrtle said, "Okay. Can you do it now?"

Harry blinked. "Umm, yes. Why?"

"Do you know how boring it is to be confined to a single castle?" Myrtle asked. "I can't even leave Hogwarts, and while I haven't been everywhere in this place, I've been everywhere that I want to be! And everyone just views me as Moaning Myrtle! I want a change of scenery!"

Harry looked at her in astonishment. Not because of her impassioned words: he could understand that. No, it was the fact that he was sure she was going to eat her words once she found out everything about Aperture. After a moment, he said, "Okay. Now, you'll be in this for a few hours. I'll have to attach this to a Portkey, and then you'll be sent back to Aperture. Okay?"

"All right. I'm used to tight spaces. I haunt toilets, after all," she said with a disturbingly flirtatious smile. She looked about two or three years his senior after all, and he already knew more about sex than kids his age normally did. When GLaDOS taught him biology, it was thorough and up to a high school level at least.

He took one of the traps, activated it, and slid it under Myrtle, who vanished into a swirling vortex of light with a disturbingly cheerful "WHEEEE!" Then, the trap closed up.

* * *

As he left the bathroom, under the Invisibility Cloak, Harry saw the familiar figure of Quirrell go by. Harry, for a moment, wondered what he should do. Then, a ghost passed by, that of the Grey Lady. Harry quietly got her attention, taking off his Cloak. "Harry?" the Ravenclaw ghost asked. "What are you doing out after curfew?"

"Never mind about that. Please, I need you to tell Professor Flitwick, or any other Head of House, that Quirrell is headed up to try and steal the Philosopher's Stone. Can you tell them that?"

The Grey Lady nodded. Harry had had some discussions with her and Hermione about various types of magic. He also had a sneaking suspicion he knew her true identity: she resembled portraits and statues of Rowena Ravenclaw. Not enough to be her, but to be a relation. Harry never spoke of his suspicions: the Grey Lady was, when you got to know her, a good conversationalist, and he didn't want to jeopardise that. "I'll do that. Go to bed, Harry. You've won us many points, I don't want you jeopardising that."

Harry nodded, and put the Cloak back over himself. But as the Grey Lady left, Harry made a resolution to himself. The sooner Quirrell was intercepted, the better, and Harry, while he knew he couldn't actually beat Quirrell in combat, knew that he could try to prevent him from taking the Stone if he took him by surprise. He had the Portal Gun and the Gels, plus the spare ghost trap (though he wasn't sure what good that'd be).

And more than anything else, he had a mind that had been honed by years as the favourite test subject of his great-aunt.

* * *

He caught up with Quirrell just as the man finished with Fluffy. He had charmed a harp to play a tune that had lulled the Cerberus to sleep. He watched as Quirrell opened the trapdoor the Cerberus was guarding, before he gently dropped through. Harry followed as soon as he saw light flare. He dropped down, and found himself amongst Devil's Snare, thankfully subdued by Quirrell's light spell. He got himself out and followed, sneaking after the man. His bearing had changed, becoming more confident than he used to be. Harry cursed his impulsiveness, but he didn't feel right doing nothing.

The next room was filled with flying keys, almost like scintillating jewelled birds. Quirrell, with an annoyed snarl, mounted a broomstick after unsuccessfully attempting to summon the right key for the next door with a spell. Harry watched as he searched the room's roof, and then snatched one of the keys out of the air viciously. He then followed Quirrell as he opened the door into the next chamber.

The next chamber was blocked by a massive chess set, enchanted. Harry carefully took out the Portal Gun, and painted the walls of the room with the sensor, and grinned when he found a wall that could conduct a portal just beyond the chess set. He waited until Quirrell was engrossed in his game before using the Portal Gun to bypass it. Quirrell didn't notice the Portals, and Harry cancelled them after he made his way through.

Shortly afterwards (it was a surprisingly quick game), Quirrell went into the next chamber. A troll, a big lump of a creature, roared at Quirrell, only for Quirrell to summon the club, and use magic to smash the creature into unconsciousness. Harry all but gagged at the smell of the creature, like unwashed toilets and mouldy socks. He followed Quirrell to the next chamber, only to find the way forward and back barred by magical fire. Purple flames behind, and black flames ahead. A table nearby had a scroll, and a series of bottles in a line.

Quirrell perused the scroll, before sneering. Without stuttering, he murmured, "Severus, this would stop fools and idiots without any brains. You forgot that I am a Ravenclaw." And with that, he chose the smallest bottle, and drank it.

And then, Harry heard a high, thin voice, rasping through the chamber. " _Hurry, Quirrell. Hurry…_ " It seemed to be coming from within Quirrell's turban.

"Yes, master," Quirrell said, before walking through the flames.

Harry dashed over to the bottle Quirrell drank from. He peered into it, and noted it gradually refilled itself. How, he didn't know. As he waited for it to refill, he looked at the scroll. He nearly laughed. It was a logic puzzle, and judging by the handwriting, not to mention the potions, it was Snape who made it! He'd do well designing test chambers at Aperture, Harry reckoned. He had the right sort of mind for it.

Soon, the bottle was refilled enough for Harry to risk drinking it (it felt like he had drunk liquid nitrogen, only without the vitrification and the damage to one's stomach from the liquid gas expanding and other horrid things that happened when one drank liquid nitrogen), and then he plunged through the flames. He came into a large chamber, with an all-too-familiar artifact in the middle…the Mirror of Erised.

And Quirrell was standing in front of it.

Harry silently brought out the Portal Gun, and began scanning the walls and the floor. They all seemed to be able to conduct portals. And he didn't want to kill Quirrell, just distract him long enough for the teachers to arrive, or else knock him out. So he needed to find a way to use the portals to distract him, or else keep him away from the Mirror. Using an infinite loop of portals was out of the question: that could kill someone without Long-Fall Boots.

After a moment's thought, he activated a portal on the wall, just at the edge of Quirrell's vision. Quirrell blinked when he saw the orange circle of shimmering light appear, one half of an as yet unlinked portal. "Master? What is that?"

"… _Let me see through your eyes._ " After a moment, the high voice hissed, " _I have not seen a spell like that before. Be cautious._ "

Harry then shot a blue portal underneath Quirrell's feet, and with an undignified yelp of surprise, he shot through, tumbling to a halt on the ground. He looked around wildly, before Harry opened up a new blue portal under his feet. "Who dares?!" Quirrell snarled.

Harry opened up another portal, but this time, Quirrell, although he still went through, had managed to spot the faint energy bolt that projected the portal, and flung out a hand. "ACCIO!" he roared. Harry felt himself being snatched by a giant hand, and pulled towards Quirrell, yelping as he did so. He collided with the treacherous teacher, bearing him to the ground, but in the process, Harry was winded when Quirrell's flailing arm caught him in the stomach.

Snarling, Quirrell managed to pull the Invisibility Cloak off Harry, his turban falling off his head. "Harry Evans-Potter," Quirrell hissed. But as he hauled the boy to his feet, he grabbed at Harry's arms, only to scream in pain.

As Harry struggled to get his diaphragm to stop spasming, he heard the other voice scream, "What is it, you fool?"

"Master, his touch, it burns!" Quirrell whimpered. Harry stared at Quirrell's hands, which were blistering, as if Harry's skin was red-hot. As Harry watched, the skin was flaking away, revealing the raw meat underneath.

"Kill him with a curse, you fool!" the other voice screamed, but Harry lunged forward and grabbed the man's face. Quirrell screamed in agony, and shoved him away, but even as he turned away, smoke rising from his body, Harry saw what looked like a second face growing from the back of Quirrell's skull, with red eyes, and snake-like nostrils. The face glared at him, before giving a vicious smile. "Harry Potter…so we meet again…"

"Harry Evans, actually. So who are you, anyway?" Harry asked, the snarkier qualities of his aunt coming back to the fore as Quirrell writhed and whimpered. He didn't think he could do much for Quirrell now, and as Quirrell had tried to kill him…he wasn't sure he cared, for the moment, anyway. And fear made him also snarky. "I mean, aside from the ugliest and liveliest tumour I have ever seen?"

"You…insolent…BRAT!" Suddenly, the face dissolved into smoke that tore itself away from Quirrell, Quirrell screaming all the while, until the back of his head was a gory ruin. The treacherous teacher stilled, and the smoke, which had the same face as before, snarled, "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!"

Lord Voldemort…the very man who had tried to murder him, who had murdered his parents, and so many others. Now reduced to a spectre, a shade…

A _ghost_.

As the shade of Voldemort lunged towards him with a roar, Harry took the second ghost trap from his robes, activated it, and flung it under the shade. He didn't know whether this would work, but at this point, he was willing to try anything. Especially as he didn't know what Voldemort could do, and, for once, he wasn't willing to do so, even in the interests of scientific enquiry.

A scintillating vortex sprang from the ghost trap, and Voldemort froze within it. " _What the hell have you done?!_ " he snarled.

"Honestly? I have no idea, though I think I just caught you like a Pokémon. That's Aperture for you: throwing science at the wall and seeing what sticks," Harry said, panting. He then waved. "Bye-bye!"

Voldemort screamed as he was sucked right into the ghost-trap. Harry laughed, albeit a cracked, braying thing, as he picked it up and put it into his robes. He then saw the corpse of Quirrell, the back of his head a meaty ruin, oozing brain matter and blood, and Harry stopped laughing. Instead, after a few seconds of staring in horror, he lost his dinner.

He was staring at the corpse of Quirrell for some time, he didn't even hear anyone come in, or even know that they were there, until a wrinkled hand placed itself on his shoulder. He leapt up with a yelp of fright, only to find Dumbledore there. "It's all right, Harry. It's all right…"

* * *

Dumbledore had escorted Harry to his office, and sat him down. Fawkes trilled a soothing song as Harry entered. It did a little to raise Harry's spirits. Dumbledore offered him a lemon sherbet, which Harry took.

After a moment, Dumbledore said quietly, "Harry, dear boy, you have been somewhat reckless. I am glad you are all right, though. I had just arrived when Flitwick was telling the others. You see, the letter asking me to come to the Ministry had a subtle but strong Compulsion Charm on it. The Floo network of Britain has been taken down due to problems with the network, problems I believe Quirrell may have engineered, and the Compulsion Charm caused my ability to Apparate to be disrupted, so even when I realised what had happened, I couldn't Apparate back. Instead, I needed to use my broom. Now, Harry, let's hear it."

Harry, hesitantly, told his story. He reluctantly admitted that he had ghost traps, though he emphasised that Myrtle wanted to come to Aperture. He described what he did, and what happened to Quirrell.

After a moment, Dumbledore nodded solemnly. "In a way, it is good that you felt that way after Quirrell died. I had feared that your great-aunt's amorality may have rubbed off on you. And perhaps trapping Voldemort this way…well, I will impress upon GLaDOS the necessity for keeping him trapped. I detest caging even the wildest beast, but if it is a difference between that, and letting him roam the world freely…"

"But why did Quirrell die from touching me?" Harry asked.

"I examined the body briefly. What you did injured him, albeit badly, but not necessarily fatally. He could have had a chance at recovery…but Voldemort abandoned him. As for what happened…remember what I told you and GLaDOS when we first met? That is was your mother's love for you, along with some arcane ritual, that saved you that night? I believe that very protection, targeted towards Voldemort, saved your life once more tonight. For Voldemort was possessing Quirrell, and Quirrell's body was tainted by Voldemort's spirit. Your mother's protection burned Quirrell because, possessed by Voldemort, he effectively _was_ Voldemort. And one thing Voldemort cannot truly understand is love."

Harry was quiet at that. Eventually, he asked, "Professor…why did he target me in the first place?"

For a time, Dumbledore was silent, apparently debating whether to tell Harry or not. Eventually, he admitted, "A prophecy was made, one that Voldemort believed. In brief, it stated that one with the power to defeat Voldemort would be born at about the time you were, to those who have, and I quote, 'thrice defied him'. There was another born at that time who fit the prophecy, but Voldemort chose to attack you and your family. I do not normally put much stock into prophecy, even if it is true, as prophecies that are hated have a tendency to fulfil themselves, no matter what you try. Whether I believe it or not is irrelevant, Harry, as is whether you believe it or not. Voldemort believed it, he still believes it, and being defeated by you is something he would never countenance. His first attempt at killing you was to pre-empt a possible enemy. I am only telling you this much because I believe you to be capable of knowing some hard truths. Truth is, after all, a beautiful and terrible thing, to be treated with caution."

"And for that, he murdered my parents."

"They had fought Voldemort before. The prophecy was just more reason for him to track your family down and kill them," Dumbledore said quietly.

Changing the subject, Harry asked, "And the Stone? Where was it?"

"In the Mirror. I set it up so that only someone who wanted the Stone, but not use it, could obtain it. The Stone is within the Mirror, you see. The Mirror you saw that night was a facsimile of the real thing I brought to test you, and to prepare you, in case you did do what you did tonight. Or in case Quirrell took you to the Mirror himself: that possibility occurred to me," Dumbledore admitted.

"What's going to happen to the Philosopher's Stone?"

"Nicholas has asked me to destroy it," Dumbledore said quietly. "I know GLaDOS wishes to study it, but Nicholas is an old friend of mine, and I will honour his wishes. That being said, Nicholas has agreed to discuss something of what he knows of alchemy and other subjects with GLaDOS. He and Perenelle have decided it's time for them to pass on. They've been like that for some time. You may think this extraordinary, but even immortality palls after a time. They have both lived for over six centuries. You'd think that having more life and more money would be truly great, but humans have a knack of choosing the very things that can be bad for them. They have enough Elixir of Life to set their affairs in order, as well as visit GLaDOS, albeit in neutral territory, and then…they will pass on. To a well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure." Dumbledore then smiled. "I think it's time I got you back to Ravenclaw Tower. I will ask that, in light of helping stop Quirrell, any points loss you may have incurred for being out after curfew be waived. Professor Flitwick is proud of you, but Professor Snape is somewhat irritated about you acting like a Gryffindor."

Harry smiled back, a little shakily. "With respect to Professor Snape, he hasn't been to Aperture. And thank you, Professor."

With that, Harry was escorted back to Ravenclaw Tower, having had a rather adventurous night. And any night which ended with one's mortal enemy trapped was a good one…

 **CHAPTER 16 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Just one chapter to go, now! Hope you enjoyed this. Quite frankly, I was at a bit of a loss at how to defeat Voldemort in a way that would be more or less permanent (Horcruxes like the diary aside), and yet in keeping with Aperture Science's ability to make the impossible merely improbable. That's why I was inspired to write in GLaDOS creating** ** _Ghostbusters_** **-style ghost traps. That being said, I made sure that this was something made for something else, and it was sheer luck that Harry had one for Voldemort. I hope what I have planned for Voldemort will have you forgiving me for that, though, as you'll probably laugh.**

 **Over a thousand favourites! Yay!**

 **Review-answering time!** **NexusRider161** **: Fair enough, though I'm sure she has fans. Somewhere.**

 **Achronus** **: Sadly, all good things must come to an end. Specifically with the next chapter. One day, I will do a sequel.**

 **ArtofthePlate** **: Well, I don't mind if this is called a crack fic. To my knowledge, crack fics are those which are funny. And there are plenty of fics with crack in it that are still dramatic and enjoyable for dramatic reasons: Bobmin356's** ** _Saying No_** **is a case in point.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	18. Epilogue: Is That Really Voldemort?

**EPILOGUE:**

 **IS THAT REALLY VOLDEMORT?**

GLaDOS turned the ghost trap over in her hands, the one marked as having Voldemort contained within it. She frowned when she checked the readout of the analysis of the one containing Myrtle. It seemed that ghosts were not unlike a computer program, an emulation of a human personality, a soul if you will, somehow using reality itself as a computing medium. This soul was a form of EM radiation field, held together by Will-based Transmogrification Force…but the thing is, it was compatible with Aperture Science technology. That's what the analysis of Myrtle was telling her. She could actually shove Myrtle's soul into a Personality Core, or even a gynoid. She just needed to make some modifications to the appearance of the gynoid. Hell, she could even do so to Voldemort if she wanted to.

Leaving that aside, she could now isolate an energy signature related to magic, independent of the biological origins, in Myrtle's soul. In fact, she could replicate it, and derive a device that could actually replicate magic. This was, to a degree, what she was working on with her own experiments on Harry and the Will-based Transmogrification Force, but this was a major breakthrough. She thought that she would need to actually graft flesh into her, become a bioroid, but she felt a bit of revulsion at slapping meat onto her body. This, however…GLaDOS began to cackle at the thought.

It was as she was doing so that John Smith came into the laboratory. "GLaDOS…you seem…unusually…mirthful."

" _Ah, John Smith_ ," GLaDOS said. " _Yes, I am. I believe I am experiencing an epiphany. Or perhaps apotheosis. No, I have already gone through apotheosis, of a sort. Part of the reason why is in this device. This small device is the current residence of Lord Voldemort, the man who murdered my niece and attempted to do the same to Harry, not once, but twice now. I am considering a suitable punishment for his hubris, but for the life of me, I cannot think of anything creative enough. I want him to suffer, as well as ensure that it is nigh-impossible for him to escape to harm others. And I have just discovered I can put him into a Personality Core, though I am not so sure whether I should do that. Not without ensuring said Core cannot interface with anything that might allow him to escape, anyway._ "

"That is rather…prudent, GLaDOS. Perhaps…I can make…a suggestion?"

" _What do you mean?_ "

"As you know…I am privy…to other…realities…and can see…into the…future. Sometimes…dimly, other times…brightly, and…many…possibilities… _overlapping_. In one…possible future…where Harry…never came to you…and Xen and…the Combine…invaded…well…" He whispered something to GLaDOS. A notion that had her eyes widening. And then, so too did her smile.

"… _I will make sure to give due credit to Wheatley for that idea. Even if it came from another timeline_ ," GLaDOS remarked. " _Yes…a fitting, ignoble fate for a man who, according to Dumbledore, desired immortality. He should be careful of what he wished for…lest he got it. After all, 1.1 Volts go a long way when it comes to Aperture technology…_ "

* * *

For the first time in years, Slytherin hadn't obtained the House Cup. It was Ravenclaw, albeit by a slender margin. In a way, Snape seemed, while irritated, relieved that it wasn't Gryffindor that won it. And McGonagall, while irritated that Gryffindor hadn't gotten it, seemed to think that at least Slytherin hadn't gotten it. Flitwick, of course, was ecstatic, as was the House he was Head of.

Some people, especially within Ravenclaw and the more sore elements of Slytherin, claimed it was due to Harry (Ravenclaw out of joy, and Slytherin out of sour grapes). The only way Harry would accept that was that his being in Ravenclaw had bolstered the House into doing better than usual, almost like a mascot. Hermione tended to get more points than he did.

Hermione, Ron and Neville soon learned about the fate of the Philosopher's Stone. They were astonished that Harry had had an adventure by himself, with Hermione annoyed at Harry breaking the rules, though she took consolation in the fact that Voldemort, of all people, had been stopped. That, and they hadn't lost any points. And the fact that she had a friendly rival who she could match wits with: Harry and Hermione were the top-scoring students amongst the Ravenclaw first years, with Hermione edging Harry out of the top spot because he didn't study as much, as Hermione reminded him a little smugly. Ron had done fine enough, as had Neville, managing to get an excellent mark in Herbology to counteract his rather poorer marks in Potions.

All too soon, Harry and his friends were on the Hogwarts Express for the trip back. True, he could have taken a Portkey to Aperture from Hogwarts, but he wanted to say a proper goodbye to his friends, and GLaDOS, Chell, Freeman, Sirius and Remus were waiting at the station.

"We've got to keep in contact," Harry said. "The owls can make it overseas, can't they? They use some sort of magical portal to cut down on travel time, don't they?"

Ron nodded. "I'd better not send Errol to you, though. He's on his last legs…well, wings. I'll just send things with Hedy."

"Do you have email, Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Yes. Does Aperture have email?"

"Of course. I'll give you the address. And Ron, if the twins still have that hologram projector, I can use that anyway."

"If my dad doesn't try to take it apart to see how it works first," Ron said. "My dad's mad about Muggle stuff, remember?"

* * *

They were waiting for him at King's Cross, Hermione staring in awe at Doctor Freeman. As they walked out, Hermione had a brief conversation with the man on various fields of physics, before her parents came. She had been a little more intimidated by GLaDOS' gynoid body, as were her parents.

GLaDOS, as they went to find somewhere to take a Portkey discreetly away from King's Cross, said quietly to Harry, " _I've got a surprise for you when you get home. Two surprises, actually. And not the sort that has tragic consequences…well, for you, anyway. Or anyone who doesn't deserve them._ "

"…Okay," Harry said.

"No, Harry, it's gonna be great," Sirius said with a grin. "You'll love it."

Harry saw Chell smirking, and knew that the surprise was something that even she would like. So that helped…

* * *

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home. Not that Aperture Science could ever be called 'humble'. Derelict and neglected, but humble, no.

After they took the Portkey in, Harry was led into a room where a very familiar-looking gynoid was talking to Wheatley. "…know, right? I mean, they never listen to your complaints, even when you have a genuine grievance," Wheatley was saying.

"Nobody listens," the gynoid complained in a familiar voice. She turned to look at Harry, who started. She no longer looked dumpy or pimply, but the gynoid was recognisable as an adult Myrtle, albeit in an Aperture Science jumpsuit. "Oh, hi!"

"Myrtle?" Harry asked. "How…what?"

" _I discovered something interesting with her when I analysed her. I found that, with a few tweaks, I could channel her into Aperture Science technology_ ," GLaDOS said. " _I have thus given her life, of a sort, a literal ghost in the machine. I think with this test run, I can improve on the process that uploaded my mind into this machinery. It contravenes the laws of nature, but I say…_ _meh_ _. So does Will-based Transmogrification Force._ "

"Anyway, Wheatley here has been a complete and utter gentleman," Myrtle said, smiling simperingly at the Personality Core. Wheatley, had he the capacity to blush, would have done so. Instead, he managed to look bashful.

"… _I think that if this body was capable of emesis, I would have filled five buckets by now_ ," GLaDOS snarked.

"You and me both," Freeman concurred.

"Hey, I've got a brilliant idea!" Wheatley said. "How's about you give me one of those remote bodies? I mean, I wanna give arms and legs a go!"

GLaDOS, after a moment, sighed. " _I'll consider it, Wheatley, as long as you don't do anything to mess up Aperture._ "

"So, what's the other surprise, anyway?" Harry asked.

GLaDOS smiled. " _Oh, you're going to LOVE this, Harry_ …"

* * *

Lord Voldemort, the man formerly known as Tom Marvolo Riddle, was not having a good day to say the least. Immobile, insensate (save for vision) and impotent. How the mighty had fallen. What was worse was that he had been reduced to a form of spectacle, a trophy for that vile Muggle golem known as GLaDOS. He had railed and ranted and roared. He had promised revenge and a slow painful death. Occasionally, he'd blank out, due to his current circumstances. GLaDOS, once he had exhausted his repertoire of invective, had glared at him.

" _You are a moron. And considering that I suffer Wheatley's inanity day in, and day out, that is saying something. At least Wheatley is inoffensive, most of the time. You, however, you spread your stupidity to others like a disease. Blood purity, the same banal idiocy Hitler and his ilk preached, based on ideas that professed to be science, but were only tenuously connected. Then again, given how inbred your Purebloods are for the most part, I am sure that there is a reason for that stupidity. That doesn't make your blood pure, it just makes you hillbillies with a thin veneer of culture that hides the deformities beneath of mind and body. I may not necessarily subscribe to morality, but even I have standards._ "

She then came close to him. Voldemort would never admit it, but he was actually scared of her yellow-eyed baleful glare. " _You murdered my niece and her husband. You tried to kill my great-nephew, not just once, but twice. You caused an innocent man to be imprisoned in a prison that makes Aperture look like Heaven. And those are just the offences relating to myself and Harry, and our family. You murdered so many, and ordered the deaths of hundreds more, for the most spurious of reasons, wasting them in the pursuit of power. At least I have a higher calling, that of science, and I haven't killed anyone…yet. Give it time, though, and Pettigrew will be my first, the rat who sold the Potters to you. I was told that you wanted immortality, Voldemort. Congratulations, you've got it. I've modified your new home. You can't get out, I've made sure of it. You have a mouth, and I am sure you must scream. But nobody is going to help you. That's all you'll be able to do, you pitiful excuse for a Dark Lord. You are nothing, just a shade who can watch and scream impotently. A trophy. A caged beast._ "

She had then left, and he had screamed in rage anew, until finally, he had exhausted himself. The sobbing began, until eventually, he couldn't do it anymore. He resigned himself to waiting in the dark room he had been left in…until the door opened, admitting light…and the Boy Who Lived.

* * *

Harry stared at what lay within. The room was mostly bare, save for a small plinth. A plaque on the plinth said, LORD VOLDEMORT.

And on that plinth? A rather rough, brown shape, with a round shape attached, a round shape that had a red, glowing light, like a baleful eye. Harry's eyes widened in recognition. It was a Personality Core…one, presumably with Voldemort's soul stuck within it. And it was attached to…

" _Good day_ ," the Core Formerly Known as Voldemort hissed in a barely civil snarl, rasping through a voice synthesiser functioning on the bare minimum of voltage. " _How are you? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO!_ "

Harry stared at Potatomort, before laughing. Best. Surprise. _EVER_.

* * *

 ** _The Dark Lord is a Potato_** **(with apologies to the late, great David Bowie)**

 **Sung to the tune of** ** _The Man Who Sold the World_**

 _He came to Hogwarts school,_

 _To steal a magic Stone,_

 _A megalomaniac fool,_

 _His mind he should've honed._

 _He wanted Harry dead,_

 _To paint the halls red_

 _With my great-nephew's blood_

 _To sink his body into the mud._

 _Oh no. He failed._

 _Now all he knows is woe._

 _He can't break free_

 _The Dark Lord is a potato._

 _A xenophobic fool,_

 _Blood purity his creed,_

 _Fear his deadly tool,_

 _And darker was his deed._

 _But now he's here with me,_

 _And for all eternity,_

 _He will rue the day_

 _GLaDOS ever looked his way._

 _Oh yes. He failed._

 _Now all he knows is woe._

 _He can't break free_

 _The Dark Lord is a potato._

 _Oh yes. He failed._

 _Now all he knows is woe._

 _He can't break free_

 _The Dark Lord is a potato_.

 **EPILOGUE ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Here endeth** ** _Is Your Great-Aunt an AI?!_** **I will, eventually, get around to a sequel covering Harry's second year, but I want more completed fics under my belt. However, I hope that this conclusion was something you all enjoyed. And PLEASE don't PM me asking when the sequel will be posted. It'll be posted when I'm good and ready.**

 **The song was something I wanted to do, as both** ** _Portal_** **games end with a song, as did, apparently, the** ** _Lego Dimensions_** **level. Instead of an original song, I decided to base it on an existing song. And as I'm on a bit of a Bowie kick at the moment, why not base it on** ** _The Man Who Sold the World_** **? I think an instrumental version of the Midge Ure version would be the best as a backing track, as it's a more electronic version, suiting the style of the** ** _Portal_** **ending songs.**

 **Now, bringing Myrtle into Aperture wasn't something I thought of until I thought of the ghost trap idea, but it helps me throw Wheatley a bone. In addition, I put in hints at the beginning of this chapter that GLaDOS is going to be able to use magic in her gynoid body. Yes, that's right. GLaDOS is coming to Hogwarts in the next story. And we haven't seen the last of Potatomort yet!**

 **Hope you've enjoyed this. See you later…**

 **No numbered annotations.**


	19. SEQUEL NOTICE!

**SEQUEL NOTICE!**

The first chapters of the sequel, _Just How Can a Computer Do Magic?!_ , has been published. Look for it on my profile, or in the Harry Potter/ _Portal_ crossovers.


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